Jared Fogle from Subway and Governor Rod Blagojevich will escape the Federal Penitentiary in Englewood, CO this evening where they've reportedly been roommates, and jump on a flight to LaGuardia first thing Friday morning. Their only carryon will be Fogle's running kit and 2 bottles of Grecian formula that they buy at the airport convenience store, on the concourse after the security checkpoint. Jared, who's been posting on this website bragging about how he'll cheat to BQ, will use the Rosie Ruiz method, in honor of his Subway heritage--but miscalculate by an hour. Time zones and daylight savings are tough to keep up with while pining for some underage nookie in the hoosegow. He will sneak out of a portolet on 5th Avenue, just before the course enters Central Park. He will enter the course a few minutes before the lead pack, be quickly passed- but waddle to the finish still wearing his bib from 2010--fooling all course officials. Will be the third American overall--jogging it in with Meb-and crediting his running prowess to 3 years of prison yard laps at altitude. Coach Blagojevich will pull a Seinfeld maneuver and hand Meb a cup of hot tea on Central Park South-and Meb will narrowly avoid scalding himself.
The Chilean miner will serenade the pair with an Elvis tune at the race after party-goodwill will sprout, and a late winter/early spring presidential pardon will be handed to them both--just before the impeachment proceedings move from the House to the Senate.