Question to the old married guys here

20 years

The "magic" is that blind, euphoric love stage and it fades in 12-24 months. In those days you don't realize all the annoying thing, points of conflict, etc. Love is action and selflessness. To stick it out for the long haul you need to "like" each other as well as have that initial magic or when it fades you only have the annoying things.

Pretty much whenever I want, she generally wants it more than I do.

old guy just too old wrote:

20 years

The "magic" is that blind, euphoric love stage and it fades in 12-24 months. In those days you don't realize all the annoying thing, points of conflict, etc. Love is action and selflessness. To stick it out for the long haul you need to "like" each other as well as have that initial magic or when it fades you only have the annoying things.

Pretty much whenever I want, she generally wants it more than I do.

What would your wife's reaction be if she came home one day and found out you started pumpin iron, smokin pot and listening to bob dylan?

Monogamy is an unnatural state of affairs invented by civilization.

During the entirety of human history, men either had many partners, or none at all and were used as cannon / arrow-fodder, or were not granted permission to reproduce, or were rapists.

It’s exactly like King of Queens and don’t let anyone tell you different.

14 years yesterday

Infatuation "just happens".

Love is a choice.

Yes, euphoria wears off over time. A loving marriage requires a purposeful investment of time and effort from both parties to succeed. Also - this will sound weird to younger unmarried folks - both spouses need to clearly communicate their needs/desires/expectations of sex. I will say this: although it is true that women's engines take longer to get warmed up, it should never be a problem if the husband is making a purposeful investment of time and effort in his wife. Foreplay starts by doing the dishes :-)

badger123 wrote:

Monogamy is an unnatural state of affairs invented by civilization.

During the entirety of human history, men either had many partners, or none at all and were used as cannon / arrow-fodder, or were not granted permission to reproduce, or were rapists.

Other things invented that can be considered "unnatural:" penicillin, computers, cars, sterilization, medical procedures, the internet.

What's your point, numb nuts?

BoobyMcgee wrote:

How long have you been married for and how have you lasted so long? Is married life really like the show everybody loves raymond or king of queens? After the honeymoon period does the "magic" kinda disappear and instead you're just too people sharing the same space/bills/stuff..etc.? Can you get sex pretty much whenever you want or do you have certain days of the month/year scheduled on a calendar or something or maybe your wife has migraines a lot coincidentally?

Married 10 years.

Trick is growing and changing together. Everyone changes. The person you were 10 years ago isn't the person you are today. But if you can find someone who will grow and change with you, then you're golden.

Get ready to love unconditionally, let things go, compromise, and have the deepest feeling of acceptance and appreciation that you can ever imagine.

If you aren't ready for the first three, then you'll never have the last one,

badger123 wrote:

Monogamy is an unnatural state of affairs invented by civilization.

During the entirety of human history, men either had many partners, or none at all and were used as cannon / arrow-fodder, or were not granted permission to reproduce, or were rapists.

"Civilization" has never invented anything.

Care to try again?

I think the main reason people get divorced so often is that there is a misunderstanding of what marriage is supposed to be. A successful marriage isn’t two people living in the infatuous stage forever. If that were the case, you wouldn’t need vows. A good marriage happens when you commit to someone despite the fact that you are tempted by others, fight with each other, etc. If you aren’t prepared to deal with that, then don’t take the vows. People think that when someone else catches their eye, or they get bored, or what have you, that their marriage is a failure, and so they split. But that will happen with everyone eventually.

POTRO wrote:

badger123 wrote:

Monogamy is an unnatural state of affairs invented by civilization.

During the entirety of human history, men either had many partners, or none at all and were used as cannon / arrow-fodder, or were not granted permission to reproduce, or were rapists.

"Civilization" has never invented anything.

Care to try again?

You read this guys post and this is the part you took issue with? That’s f*cked.

badger123 wrote:

Monogamy is an unnatural state of affairs invented by civilization.

During the entirety of human history, men either had many partners, or none at all and were used as cannon / arrow-fodder, or were not granted permission to reproduce, or were rapists.

You're a virgin for sure.

Dr. Van Nostrand wrote:

I think the main reason people get divorced so often is that there is a misunderstanding of what marriage is supposed to be. A successful marriage isn’t two people living in the infatuous stage forever. If that were the case, you wouldn’t need vows. A good marriage happens when you commit to someone despite the fact that you are tempted by others, fight with each other, etc. If you aren’t prepared to deal with that, then don’t take the vows. People think that when someone else catches their eye, or they get bored, or what have you, that their marriage is a failure, and so they split. But that will happen with everyone eventually.

23 years of marriage here, and this answer is pretty good.

Marriage has its ups and downs - it's not bliss and it's not terrible. It's a long term commitment to take care of another human being and try to make that person's life better. If service isn't in your toolkit...if letting the other person have her or his way drives you crazy...marriage might be a problem for you.

But if you want to connect with a human being over decades and decades and have someone you can trust with your life every day...marriage is a good way to live a life.

Don't expect fireworks in the bedroom tho - that stuff fades, for sure.

The fireworks from the type of intimacy that only comes with years of knowing and trusting a spouse beats the fireworks of a one night stand 10 times out of 10.

Married 17 years.

Euphoria less than a year.

Feels like ‘equal partners on same team.’

The feel good is more like ‘building a successful business/ life feeling.’ Not a ‘high’ but a ‘satisfaction’ and a ‘comfy.’

Similar to fight post, survive by arguing on ‘field of fair arguing.’ Take turns allowing other to vent. Don’t hit old sin hammer to win fights. Tread yell back yell louder carefully justly.

She’s hot. She never really wants to.

We are 4x a mo. Wish for more.

Friendship and empathy are two big factors for staying together. Been so long that it's hard to imagine the alternative at this point!

As for the other things we used to be more spontaneous, now it's unwritten schedule.

It's called choreplay.

on the chores - keep this in mind. It's hard to unlearn millennia of cultural learnings.

This study found that the marriages with traditional gender breakdowns in household chores have significantly more sex.

Marriages with hubbies who do the dishes and vacuum have less sex.

This choreplay stuff seems to be a PC creation, to make us feel better.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2013/01/31/more-housework-means-less-sex-for-hubby-says-study-whats-that-again/?utm_term=.ad7d6602d5c9

theJeff wrote:

The fireworks from the type of intimacy that only comes with years of knowing and trusting a spouse beats the fireworks of a one night stand 10 times out of 10.

Yes. Married 12 years, and the sex now is far better than it was in the early years.

Other good points above, particularly that love is a decision you make every day, it's not a feeling.

18 years. I have seen a fair number of couples divorce since I got married. I also know a bunch of confirmed bachelors. I can honestly say that all the downsides of a committed long-term relationship are totally worth it compared to what it is like to be single and moving from your 30s through your 40s. Sex might be more frequent with a new partner or more exciting with someone new who has better physical features or who is willing to do different things. But in every relationship the frequency of sex always declines over time. Physical features do not last forever as bodies get bigger over time and things start to sag. And after a while, the exciting new position just becomes as boring as missionary. Also, the excitement of new love also comes with it a ton of stress in trying to make all the compromises needed to keep a relationship alive and managing the issues that everyone brings to a relationship. Seeing divorced and permanent bachelors go through relationship ups and downs and just being alone for long stretches is what everyone needs to keep in mind when they are setting up their expectations for a long term relationship.

As for my answer to the OP's question, the two biggest keys to longevity are accepting your mate "AS-IS", with all faults and never keeping score, which is very much intertwined with the first. Relationships almost always fall apart when one person has expectations for the other that cannot be met. When those expectations aren't met, people are unhappy and want out of the relationship. Of course, some things people should never have to accept, like being abusive, cheating, etc. But many times people just expect their mate to be some ideal fairy tale prince/princess and are not willing to put up with anything that is less than their notion of relationship perfection. Men cannot accept the fact that sometimes women throw fits or get irrationally emotional. Women cannot accept that men are not always their emotional center of gravity and are not the perfect model of maturity. If people just give their mates some room to be imperfect, the relationship will last. Likewise, keeping score is a big problem. I have had to visit my wife's family twice as much as she has had to visit mine. The experience of visiting both of our families is pretty excruciating. I would rather skip a lot of visits to her family and go on a vacation instead. But it is just the way it is and I do not keep score and make her visit my family more often or skip visits with her family.