10th grader will not join any school sports teams or clubs.

Dad might push a bit more wrote:

I pushed hard. It gradually turned into an argument. He said its too late for fall sports but it didn't matter because he doesn't like doing that stuff. He said I could punish him but he wasn't going to do stuff that was suppose to be voluntary. Then he threw out that he's sorry he's not like his older brother. (His older brother is in college now and was a bit amazing as far as leadership, sports and popularity)

I told him it was ok not to join and no punishment of course. Maybe he will change his mind when he's older.

Just be honest with him and tell him the truth, you like his older brother more because the older one's success made you look better as a parent. Tell him that it is time for him to get out there and make YOU look good. Tell him his days are numbered in your house if he can't get out there and make a name for himself. And tell him he needs to land a hot girlfriend (and remember to post pics).

Is your son heterosexual? If he is, make him understand that girls are interested in guys who do not go straight home after school and play video games. The 30 minutes between the last bell and the start of practice--those 30 minutes every day will be where you meet the girl who you lose your virginity to. Might not want to be that blunt about it; you know your kid better than anyone here. But that strategy more or less worked with my middle son who was dormant his first year and a half of high school.

go watch The Great Santini. Follow that example.

what does he like to do? even if it's playing video games for hours, maybe he can get into coding/designing.

Start with what he likes the most.

You to him: "Pick something, I dont care what, do it and stick with it through the season".

As for team at school ... maybe, maybe not. I was never that much into the team aspect of school. I was a lot faster than all of the folks on my team in HS, and basically it was a solitary sport for me.

Sounds like your son is an introvert, nothing wrong with that, cant change it. An individual sport or activity might be just the thing for him. Cycling, running, hiking, kayaking, etc. I would "strongly encourage" him to pick something and be supportive of whatever he picks.

I would only suggest sports or other extracurriculars (EC) if he were planning to get into a college that is even remotely difficult to get into. With Bs, he isn't likely headed to tough colleges, and if he couldn't care less about college, then there's no need for ECs at all.

My son said to me this morning in the car as we passed some construction, "I don't ever want to do construction." That's when I told him to keep his grades up and study.

Does your son have a plan for after high school? If it includes college, you should let him know that many colleges do like to see ECs in there, and if he's on the bubble of a school he wants to go to, he could be denied without SOME showing that he can handle more than just the school work.

I am mostly on the side of staying back and letting the kids find their own passions. Usually forcing something on a kid is a sure way to get them to never want to do it again. I think it is good though to find out what his plan is and to suggest some things that might make that plan more attainable...and then let him decide that he needs to be involved in something. There is a place for B students who don't involve themselves in anything...Community College or other low-level 4-year colleges. You might want to let him know that. If he's fine with that, then more power to him.

Dad might push a bit more wrote:

I told him it was ok not to join and no punishment of course. Maybe he will change his mind when he's older.

Yep, just as I suspected. You're a pushover and he knows it.

Both of my sons have always been heavily involved in sports. Although their main focus has been on the three major "ball" sports, they have also been exposed to cross country, track and wrestling. Although I have encouraged them to try all these things - and they willingly did so - I have never "forced" them to do any of it. And I have always told them that they are under no obligation to continue playing a sport if it no longer interests them (meaning, they would not endure any disappointment from me).

However, I have told them that they need to be doing something for the sake of fitness even if they are not participating in an organized sport. When my older son quit playing football, he spent that Fall not doing much of anything except skateboarding and then paid the price during basketball season. He still made the team, but he was way behind in terms of physical conditioning. That feeling stuck with him, so he spent the following Summer and Fall running, cycling and strength training on his own.

My long, drawn-out point is that you don't need to force your kid to play sports for a high school or any other organized team. But you should "strongly encourage" him to participate in some sort of activity to maintain an acceptable level of fitness.

Getting There Myself wrote:

My long, drawn-out point is that you don't need to force your kid to play sports for a high school or any other organized team.

I agree with this advice. Nevertheless, it is unacceptable to allow them to forego all involvement with extracurricular clubs and/or volunteering opportunities. A healthy lifestyle does not consist of coming home after a day of work, flipping on the TV/videogame and putting your brain on autopilot and your life on hold. A robust life involves new experiences (some of them we may like and others not) which is the point of this little excercise in exploration. Nobody is saying the kid needs to make a lifetime commitment to a single sport, committee, club or event.

Dad might push a bit more wrote:

Then he threw out that he's sorry he's not like his older brother. (His older brother is in college now and was a bit amazing as far as leadership, sports and popularity)

Well, here you go. Tell him he can either join a school club/team/theatrical production etc. for the socialization benefits or that you're going to have him talk to a therapist to deal with his apparent sense of inferiority.

Seriously, call me old fashioned, but I think kids need different circles of friends -- doesn't have to be sports necessarily, but they should have to learn how to do new things and interact with new people -- face to face and not just using social media.

geetar wrote:

go watch The Great Santini. Follow that example.

Try bouncing a basketball off the back of his head to see if that motivates him.

Bull Meechum: There's those that has got 'em, Ben, and those that don't!

Ben Meechum: What?

Bull Meechum: Gonads, Son! Big brass ones!

It sounds like you have a great kid. He listens to you, he does his work, he doesn't mind chores, he likes to read, he rides his bike, etc.

And he knows himself. So many people (young and old) don't actually know themselves very well. He knows, right now, that he does not want to be pinned down by some team. Playing high school sports can be awesome, but in many ways they are also overrated.

I would only be concerned if your son started spending all his time on one thing (like only video games, and note, only football or only running is also a problem). Your son sounds awesome and he's well rounded, let him keep being him.

If this kid is generally happy and honest and reasonably reasonable, I agree with let him be.

I was a reasonably decent high school runner - this was over 35 years ago - ran 4:08 for the mile.

I was pushed into running by my father who saw some talent in me and who dearly wanted no financial responsibility for his kids - running was a way to get me off to college at no cost to him (and me going to college was important in his upper middle class social status). He was a former very successful high school coach before going into business- so my running was also vital to his ego.

In any event, running was an exercise in sheer abuse and misery. . After a poor performance (e.g., a 9:40 two mile as a ninth grader - I did run 9:20 that year), a head bashing against the basement wall was in order. This was not uncommon and occurred often. My attitude today towards running is highly ambivalent as a result (I had some talent) and I would have been a much happier kid if I just found my own way. I understand that the father posting here is likely a very reasonable guy and would not, as my father did, beat the daylights of out his kid to get him to run, but I think the point is that you appreciate the kid as they come to you.

My academic accomplishments turned out - statistically at least - to be much rarer and much better than anything I did as a runner - and I was a consistent Division 1 big conference all-conference type. I used to dream of spending quality time to studies in high school and college, and finally did so in graduate school, where I developed my own sense of accomplishment and gained true freedom. I was happiest in my twenties when I could just be myself. I consider myself lucky, by any standard.

I let my kids just be - they are both excellent students (as in at the very top of the heap) and are happy.

i agree with let him be wrote:. After a poor performance (e.g., a 9:40 two mile as a ninth grader - I did run 9:20 that year), a head bashing against the basement wall was in order. .

Your mother serving him with divorce papers should have been in order.

The kid in the op sounds fine to me. There's nothing wrong with B's in high school. White people problems.

I'd say yes, give him a push to do some activity regularly. I needed a push like that once, and I'm glad my mom was there to give it to me. Here's my story: when I was in the 8th grade, I was pretty overweight/out of shape/nonathletic, but went out for the football team because that was what all the cool kids did in the midwestern city I grew up in and I desperately wanted to be a cool kid. It was horrible though -- I was totally unprepared and lasted through about two or three weeks of practice (didn't even make it to the first game) and then told my mom I was quitting, partly because it was really super hard for me and partly because I wanted to go hang out and play video games at my friend's house. My mom was pretty pissed, and told me that if I quit, I had to do some other kind of sport or exercise (not necessarily on an organized team, but just regularly). I told her I would run around the block every day, which I probably thought was the easiest way to satisfy the requirement. And I started doing it, sometimes grudgingly, but I did it. And then I'd run around the block twice. And then I run down the bike path near our house for awhile. And so on. That spring, in gym class, I broke 6 min in the mile for the first time (I'd always been able to slog out about a 7-8 min mile in past years, so clearly had some latent talent in there). Doing that made me think I should join the track team, which I did. The next year, as a freshman in HS, I went out for the XC team where I saw steady improvement from like a 21-22 min 5k down to just under 19 min, and that spring I ran a 4:40 mile on the track and was was one of only two freshman to run on the varsity team (which won the state meet that year). I progressed from there, and I ended my HS career as the individual state runner-up in the 800m, and went on to run varsity XC and track for a D1 program in college. 10+ years since college, running is still a huge part of my life and identity, and I really do think it was because my mom essentially pushed me out the door that day after I quite the football team. Not only that, but I think having the structure of the team, etc. (once I got into it) saved me from the worst instances of self-destructive behavior in which I might have engaged during HS. Anyway, I know I'm just a sample size of one, but seems to me it's worth trying to give your kid a push. Good luck!

Someone else mentioned it, but my parents gave me the choice to play sports or get a job. It was an easy choice. I always like sports anyway, so it wasn't an issue. I ran and played soccer in HS and loved both.

My older sister was also an athlete. She played soccer and was a cheerleader. But my younger sister never liked sports, so she went the job route. After being a hostess for two years at a nice restaurant in town, she decided to get a job at Hooters (when she turned 18). I am not joking. You have to understand that she had no intention of ever working there, but when she came home with the uniform and contract, my dad flipped his lid and backed down on his end of the bargain. She babysat her Senior year and made more money than ever.

We all had pretty decent grades, but my younger sister went to Oberlin and then Columbia for graduate school. We still laugh about that... I remember my dad calling me freaking out.

My kids play sports, but they are still in middle school (6th and 9th grade). Their school goes through 9th grade, so I'll have one in High School next year. Neither of my kids play video games; I just don't think they are interested in that stuff. I never liked them either.

rojo wrote:Yes. My best runner at Cornell was smoking a lot of pot, not doing anything in HS (Well i think he was an aerial skiier hence the pot smoking) up through 10th grade. His dad said, "I don't care what it is - but you are doing one sport at school next year."

He picked running and ended up being an All-American. Now it's not fair as the kid was incredibly talented at everything he set his mind to (Cd published, all-american in running etc) so it's a lot more fun to do something and find out you are amazing at it. But if his dad hadn't made him try it, it would have never happened.

Ha, I wonder how often this has happened. I was like Rojo's runner in HS minus the pot smoking. Hated my Mom for forcing me to do a sport my soph year. Picked XC because too scrawny for football and HATED it until I fell in love with it. State champion by senior year, All-American in college, travelled the U.S. and Europe.

Troupe - my mother did divorce, but took far too long (she loved the money), and was for the most part a hard core substance abuser and addict (her way of dealing with the pain).

I have been successful in my life, but have spent most of my adult life taking care of my mother. She lives with terrific guilt over being a neglectful parent.

I am astounded at the lousy wild card I drew with my parents. So be it - many have it far, far worse.

Again, running is mixed up in all of this, and I am at best ambivalent. My father was reasonably well known in track circles before he went into business - some will likely guess who he is. Never should have been a father.

I do have a great deal of empathy for teenagers - and the challenges they face - and really think parents forget that only the most important things - kindness, honesty and some kind of work ethic - are all that really matter.