Best 'Family Guy' quotes

What do you think of the one you call God?

isn't his absense slight - ly - odd

maybe he's forgotten you!!!

Quagmire : "What's all the noise boys? I was just jer-in a sound sleep"

Hey Fonzi you've been with a lot of women. You ever get a sexual disease?

I got herpes twice and the clap..ehhhhh

Wow, what a great website... only halfway down the list and already picked out so many favorites...

Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?

Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?

Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.

Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".

Peter Griffin : Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.

Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.

Stewie Griffin : [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.

Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?

Stewie Griffin : Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh

Lois Griffin : Peter, you're drunk again.

Peter Griffin : No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

I can't believe no one has used anything from the Olympics for Special People episode.

Peter: "So what ever happened to that bank robber that you caught?"

Joe: "Ironically, when I landed on him, I severed his spine."

Peter: (laughs) "Looks like you'll have some more competition at next year's games."

Joe: "No, actually he's dead."

Also from that episode, a bunch of good sports:

"The 100m dash for people afraid of red tape"

and

"Bulimic pie eating"

Lois, a boat is great, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat! And you know much we've wanted a boat!

That episode is on right now.

"Did G.W. Bush quit after losing the popular vote?"

"NO!"

.....

guy at pool: sir could u please move ur van off the diving board, u cant park there

Peter: Hey, thats not a van, thats my son!!

Guy at pool: oh sorry, (then yells at his coworker) HEy, its not a van, its just a fat kid.

That one is classic and the one where they give diamonds to peters wife and it goes to the sillouete like the diamonds comercials and says "diamonds (then the girls head moves down), she'll almost have to." That is by far one of the funniest things i have ever seen.

"Dear diary, Jackpot!"[quote]IATRACK15 wrote:

Wait...That gives me an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if even began to know what i was talking about...

Quaqmire to Trisha Takinawa...

I've never done a spanish chick before...OH LAY

[On being President of the tobacco company]

Peter: And they give us a lot of perks, too.

Ugly Girl (to Meg): Hi.

Meg: Who are you?

Ugly Girl: I'm the ugly girl sent to stand next to you to make you more desirable.

lala wrote:

[On being President of the tobacco company]

Peter: And they give us a lot of perks, too.

Ugly Girl (to Meg): Hi.

Meg: Who are you?

Ugly Girl: I'm the ugly girl sent to stand next to you to make you more desirable.

YOu forgot the best part of the quote:

Boy Meg Likes: He Meg, did you get less ugly?

Some of the best lines from Famliy Guy come from the opening vignette before the theme song. Examples:

After watching a commercial for "Double Fresh Gum" (you know Double you pleasure, double your fun...) that features siamese twins attached at varying parts of their bodies, Peter Says:

"Hey lets go to the circus."

Then there is the who Mentos (called Mint-os) commercial that features John Wilkes Booth trying to figure out how to kill Abraham Lincoln.

And then to top them all was the 2nd season premiere where they used every action movie cliche:

Meg: Cut the blue wire! They're all blue wires.

Stewie: You want my badge number! Here! (Slap) Here's fricking badge number.

Lois: I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly.

Brian: Everyone I've told about the brief is dead.

Peter: Lois the case is already lost.

Brian (to a dead, bleeding Quagmire): Who did this to you!

Peter tells his family that he has a black ancestor:

Chris: Cool! I get to be black and Irish.

Meg: Cool! Now I get to wear pants that actually show off my big butt.

Lois: OH! I've got to go tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!

Peter to Bill Gates and Michael Eisner: "Hey does anyone have a quarter for the toll booth.

Bill Gates to Michael Eisner: "Whats a quarter?"

Also from the tobacco company episode:

Peter gives a phony excuse to his boss to get out of work.

Brain: Please. Peter your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.

(Everyone gasps)

Brian: Too soon?

The El Dorado tobacco company takes over the toy company Peter works at. One of the toys they produce is "Baby Smokes-alot".

Press Baby Smokes-alots tummy: "MMMMMM...hehehehe...tastes like happy!"

Chris: Cooooool! That's imitatable!

Peter's dad: You're a good woman, Lois. Maybe you're not going to hell after all, just to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.

Peter: Hear that, Lois? You love kids!

Lois just kicked her karate teachers ass. Peter comes over to congratulate her. She kisses him forcefully and then grabs his junk:

"This is mine! This is where my babies come from!"