Best 'Family Guy' quotes

peter talking to his black ancestor in the mirror

peter: whats heaven like?

black ancestor: there's a shortage of chairs.

peter: oh.

black ancestor: yeah

Peter: "No, no, no. I read about this in a book once."

Brian: "You sure it was a book? You sure it wasn't nothing?"

Salesman: "How about I let you in on something every home owner needs: VOLCANO INSURANCE! Now, I have an uncle that knows a lot about volcanos, and he says a volcano is coming THIS WAY."

Peter: "But we've never had any trouble with volcanos."

Salesman: "Well don't you think we're due for one?"

Peter (thinking): Touche, salesman. I too have an uncle.

Peter: Come in.

Stewie to Olivia on the steps outside their child acting school...

"Well, Olivia, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch."

Peter: I bet you didn't know i ran 2 weeks of junior high track (as he takes off running down the street)

Death: If i can catch Flo-Jo i can catch you

In the same episode:

Meg: Whoa, how'd you do that? (referring to his 'deepthroating' of his chicken leg)

Death: I made some movies in my past, that i'm not too proud of.

I'm going to turn you into poo.

This is from the episode where peter accidentally puts a hit out on lois. He goes to meet with the don and peter says," What, what you want me to whack a guy, off a guy, whack off a guy cause I'm married."

Also the next one is from the episode where peter doesn't put the downpayment on cheezy charlies for stewie's b-day party, and he tries to explain to lois why.

Little Timmy: I have 13 tickets is that enough?

CC worker: I'm sorry Timmy but you need 15 tickets in order to live.

Funny lines and well placed. So many more out there. peace

Brian: Whose leg you got to hump to get a martini around here?

No sprinkles.....for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!!!

actually the new season doesn't start until summer 2005. and seth macfarlane's new show 'american dad' is starting in februrary.

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years in prison.

Peter: Oh no!

Lois: Oh no!

Brian: Oh no!

Kool-Aid man: Oh Yeah!

Peter: I took a coupon from a chicken....once...(5 minute fight scene with chicken ensues)

Stewie: I like you old man. Let's just see how you like spending the next 50 years of your life in FROZEN CARBONITE!

Surprised no one's mentioned this one yet:

"My kids worship the ground that he can't walk on."

Peter, referring to the wheelchaired neighbor, Joe. That was one of those drink-though-the-nose inducing lines. Totally no PC, but funny as hell.

Holy crip he's a crapple!!!

My favorite is still:

"What the deuce?"

FG is the best show on tv. Stewie's monologue with broccoli is great.

"9-11, Yeah its quagmire again, this time its stuck in the window" -also a good one

There are 10-20 quality quotes each episode.

The Willy Wonka Knock off episode is by far the best....so many quotes....

Pawtucket- "Cmon on buds drink my suds, into a state of pure inebriation...something something..., and youll be tanked, like the whole Irish Nation!

"He trips and falls and grabs his knee moaning...AHHH! for like a min and a half before commercial"

"WOW...its like i died and went to heaven, but then they realized it wasnt my time, and they sent me back to this Brewery"

My top 5 quotes from family guy:

Stewie: How positivitely delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubbles!

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...

Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.

Stewie: Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.

Stewie: I was curious!

heres a whole website of them

BEER COMMERCIAL: If you drink this beer, you'll get lots of hot chicks. (something like that)

LOIS: See Peter, I bet that commercial was made by a man.

PETER: Of cource, it was made by a man Lois, it's a commercial, not delicious turkey dinner.