Being cheated on...were you able to stay together?

asdfasdfasfasdf wrote:

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Speaking from experience, this is probably true. In all honesty, I think you should just walk away.

I'm reposting this OP, because it's exactly what you need to hear. It's not often you get A++++ advice on lrc, but this is about as close as you will ever come.

Justin Gatlin

Drop the woman. She killed any trust you had or could potentially have gained.

It sucks, but you will always be thinking in the back of your mind about that.

I've been married for over 20 years. Human beings living full and lives will get into situations like this from time to time.

If either one of you isn't serious about recovering from this, then end it.

On the other hand if both of you really want to make it work you can get through anything. It will be difficult but you will come out stronger in the end.

once a cheater always a cheate wrote:

This once a cheater always a cheater is nonsense.

I know a couple, where the guy cheated on the woman when they were dating and now they are happily married.

Let's not talk cliches.

Most people cheat at some point in a long relationship - the rational assumption is that your partner has cheated whether you know about it or not.

The question is do you value honesty over fidelity or vice versa.

Looks like out of two pages only one vote for staying together.

I say walk away.

I suppose there's a chance it can work not knowing your circumstances. 7 years is tough to walk away from. In my experience this is what will happen: The trust will not come back. Your jealousy will cause other problems, other fights. What happens after the next big fight, will she cheat again? After a few months of emotional torment you will start to close yourself off from her. Your relationship will become more cold and distant, and could limp along indefinitely that way, but will likely never be the same as before. So I say walk away with your dignity intact right now.

It will never work. Dump her and move on. Trust Letsrun (for once).

I vote leave, women are dumb and easily throw good shit away. Find the one smart enough not to.

I can see that 7 years is tough to walk away from. But here is a question that might get you out the door. As hard as it might be to walk now, what will it be like if it happens again and you have to walk after you have kids?

jointblazer wrote:

I vote leave, women are dumb and easily throw good shit away. Find the one smart enough not to.

"But I'm not HAAAPPPPYYYY..."

Relationships take a lot of work. They are not easy or are they a lot of fun, but they can be rewarding with the right woman.

OP - get rid of this woman, who somehow thought it was OK to throw seven years of your time out the window.

People make mistakes...sometimes real big ones.

The fact that she told you months afterwards indicates that her conscience was eating at her and that she wanted to come clean. That doesn't sound like a person who has intentions of cheating, it sounds like someone who has real remorse over a bad mistake she made and wants to restore the honesty in your relationship.

You have a choice: you either have to forgive her or you have to leave her.

If you can't forgive her, you have to leave her.

Before you leave her, though, (if it comes to that), tell her how you are struggling with the problem. Let her know that you may have to end the relationship. Give her a chance to respond to your hurt, your loss of trust. If her love for you is great, and yours for her is great, then there will be a way through this mess - and it is in the strength of the combined love you have for one another.

smell the coffee, wrote:Before you leave her, though, (if it comes to that), tell her how you are struggling with the problem. Let her know that you may have to end the relationship. Give her a chance to respond to your hurt, your loss of trust. If her love for you is great, and yours for her is great, then there will be a way through this mess - and it is in the strength of the combined love you have for one another.

You sound too mature to be lurking in this cesspool.

OP, leave her now!

If you stay be prepared for all the technological reminders you will have of the infidelity. On TV you will watch movies where cheating is involved, you will read stories where cheating is involved, you will hear stories from your friends of people who cheat. It will be never ending. The bombardment of this will have psychological consequences. There will be many reminders throughout your journey, so be prepared.

She's wanted to f%ck that other dude for a long time. She just used the fight as an excuse.

OP, you're lucky that your thread generated some very helpful responses. As a man who has slayed dozens of women I can tell you that some of the information in this thread will help you out, if you allow it.

I thought you might like a female perspective.

I think what concerns me the most is you were fighting a lot before the cheating, so something was already wrong before she strayed. Please don't interpret that as me saying you share in the blame of her cheating, not even remotely implying that. She was wrong, and reacted to a bad few weeks in her relationship in an immature and impulsive way. Is she like that in the other areas of her life? Your continued fighting is also something to consider when deciding whether to end this relationship.

The cheating sounded physical more than emotional, and sometimes the latter can be harder to forgive. She confessed it, so she definitely felt bad about it. If you had found out on your own or through a third party, that would have been worse. Who was this guy? Random guy in a bar, co-worker, old friend? Any chance of further contact with him? That is something to consider. And how hard is she working to re-earn your trust? She can't do that by just apologizing continually. She should be an open book and willing to answer any questions you have, whether it be about the affair, her emails, whereabouts, or phone calls.

Cheating can take a long time to get over, so don't expect this hurt to go away anytime soon. Sounds like the two of you were together during college, and a long shared history is a hard thing to let go. I advise you to put some space between the two of you again, or at least don't just go back living together and just stew about this silently in your own mind. "Working it out" is not moving back in and hoping the hurt goes away over time. You need to really think hard about what you want. Forgiveness is a process and a conscience decision, and one you have to work at, sometimes everyday. If you find you just cannot forgive her, and she's not working hard to earn your trust, you have to let this relationship go. All you'll do is punish the both of you, and that is no way to live.

This might sound strange, but if you want to trust and be trustworthy, give each other your email passwords and permission to login. Also, leave your phones on the kitchen counter at night with the understanding that you can pick up the other's phone any time to check call or text logs.

There is no reason to waste time on a relationship that is less than ideal.

You two were already not very happy, and the fact that she would do this just because of some fighting shows that she has weak character and is not really committed to you.

Why try to keep this relationship alive when there is a girl out there that will treat you a million times better than your ex ever did?

Move on man, you won't regret it.