Can I get some life advice because I know I focus too much on running but I can't help it

hasn't this been posted already? dude, get a girlfriend. Or better yet, focus on your CAREER now and by age 30 you'll be sitting pretty.

One thing is obvious. You seem to want to talk and be listened to. And you have access to free therapy through your school I say go for it. There are people who actually pay big money to see therapists and you can get it for free.

As for advice in general, one problem with seeing yourself as unique is that you're unwilling or unable to see yourself in other people. It's hard to fix flaws in yourself unless you can see what they are, and the only way to do that is to see them in someone else and realize you do the same thing.

Have some experience with your situation. Best advice I can give is to force yourself to be in situations where you have to interact with people. The easy one here is to rejoin the team. You may feel awkward but over time you'll be glad you had the social stimulation. Life is a lot easier with friends or at a minimum acquaintances. On top of that you will never have a meaningful relationship with a chick unless you can show you have stuff to keep you occupied outside her. Failing all that, work hard enough in school to obtain some sort of career. Anti social types can make a go of it of they have a work environment to keep them intellectually and socially stimulated. You seem like you have social anxiety. Social anxiety is real and can be crippling. Personally I made some bad life choices that ended friendships and made me unhappy simply because I was worried about being the awkward or uncool one in the crowd. Fact is, no one really cares all that much about your lack of coolness. It's not easy to make friends but you're lucky enough to be in a college situation that provides access to extracurricular activities and a sports team. Join anything and everything that will have you, even if it seems to not be a fit. Your opportunities will be fewer as you get older. Complacency and lack of motivation are impediments to happiness. The simplest and best thing to do is put yourself out there early and often and do your best to ignore the associated anxiety. Rarely will you ever regret doing something social after the fact.

ffrraannkk wrote:

One thing is obvious. You seem to want to talk and be listened to. And you have access to free therapy through your school I say go for it. There are people who actually pay big money to see therapists and you can get it for free.

As for advice in general, one problem with seeing yourself as unique is that you're unwilling or unable to see yourself in other people. It's hard to fix flaws in yourself unless you can see what they are, and the only way to do that is to see them in someone else and realize you do the same thing.

^ This is great advice. I used to feel some of the same things as the original poster, and for years I just thought I was "different" and would always be an outsider. One of my best friends recommended seeing a talk therapist, and it made a huge difference in my life. He or she will be able to put your issues into perspective. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with others, and a therapist can help you figure things out.

Start with your university health services and see if they have free therapy options. If not, check and see what's offered in your town. It may take a couple sessions with a couple different therapists to find one you connect with. And don't let the stigma of therpay discourage you. Fixing your mental health is just as important as your physical health. For some reason in this country we look down on those in therapy; I've never understood that because we could all use a little help now and then.

OP:

Go get some therapy. Once you hit 30, everyone else will be knee deep in it, too.

Get back on the team, but realize that no matter how much you love running, it will never support you. I ran 14:18 in the 5k and it took me a while after college to realize that I wasn't going to be a professional runner. I ran the marathon Trails, which was cool, but it was just a race. The older I get (I am 34), the less I see running as a "passion." I still love it, but it isn't consuming.

Coaching is also probably not your ticket. I don't say that for any reason other than it takes a pretty personable guy to lead a team. I mean, coaching requires a lot of social interaction.

Get out of finance and find something you enjoy. If you make decent grades, try something along the lines of engineering or design. Possibly medicine?

Get therapy, though. I have gone to some sessions in the past and I honestly really liked it. It was stress-related, but all kinds of things were discussed.

Immediate steps:

1. Get some therapy this week. Go do it right now.

2. Ask about joining the team again. Don't worry about being social. Just work hard on the track and be nice. The rest will follow.

3. Make an effort to hang out with your roommate. Plan something for this weekend (or one night this week). Even if it is a movie.

4. Don't stress about the girl thing. It will happen. Just relax and stay away from porn if possible. I am not really anti-porn on the whole, but with your lack of experience, it will only mess things up on the relationship side in the future.

5. Make an effort. In everything that you do. It makes almost everything more fun. Cook a damn fine dinner tonight. Clean the apartment really well this week. If you try really hard at something, it automatically gives you a higher level of confidence, even if you suck at it.

Hope it helps.

Sorry... Trials, not Trails. As in, Olympic Marathon Trials.

Thank you for the replies. I am going to look into the counseling/therapy at my school tonight. How do I know if I "click" with someone. I've never been so I assume I am sitting down and letting everything out? Honestly I'm skeptical that a therapist can actually help me - like change the way I feel about things. But that's what I need to do, and I think it might be free if it's offered so I will check it out since there's nothing to lose.

I will think about rejoining the team but I'm really not sure. I also really want to find a subject I enjoy that I can make a careeer out of. I don't actually see myself in any job. I am not sure how much of me is disliking finance itself, compared to how much of me is just disliking everything in general which is making me lazy in all my classes, including finance. I personally don't see myself in business, but I don't know what else I'd look at. I honestly don't have any hobbies right now except for running. I enjoy watching TV too and eating food lol. Sounds lazy but I'm a simple guy. I do need to be more social though. My roommate and I just chill out and watch our favorite shows together.

I feel I don't have time for clubs. And I want to work on my "professional" profile. I need to start building one even though I'm reluctant and not really thrilled too. My part time job is retail but I don't dislike it, so I'd like to keep that. Also, I know I need to get more involved somewhere with people, but I'm having a hard time wanting to give up the training and running I am doing. It really doesn't take up THAT much of my time, but since I have a fairly easy school schedule I am able to plan sufficient time to workout and recovery this semester. (Even though my school schedule is overall easy, I still procrastinate a ton since I have a lack of motivation and interest there, that needs fixing for sure).

It's not like I really get invited anywhere so I can really focus on the training. Winter break I'll hit training hard back home, maybe I'll scale it back second semester but I still want to race well. I know joining a team is the obvious decision here. I've even considered looking for a new team. At times I actually enjoy being able to fit a run in where is best for me, instead of a scheduled practice time every day. Half the team would always miss practice due to conflicts last year which was not very ideal. I am running stronger and faster on my own than I have before. I'm not a training expert but I think I have a good grasp. But I mainly made this thread to try to find a balance socially and all that, so thanks for the help thus far. This paragraph I just wanted to touch on the running side of things and how I feel about racing a little.

In Need of Advice wrote:

Thank you for the replies. I am going to look into the counseling/therapy at my school tonight. How do I know if I "click" with someone. I've never been so I assume I am sitting down and letting everything out? Honestly I'm skeptical that a therapist can actually help me - like change the way I feel about things. But that's what I need to do, and I think it might be free if it's offered so I will check it out since there's nothing to lose.

I can only speak from my experience, but you'll just know within a visit or two if you click with a therapist. You're not just going to walk into the office and start talking. He or she will ask you questions, and the session will flow from there. My only advice is to be completely honest. Your therapist will challenge you. At times it will be uncomfortable. But you will always leave the office with greater understanding or insight into what you're doing.

As far as feeling a therapist won't be able to help you, I felt the same way initially. I look at my sessions as helping me find the "why" behind what I do. As in "why do I feel awkward around a team of my peers?" or "why am I not happy in my current major." We feel a certain way, but sometimes it takes a professional to help us understand why.

I also recommend rejoining the team this spring. Being around your peers, all working towards a common goal is a huge thing.

You click with a therapist if you don't feel like you have to lie to them. If you find yourself lying to the person then you probably don't click.

Not to be Richard, but maybe the best thing would be for running to be taken away from you. Eventhough you seem to like it so much...and it actually appears you are at least borderline obsessed with it, it is holding you back from experiencing life. People who are addicted or obsessed become so focused on that one thing, that the rest of the things in their life suffer.

Its fine you don't like your major. Many people love their major in school but hate their careers. You have the option to change your major or stay in it and hope you get a job you like. You could hate the basis of your career, work with great people, and really like work.

What you get out of counseling depends on what you are willing to put into it by being forthcoming, honest, by listening, and doing what you are told to do. I would say there are millions of people in the US just like you. Many people like to be kind of alone, with a few close friends, pursuing their hobbies. Sharing your life with someone is the best thing in life. If you akwardness doesn't keep you from meeting someone for a relationship, it may not be that big of an issue.

i am curious wrote:

I would say there are millions of people in the US just like you. Many people like to be kind of alone, with a few close friends, pursuing their hobbies. Sharing your life with someone is the best thing in life. If you akwardness doesn't keep you from meeting someone for a relationship, it may not be that big of an issue.

This is also great advice. Wanting to do things alone doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you. But relationships (both romantic and platonic) are a huge part of the human experience. That doesn't mean you have to be a social butterfly, but being able to identify why you feel anxious and awkward in social situations will be a great first step on the road to a lifetime of contentment.

You are who you are. A therapist will help you identify why you are who you are and how you can use that to your advantage.

This may be way off base but sometimes when you are over training you can lose focus on other things. Just like you run the best when you are not too heavy and not too light, you will race the best when your training isn't so hard that you can't do anything else. Good luck.

Lots of people deal with these issues when they are in college--especially if they are away from home and a support network of friends and family. Consider going home at Thanksgiving (or definitely Christmas) and give your self time to re-consider everything you are doing, what's going well, what isn't, what can be done to improve things.

As others have said, look into a counseling service at school. This should be included with any fees you pay for student health services. Set up an initial visit and make a list of areas that you want help with (like your original post). Talk to your parents if you need help paying for this. It's better to try this and find out it's not helping than vice versa. If you don't get a good "feel" for the first person you meet, then try a 2nd or 3rd.

If you aren't sure about your major, meet with a career counselor to see what you like to, what you're good at, what you're interested in. This will help guide you to a major. The book "What Color is Your Parachute" helps with this as well. There's usually a student club/professional society on campus that arranges tours of local companies or brings in guest speakers to talk about what jobs are like. You might be able to work for a professor as an assistant. Look into an internship or a co-op to get some practical work experience in your major before you graduate.

It's easy pour all your extra energy into running and get some satisfaction out of that, but doesn't help with introversion/social anxiety factor. Running and other individual (non-team) sports tend to attract people who are already introverted to begin with. You may need to force yourself to cut back on running and make time other recreational activities that have a more social component to them. If you want to keep running competitively, talk to the coach about working out with the team (now) or join a running club. There will be a lot of value to have the structure of a set time/location/people to meet with. Most people on this site benefited from running on a team in HS or college, and that's why they like these message boards.

If you are going to school away from home, and you feel that your overall well-being would be improved by changing schools to be closer to friends and family, then give that some consideration.

That's the thing, I'm just like not interested in anything. I know that sounds bad and kinda ridiculous but it's true. The more I think about what I'd like to do, I have no clue. I am not exceptionally good at anything and I am lazy which I'll have to work on, but no courses make me want to do the work or excite me. I just go through the motions to get work done and memorize things. I wish I wasn't this way, I WANT to find something that just clicks for me and I like doing, but really I just like running, hanging out, movies/tv, etc...I know other people like these things, but they also are able to apply themselves to their major and are learning things. I feel I'm not doing that unfortunately

I don't think I'm overtraining, but I appreciate the thought. I don't think that's affecting what's going on though. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with running, but I can see how it can be labeled that way based on my posts. I just really enjoy reading up on racing/training and following elite running and doing it myself. I don't want to let the running go at this point because I am stronger than I have ever been and I know I have a lot of potential. I'm only 20, and I hope to do this for several years. Hopefully I'll be in a better social and mental state down the road, and maybe be in a local training group or something that I can enjoy socially while still bettering myself in running. I feel like I can race really well next Spring which excites me just thinking about it. In an ideal world, I know this is gonna sound bad, but I wish I could just focus on running and not school. I wish I was an elite runner but obviously that's not going to happen. I'll need to change my mindset completely, it's just hard for me to see that being able to happen right now based on how I've been thinking and living for the time being.

Go see a counselor. You need some sessions working on social skills. They can be learned and they're supposed to be pleasant all the time. Do it now. Don't waste your time and your parent's money just so you will have time to run. You will seriously regret later. You can run later but can't go to college twice.

I don't think it's wrong to look for a new school running wise. Maybe a fresh start is what you need. I hope you find a suitable major, it's hard I know

I can relate somewhat. I do find myself very anti-social and very nervous initially in social settings, but once I get in there and start communicating, the nerves leave. Know that you're not the only one in this situation. I realized, I wasn't living my life, but hiding from it. I think you will miss out on a lot of opportunities if you let this control you. Running in college is really one of the best times in a runners life. I think you should try and get out there again. I agree with finding a therapist to talk with and get the anxieties out.

hang in there and good luck.

The Brojos make a good point that 2 hours a day is sufficient to dedicate to running and make progress. If you lift and/or do supplemental work, then maybe 3 hours a day. If you did nothing else (e.g., quit school), you would waste a lot of time with TV/internet/games/drinking, etc. Get through the Fall semester and plan some "downtime" to think about how you can improve things. Sometimes schools have a leave of absence plan for up to a year that allows you to go to another school, study abroad, work, etc. and then return (if you want) without reapplying for admission.

See I don't drink or smoke at all. I'm fairly healthy. I kinda wish I DID drink in the past so I was comfortable with it since it's pretty prevalent on my campus. I don't see myself having a normal future becaus I really have no outside interests. I don't know how to socialize over drinks with people, I enjoy sports (football) but don't even follow it enough to talk about certain players and teams.

I really only spend 2 hours max on running per day. Usually an hour. Just a run, then maybe core or some stretching. But I DO plan my day around how to get a workout or run in sometimes. I don't think that's too unnormal, it's just that I don't have anything else going on and no goals outside of running which I know is bad. If I'm not in class or at work I am spending time on Letsrun or Reddit. I don't even play video games like a normal guy. Not saying I have to play them but still...idk lol

I am really considering a leave of absence but it's hard for me to decide how to really make it meaningful time off. I could study abroad but I don't feel like I would come back a changed person. That's the unfortunate thing. I just have so much self doubt. I'm such a boring person, I can't find enjoyment in any academic fields and don't even have the motivation to learn about recreational things that I could discuss with others. For example, I could force myself to learn all the football players and what's going on, but I don't truly have the desire to do that. But I WISH I did (not necesarilly football, this is just an example). So I really don't know what's up with me. I want to connect with others and my peers but I don't see it happening. Probably my lack of self confidence.

Also is there any difference between a therapist vs. a psychologist? Would I want to see one over the other? I am going to schedule an appt with a school counselor this upcoming week and I'll see what happens with that.