Man with weapons vs. chimp - who would win in a fight to the death?

A gorilla would make more sense.

It seems like a healthy human adult male would be a favourite over an average sized adult chimpanzee. They weigh like 100 pounds. Sure they got some teeth, and they might pull out a few upset victories, and the human may often get injured, but I would expect a human to kill a chimp in a cage match.

Add in a weapon and the odds on the human just go up.

Two ideas:

- Throw the knife, not the spear. There's no point in stabbing it with the knife since it's reach is longer than yours, and your eyes will likely be gouged out before the chimp gets stabbed. The spear, on the other hand, is long enough to keep the chimp at bay.

- When you're using the bow and arrow or the gun, aim for the groin, not the head. If you miss, you'll still hit the chimp in the chest or legs, and if you don't miss, the chimp will be in too much pain to attack you.

With that said, here are my odds of victory for the human, assuming he gets a few weeks of training in using those weapons:

1.) Tazer - 65%

2.) Large rock (you pick the size and the weight) - 1%

3.) Baseball bat - 2%

4.) Brass knuckles and track spikes - 1.5%

5.) Kitchen knife - 20%

6.) Samurai sword - 80%

7.) Spear - 60%

8.) Bow and arrow - 67%

9.) Motorcycle - 10%

10.) .22 cal gun with only one bullet - 70%

seriously guys, seriously wrote:

A gorilla would make more sense.

It seems like a healthy human adult male would be a favourite over an average sized adult chimpanzee. They weigh like 100 pounds. Sure they got some teeth, and they might pull out a few upset victories, and the human may often get injured, but I would expect a human to kill a chimp in a cage match.

You do realize that chimps are 4-5 times stronger than humans per pound, right?

From:

"A 165-pound male chimpanzee named "Boma" registered a pull of 847 pounds, using only his right hand (although he did have his feet braced against the wall, being somewhat hip, in his simian way, to the principles of leverage). A 165-pound man, by comparison, could manage a one-handed pull of about 210 pounds"

"In dead lifts, chimps have been known to manage weights of 600 pounds without even breaking into a sweat."

I would tear that chimp a new asshole with nothing but my bare hands.

We have to assume that this is an enraged chimp, and it's mad at YOU.

I wouldn't want to get in close at all. That rules out the tazer, rock, knuckles, and motorcycle (huh?).

I'm also not sure of the stopping power of the gun or bow and arrow, but you might get a lucky hit and end it quick.

I think people are underestimating the baseball bat. They hurt. Since fiction always reflects reality, I present exhibit A:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGybElTldIY

Now I realize that in this informative clip he had the chance to line it up, but still, I like my chances with a nice aluminum bat.

Finally, the sword and kitchen knife. If I knew what I were doing with these, I'd like my chances.

If it were a gorilla, I wouldn't bet money on myself with any of the weapons mentioned.

asasmzcxv wrote:

I think people are underestimating the baseball bat. They hurt. Since fiction always reflects reality, I present exhibit A:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGybElTldIY

True, the bat could be good, but the chance to line it up like that is slim. And if the chimp is half as fast and strong as we like to think, he'd have a good chance of just taking it from you. That's why I like the sword. Even a crappy hit will draw blood, and if he tried to grab it from you, he just loses half his hand.

Any of the weapons are just going to get in your way/ be used by the chimp on you/ or be ineffective.

The key to this situation is attitude. Your best bet is to rush straight at the chimp who because of the size differential will be intimidated. Run into full head of steam and wrap him up taking away his reach advantage. Then simply start smacking the hell out of him as hard and quick as you can before he realizes what is going on. Two good blows to the head should do the trick. Game over. Its all about the intimidation and the mindset.

Go with the gun. After shooting it, you could still use it like a club.

This is child's play. My top picks would the the spear, which you should jab with rather than throw to keep the chimp away from you, and the samurai sword - less distance but even more stopping power. One good thrust and the beast is impaled or one good slash and it'll bleed to death. I'm not a weapons expert,but I'm not an uncoordinated geek either and I would be willing to give this a shot if any chimp owners are willing to test their animal's merits against me.

A REAL challenge would be man vs. bear/gorilla/lion/tiger/shark/giant octopus/dragon with those same weapons

The only thing you can stab with a spear is the air - just before that chimp reaches out a very long arm, rips the thing out of your hands, and bashes you senseless. You wouldn't even have time to think "hmm, that's why I should have picked the sword".

I love these guys who think they would win.

Sure, the freaking bushmen have all kinds of weapons to kill chimps. That is called evolution. One on one, your ass is toast.

If you think b/c you weigh twice as much as a chimp that you could win due to sheer size, you are ignorant at best.

Chimps will rock your world if they get mad.

Didnt see it the 1st time? wrote:

Why does everybody want to throw the spear?

I would keep it with me and use it to put some distance between myself and the chimp, all while stabbing it repeatedly.

Bravo! Was getting ready to dispense this wisdom myself. Spears are very effective against wild animals. That's what most of the African tribes use(d) right? You can keep the animal at a distance before dealing the death blow. Distance is important, and it would probably intimidate the chimp somewhat seeing a long, sharp spear being thrust in its direction.

The samurai sword wouldn't be bad, either, but you wouldn't be able to keep the chimp quite as far away from you during the skirmish, which could be risky.

Do we know that a tazer would have an effect on a chimp? Wild animals are different in many ways from humans. What if the tazer just pissed it off without putting it down? Plus, how is the aim on those things? Would it be easy to miss or have the electrodes bounce off?

Can we use this tazer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kT2EX07lQy8

[quote]ronniebarnhardt wrote:

This is child's play. My top picks would the the spear, which you should jab with rather than throw to keep the chimp away from you, and the samurai sword - less distance but even more stopping power. One good thrust and the beast is impaled or one good slash and it'll bleed to death. I'm not a weapons expert,but I'm not an uncoordinated geek either and I would be willing to give this a shot if any chimp owners are willing to test their animal's merits against me.

/quote]

We can talk, and talk, and talk, but the only way we're going to have an answer is by actually trying it out. So since you volunteered, let's just pick a time and place, and find out.

2 post combo of the year

OldXCguy wrote:

Lorenzo the Magnificent wrote:

Would #5 be Ginsu?

Only if you order in the next 20 minutes.

Difficult??? wrote:

2 post combo of the year

You haven't been around much I gather.

Let me just say this. While it is true that previous adminstrations have tried to paint our simian brothers with a broad brush, ascribing malevalent motives to a culture that has been misunderstood and misrepresented, I say that the time has come to recognize the inherent humanity and dignity -- the God given right to self rule and self actualization -- that we here take for granted.

What weapon works? To ask the question pre-supposes that chimps are "the other." But as my Grandmother said, "Barack, you can't say 'another' without including the 'other.'"

So I say, the day for weapons is over, and the day for a shared commitment to a world in which a we can pick a tick off the backs of our chimp neighbors while they eat fleas from our heads is upon us here.

giffypop17 wrote:

9.) Motorcycle - what are you going to do with this? try to run him over? you won't get any speed in a 100ft x 100ft cage. and he's still probably quick and agile enough to just jump on the thing while you try to run him down. if you try and use it to run from him by circling, he'll just watch you go round a few times before he pounces in and picks you off. you'll be circling pretty slow in that cage

Can you modify the motorcycle so that it keeps accelerating after you take your foot off the gas? If so, this will be much easier: put the motorcycle between you and the chimp, with the gas pedal facing you. When the chimp climbs over the vehicle to attack, step on the gas, sending both the motorbike and the chimp into the wall. With some luck, the chimp will be severely injured by the impact.