Man with weapons vs. chimp - who would win in a fight to the death?

better question, gorilla?

chimpzilla wrote:

Tazer is your best bet. Just hit him anywhere on his body and keep the juice flowing until the chimp has a heart attack.

That thing has a short range, though. Chimps move incredibly fast, and you only have one chance at getting a good shot. It's possible in theory, but you'd probably be too nervous to be accurate enough.

Would #5 be Ginsu?

Lorenzo the Magnificent wrote:

Would #5 be Ginsu?

Only if you order in the next 20 minutes.

The chimp might not be crazy at first. Get as close as possible and then hit him with the sword/tazer/.22.

Samurai sword is the only thing worth taking into that cage.

Sure, in a tight fight, we'd be just as likely to hurt ourselves as the chimp, but the other weapons are too much of a one chance deal.

1.) Tazer - only get one real chance, and a pretty difficult one at that.

2.) Large rock (you pick the size and the weight) - again, one chance, and a rock large enough to do damage is hard to throw and easy to dodge. good luck bashing him with it close range.

3.) Baseball bat - probably the easiest to use, but I don't see it doing much. Also easy to grab and use against you.

4.) Brass knuckles and track spikes - ok, maybe easier than the bat, but still useless. seriously, are 1/2 needles going to put down the beast?

5.) Kitchen knife - maybe a good choice. you're going to get hurt before you can use this thing, but at least if you can gut the chimp while he's ripping your legs off, you might kill him before he can kill you

6.) Samurai sword - you're pretty likely to hurt yourself, but you know someone's going to get cut up with this thing. with some practice and a lot of luck, it'll be the chimp freaking out when you take his arm off, and then you can behead him. or if he moves in a way you don't expect, you accidentally take your own arm off instead and then the chimp kills you

7.) Spear - only one shot, and probably not that effective. it'll slow him down and make him mad, but not put him down.

8.) Bow and arrow - even worse than the spear. you're more likely to hit him, but what's it going to do? you'll only have time for one shot, maybe two if you're really good.

9.) Motorcycle - what are you going to do with this? try to run him over? you won't get any speed in a 100ft x 100ft cage. and he's still probably quick and agile enough to just jump on the thing while you try to run him down. if you try and use it to run from him by circling, he'll just watch you go round a few times before he pounces in and picks you off. you'll be circling pretty slow in that cage

10.) .22 cal gun with only one bullet - same as previous poster. you only get one shot, and it'd better go through his brain to make any difference

Come to think of it, are we being let out of opposite ends of this cage? With some good practice with the .22, and the hope that the chimp covers most of the distance toward you in a straight line (ie, not recognizing the gun and running/dodging), I'd say my best bet would be blow the brains out.

In an ideal world, I'd want to have the .22, the samurai sword, and a kitchen knife strapped to my leg for backup. I'd also want time to train and practice, and loads of time to view any footage of chimps fighting. And even then I'd probably get owned.

What do I get if I win? It'd have to be pretty big to get me to even think of this.

giffypop17 wrote:

What do I get if I win? It'd have to be pretty big to get me to even think of this.

It depends on the type of weapon you pick. If you come out alive, you'll get 10 million bucks if you kill the chimp with only a baseball bat, while you'll only get a few thousand dollars if you pick the gun or the sword.

1.) Tazer- I think I've got a good shot, after watching the Hangover, I pretty much know hat it takes to bring down a fat idiot, chimps can't be much different

2.) Large rock (you pick the size and the weight)- no way this will do any damage. If anything it'll get the chimp all riled up and while you're on the ground, it'll bust your brains in with it.

3.) Baseball bat- hmm, if it had some nails coming out of its end then maybe- still, if you got the bat stuck, you have no shot.

4.) Brass knuckles and track spikes- this is the equivalent of taking on the chim 1-on-1 so no way.

5.) Kitchen knife- you have to get pretty darned close, by that time though, you're eyes will be out of their socket

6.) Samurai sword- ok this viable, if it's long enough you stand a pretty good shot unles the monkey has good vertical hop like DK.

7.) Spear- only if you are a pro at the javelin

8.) Bow and arrow- what kind of bow? the new modern hihg-tech kind with metal arrows? maybe, but it takes forever to reload

9.) Motorcycle- like was said before, no room to accelerate

10.) .22 cal gun with only one bullet- not a good enoug shot

Why does everybody want to throw the spear?

I would keep it with me and use it to put some distance between myself and the chimp, all while stabbing it repeatedly.

giffypop17 wrote:

Come to think of it, are we being let out of opposite ends of this cage? With some good practice with the .22, and the hope that the chimp covers most of the distance toward you in a straight line (ie, not recognizing the gun and running/dodging), I'd say my best bet would be blow the brains out.

The chimp is on one side of the cage, while you're on the opposite end.

There's your answer.

Besides, I wouldn't want to aim at its head if I had the gun - it might be a one hit K.O, but you'd probably miss even if the chimp does run in a straight line. I'd aim at its body instead. The chance of missing is pretty low, and you'd just run away and wait for him to die of blood loss.

homo sapien wrote:

There's your answer.

Besides, I wouldn't want to aim at its head if I had the gun - it might be a one hit K.O, but you'd probably miss even if the chimp does run in a straight line. I'd aim at its body instead. The chance of missing is pretty low, and you'd just run away and wait for him to die of blood loss.

Obviously our thoughts on the power of a .22 vs the strength of the chimp are all speculation, but I was going under the assumption that the enraged chimp would kill me 15 seconds after I shot him, while it would take him a good bit longer to bleed to death. He'll die eventually, but immediately after you shoot him, he's just angry. Unless you get a great headshot, or maybe a windpipe.

Killing the chimp doesn't do me any good if I die too. Whatever you do has to immobilize him pretty quickly. That's why I like the sword. Sure the chimp'll keep coming after a solid hit, but what'll it do when you take a limb off? My money says he is at least disoriented/freaked out enough to buy you a second or two to take the head off or get a solid slice through the torso.

Of course, maybe I'm overestimating the sword's ability to cleanly slice through the animal based on stupid movies and whatnot. Getting that sword stuck halfway through the chimp's upper arm wouldn't do much good.

I love this thread.

Obviously no one here has ever used a gun. A .22 is not going to do anything to a chimpanzee unless you get lucky and hit a large blood vessel. It's not going to go through the skull at any range short of a few meters, and even at that range, is dependent on where it hits. A body shot at least gives you a chance, although a small one, of a bleed out, but the bullet is small, and causes minimal tissue damage.

Spear first. Sword second. Anything else, pray the ape kills you quickly.

I'd take the .22 and off myself before I was tortured by the chimp.

Forget the spear the chimp will grab it and break it in two!

Go for the sword, slice the veins in the arms legs (extremities) do so fast, then move on to the neck, body stabs,eyes, knowing that each cut is draining his/her life, then cut off the head to seal the deal!

Lorenzo the Magnificent wrote:

Would #5 be Ginsu?

Monkey knife fights are illegal except on international waters.

if i knew how to use a spear or sword like this itd be over

unfortunately i dont

The taser would drop him like a bad habit. Sure you have to get a good shot but just let him charge you and hit him at the last second. Remember that people know what a taser is and might try to dodge it. The chimp has no idea and is just going to come straight at you and be toe up before he knows what happened. Once you drop him kick him in the head until you kill him. Leave the barbs in so if he comes around you can hit him with another shot of juice.

Give me $10,000 and I'll take it on with my no weapon at all. Matter of fact Id rather take it on with out a weapon.

Okie88 wrote:

Give me $10,000 and I'll take it on with my no weapon at all. Matter of fact Id rather take it on with out a weapon.

Having a bad day huh?