People keep harassing me about my life and I don't know why.

Minding My Business wrote:

This has been a recurring problem that has ruined many of my close relationships, and I don't really understand why it happens or why it keeps happening. After getting to know me some, people start being highly critical of my life, my life choices, and start harassing me about the way I SHOULD be living my life. They keep telling me how to live my life until I get so fed up with it that our relationship ends and we don't speak any more. This has happened with friends, coworkers, girlfriends, and family.

As far as I can tell, it's mostly jealousy and people not understanding that not everyone wants exactly the same things they do, but that doesn't really help things at all. I don't tell anyone else how to live their life. Nothing about my lifestyle causes harm to other people. I have a good job and am far more financially secure than most people my age (internet puts me at about the 89th percentile). I travel some. I have a fuel-efficient car. I run and lift weights and hike and do other things outside. I don't do drugs, barely drink, don't smoke. I help my friends when they need help (moving, need a ride, just want to talk, etc). Nothing about my life seems controversial to me, yet people always end up barraging me with tons of unsolicited advice and even criticism out of nowhere. One coworker made it a game in her mind to see how much she could screw up my work and cause trouble for me until it got so bad she basically had to be threatened with her job. I had to completely stop talking with another coworker because even making occasional small talk by truthfully answering "how was your weekend?" with what I actually did that weekend was always met with a long-winded rant about how everything I did that weekend was wrong and how I should have done all these other things. I have had to completely cut my mother out of my life because every time I talked to her all she ever told me was how wrong everything about my life was (job, personal relationships, love life, traveling, music preferences, etc). Had to dump my girlfriend a few years ago because she got very angry when I got a job that paid twice as much as the one I had prior and her behavior became very toxic. Ended a relationship with a former best friend because every time we talked he would criticize my job and my current life, tell me I was wasting my life, and tell me how I should have gotten a PhD like him even though I make more than he does and have more responsibility with my current job than he does with his. The list goes on and on.

Why does this keep happening?

Minding My Business wrote:

Be More Specific wrote:

You're not being very specific about what, exactly, their criticisms of you are: what is it that you're doing that everyone has a problem with? Are they all criticizing the same couple of traits? Absent some details, I can't tell if you really are doing something wrong or you tend to surround yourself (intentionally or unintentionally) with the same sort of people.

They never criticize the same things. It's just them always saying whatever I do is wrong because I should have done something else. If I take a trip to Cambodia, they think it's stupid because I should have gone to Chile. If I took this job that pays 2X but requires a 40 min drive every day, they say I made a dumb choice because I should have taken the job that paid 1X but was 10 min away. If I break up with someone I absolutely did not want to be with, they think I should have married her. If I say I'm not interested in a serious relationship right now because I'm focusing on other things in my life, they say I'm too old and need to find a wife (I'm 29). If I go hiking at Mt. St. Helens, they say that was dumb because I should have gone and visited some other place. If I like running and lifting weights at the gym, I'm a loser because my life would be so much better if I climbed on the rockwall like they do instead. It just goes on and on and on.

Like I say, as far as I can tell, it's just jealousy and insecurity. I'm naturally pretty good (not necessarily great but pretty good) at a lot of different things, manage my money very well (so it appears I'm much wealthier than I actually am), and stay in good shape because I live an active lifestyle and don't really like junk food, so outwardly there appears to be things for people to be jealous of, but it all seems so trivial to me. I say it's mostly jealousy because the criticism is usually about things that they wish they could do or are unhappy about. If being athletic is part of their identity, they criticize my exercise. If traveling is something they've always wanted to do, they criticize where I travel to. If they're in the same field that I'm in, they criticize the job I have. Sometimes they just like to rant at me though too, like urging me to get married when that's none of their business. It just gets old.

I guess it's mostly just losers who never really do anything themselves, so they criticize others who actually are doing things.

Minding My Business wrote:

bgm wrote:

Why do you care so much? I have had similar situations. I prefer to live and let live and can accept differences in people. Living independently feels comfortable for me. Do you speak to your mother at all? I'm just curious.

The whole point of my posts was that I DO live and let live. I have no problem with people living their lives however they want. I never tell others how to live their life. I sometimes offer advice if it seems warranted, but I don't force it or repeatedly do this. With the people I am talking about, the relationship became toxic and had to be ended because they essentially never stopped criticizing me, lecturing me, giving unsolicited advice, and telling me how my life choices were wrong. And I DO communicate to them that I didn't ask their opinion or tell them that I have different priorities and/or values than them, but in the cases where I've terminated relationships, that did not help.

It's not everyone either. I have good relationships too. But this seems to happen a lot.

LM wrote:

Minding My Business wrote:

The whole point of my posts was that I DO live and let live. I have no problem with people living their lives however they want. I never tell others how to live their life. I sometimes offer advice if it seems warranted, but I don't force it or repeatedly do this. With the people I am talking about, the relationship became toxic and had to be ended because they essentially never stopped criticizing me, lecturing me, giving unsolicited advice, and telling me how my life choices were wrong. And I DO communicate to them that I didn't ask their opinion or tell them that I have different priorities and/or values than them, but in the cases where I've terminated relationships, that did not help.

It's not everyone either. I have good relationships too. But this seems to happen a lot.

Yea see this is where it's hard to imagine you're not a troll. People just don't do this. It might be one person here or there, but even that is fairly rare and almost never so frequently as to resemble anything toxic.

Only thing I can think of is that you take many things that aren't actual criticisms as criticism.

comedyrelief wrote:

You are way too concerned with what other people think and are an egomaniac. People don't want to be around people who perceive themselves to be flawless. The problem with being that way is you see the flaws in others but never yourself. That is why you cannot maintain a healthy relationship. At 29 you are reaching the male biological clock. At this age most of your friends are getting married and starting meaningful lives with others. You feel left out because you are not (or to be more exact, you feel they are abandoning you rather than the truth, which is they are starting a life partnership with another). Just because someone views life differently than you doesn't mean you can't still be civil with them. You sound sad. Take a look at what you can do that would make you happier / more fulfilled. I have a brother that behaves like you do. He is intelligent (phd and dual masters), but never really learned how to relate to others (long line of jobs because he couldn't keep his ego in check and had a hard time respecting the ideas of others). Take a deeper look at yourself before blaming others.

Minding My Business wrote:

This has been a recurring problem that has ruined many of my close relationships, and I don't really understand why it happens or why it keeps happening. After getting to know me some, people start being highly critical of my life, my life choices, and start harassing me about the way I SHOULD be living my life. They keep telling me how to live my life until I get so fed up with it that our relationship ends and we don't speak any more. This has happened with friends, coworkers, girlfriends, and family.

As far as I can tell, it's mostly jealousy and people not understanding that not everyone wants exactly the same things they do, but that doesn't really help things at all. I don't tell anyone else how to live their life. Nothing about my lifestyle causes harm to other people. I have a good job and am far more financially secure than most people my age (internet puts me at about the 89th percentile). I travel some. I have a fuel-efficient car. I run and lift weights and hike and do other things outside. I don't do drugs, barely drink, don't smoke. I help my friends when they need help (moving, need a ride, just want to talk, etc). Nothing about my life seems controversial to me, yet people always end up barraging me with tons of unsolicited advice and even criticism out of nowhere. One coworker made it a game in her mind to see how much she could screw up my work and cause trouble for me until it got so bad she basically had to be threatened with her job. I had to completely stop talking with another coworker because even making occasional small talk by truthfully answering "how was your weekend?" with what I actually did that weekend was always met with a long-winded rant about how everything I did that weekend was wrong and how I should have done all these other things. I have had to completely cut my mother out of my life because every time I talked to her all she ever told me was how wrong everything about my life was (job, personal relationships, love life, traveling, music preferences, etc). Had to dump my girlfriend a few years ago because she got very angry when I got a job that paid twice as much as the one I had prior and her behavior became very toxic. Ended a relationship with a former best friend because every time we talked he would criticize my job and my current life, tell me I was wasting my life, and tell me how I should have gotten a PhD like him even though I make more than he does and have more responsibility with my current job than he does with his. The list goes on and on.

Why does this keep happening?

comedyrelief wrote:

You are way too concerned with what other people think and are an egomaniac. People don't want to be around people who perceive themselves to be flawless. The problem with being that way is you see the flaws in others but never yourself. That is why you cannot maintain a healthy relationship. At 29 you are reaching the male biological clock. At this age most of your friends are getting married and starting meaningful lives with others. You feel left out because you are not (or to be more exact, you feel they are abandoning you rather than the truth, which is they are starting a life partnership with another). Just because someone views life differently than you doesn't mean you can't still be civil with them. You sound sad. Take a look at what you can do that would make you happier / more fulfilled. I have a brother that behaves like you do. He is intelligent (phd and dual masters), but never really learned how to relate to others (long line of jobs because he couldn't keep his ego in check and had a hard time respecting the ideas of others). Take a deeper look at yourself before blaming others.

LM wrote:

Minding My Business wrote:

The whole point of my posts was that I DO live and let live. I have no problem with people living their lives however they want. I never tell others how to live their life. I sometimes offer advice if it seems warranted, but I don't force it or repeatedly do this. With the people I am talking about, the relationship became toxic and had to be ended because they essentially never stopped criticizing me, lecturing me, giving unsolicited advice, and telling me how my life choices were wrong. And I DO communicate to them that I didn't ask their opinion or tell them that I have different priorities and/or values than them, but in the cases where I've terminated relationships, that did not help.

It's not everyone either. I have good relationships too. But this seems to happen a lot.

Yea see this is where it's hard to imagine you're not a troll. People just don't do this. It might be one person here or there, but even that is fairly rare and almost never so frequently as to resemble anything toxic.

Only thing I can think of is that you take many things that aren't actual criticisms as criticism.

Letsbang wrote:

If everyone seems mean and out to get you you gotta look at yourself bud. Growing up I was kind of antisocial but I was interpreted as being an a$$hole. I've spent a lot of time working on being friendly, smiling at people, and engaging in casual conversation. Huge transition from HS--->College--->Post college. Haters still hate but are few and far between, in general whether people truly mean it or not they are nice to me at face value.

Based on your post you seem somewhat obsessed with the fact that you make more money than 89% of your peers. My guess is that this sense of holier than thou trickles down into the way you interact with others. The subject of money and how much you make should never come up unless you are directly asked for a specific reason. The only time in the past year I've given details to a friend in regards to my income was because he was interested in moving into my career field. If everyone's an a$$hole, more than likely that you are really the a$$hole.