Moving in With Significant Other

The fact that you've posed this question on the internet makes you seem at least somewhat ambivalent about the situation.

Ask yourself why you want to move in together. If you don't have a good answer, or if you're not passionate about the idea in the first place, then don't do it.

Story of My Life wrote:

Thinking of moving in with my significant other, and was wondering what others' experiences are here on the boards. We will have been together for only about 4 months by the time we would move in together, which I imagine is a bit on the fast side of things. Anyone have experience with moving in together so soon in a relationship? And any practical tips on things to settle before moving in (obviously we will talk finances, house work, etc.)? For added context, I am 27 and she is 23.

Serious and non-serious responses welcome.

I'm almost 3 years into my relationship and I've lived with my significant other for 1.5 of those years. We are both leos. Let me tell you how this will go:

1. You both will go through the bumpy road of being absolutely annoyed with each others habits. It takes some getting use to. Compromise is key and being able to accept things you don't like with help with the longevity of your relationship

2. Your stuff is now hers, the living space is now hers. Like getting married your girlfriend will start nesting. You will realize after a while that she is making the household decisions. This is common. You will insert your dominance. If she is an Alpha you are going to headbutt.

3. She will expect you to equally spend on household items. Toiletrys, Kitchenwares/Groceries, Furniture, etc. The whole nine yards.

4. You will invade each others space. I hope you love her and can accept that you no longer can run home and hide from her after a fight.

5. Porn is a no go. She is a hawk, watching your every move. Start plotting her work schedule and get in ample sessions.

All in all it's a first look at marriage. I suggest it because you will find out half a year in if this girl is sustainable long term. My girlfriend and I share similar tendencies so for me its about compromising, accepting that I cannot control the relationship 100% and making sure I don't let my bad habits invade our living space.

Best of luck!

Wait at least a year of dating before moving in with someone. It is not something to take lightly. You will get to know someone real quick, perhaps know them more than every wanted to.

It's the quickest way to figure out if you guys are compatible or not. However, it can get awful fast and go on for far too long if the shit hits the fan.

I moved in with my gf when I was 27 and she was 23. It was the right choice for us even though the relationship ended several years later.

Do what your gut is telling you and don't lie to yourself. If you know the chick is crazy don't tell yourself it's going to get better.

As someone else said, all your little habits and everything else are put under a microscope and it can be hilarious just how much you can bug each other over the smallest things.

Before my ex and I broke up I couldn't stand the way she chewed her food of all things. The noise would drive me crazy and it would be a ton of tension if she sat on the sofa next to me with something crunchy to eat. Haha. I've never given two craps about how anyone else sounds when they eat.

So true. Case in point:

"A study by associate professor Arielle Kuperberg from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro found that there is no correlation between cohabiting before marriage and divorce; instead, what may predict divorce in those who cohabitate before marriage is the age at which they choose do so.

Kuperberg explained that couples who shack up before marriage tend to be younger, and because marrying at a young age increases the likelihood of divorce, it appeared in previous research that cohabitation did as well. But Kuperberg says that’s not the case; once you control for the age variable, the correlation between divorce and cohabitation disappears. "

Data Man wrote:

thejeff wrote:

1. You know nothing about how the study was conducted. (Neither do I.)

2. Please, feel free to offer your counter-data.

1. Pretty sure that the couples who chose to live together prior to marriage were NOT randomly selected. Since they were OBVIOUSLY self-selected any conclusions drawn comparing the marriage outcomes of the two groups are automatically meaningless.

So, sorry, but yes I do know enough about the study to know that the conclusions have no bearing. Sorry if your limited intellectual resources do not allow you to see something so obvious.

2. Feel free to try to say something that is not so obviously meaningless.

1. How do you know that?

2. Nice non-answer. About what I expected.

Feel free to post your opinions, but presenting those opinions as fact is intellectually dishonest.

nice try, thejeff wrote:

http://time.com/20386/how-shacking-up-before-marriage-affects-a-relationships-success/

Yeah, the study you cite completely ignores the age of the survey responders. Hard to believe a study that misses such a key variable.

Relevant to the OP, the study concludes there exists a higher chance of divorce for those who move in together before age 23. My opinion though...if you've only been together for a few months, that's way too early. Why not suggest she stay at your place while she searches for her next apartment or house? That will give you a preview of what living together will be like, if it lasts a few weeks.

Interesting article; thanks for posting. Data Man could learn something from you.

A couple of thoughts: 1. Cohabiting couples are still more likely to divorce (which was my original point), regardless of age, according to the study. They are just MORE likely to divorce if they move in together before age 23.

2. The biggest predictor was an unwanted pregnancy, not age.

3. The article's bias, while not relevant to the study itself, still matters to the presentation of the data. I love the line "sharing a front door" lol. Yeah, THAT is what they want to share :-)

Bogut wrote:

thejeff wrote:

Do you have any data to support your position? I do.

"On average, researchers concluded that couples who lived together before they tied the knot saw a 33 percent higher rate of divorce than those who waited to live together until after they were married. Part of the problem was that cohabitors, studies suggested, “slid into” marriage without much consideration.Mar 20, 2014"

Where did the OP say anything about wanting to get married? Why are you assuming there has to be an end goal for living together.

Maybe they just want to live together for a while and that's it. When it's over it's over and they negotiate the breakup just any couple, including those that divorce.

This idea that all relationships must lead to a lifetime commitment creates unrealistic expectations and stress on any relationship.

Fair question, but one I essentially asked in my second question.

If the end goal of this relationship is lower cost of living (splitting bills), sex, or other non-marital goals, then the OP would not be concerned with divorce statistics.

However, if they OP was not at least SOMEWHAT concerned with a long term relationship, he probably wouldn't care enough to start the conversation.

Maybe try waiting and see if the relationship is really going places. And then if it is, maybe marry her.

Prior investment separate, future investment separate, contribute to a current overhead fund (checking account) equal to your current overheads- cover joint overhead off that. Or set at 50/50 if you want. You might want to create an additional drawing account together to cover unforeseen expenses in overhead. Continue social live style expenses as you currently do.

Re-evaluate at 6 months. If you are starting a new lease use this for the first lease period- I suggest you take no longer than a year first out of the gate.

This will give you an idea what you can save by living together and direct the reevaluation.

No. Wrong again, Jeff. Sorry if you are having a difficult time understanding simple concepts.

Here, let me give you an example that perhaps even your mind can wrap itself around.

////////////////////////////////

I provide one day boot camps for helping kids master mathematics. Of course there are doubters (aren't there always - sigh). They wonder how I could possibly make any difference in kids' mastery of the subject with just a one-day course. And even if it did make some miniscule difference for a day or two such effects could not possibly be lasting and therefore of no real value. So I offer to prove it to them.

100 kids are selected AT RANDOM from kids enterring a local high school to participate in a study. Naturally we don't want them to know that they are in a study (too much pressure and all that) so we just tell them that they will be able to participate in the enhanced learning opportunity of their choice. Half the kids elect to participate in my 1-day math boot camp. We'll call these the Cool Kids. The other half choose to participate in an alternate English composition class. We'll call them Jeff's Kids (no particular reason - names of groups here are simply chosen at random).

Each group takes their one-day course and then off they go. THREE YEARS LATER, these same kids take their college SATs. And what do you know - the Cool Kids outperform Jeff's Kids by OVER 150 POINTS on average on the math section of the SATs! Holy smokes, not only does this convincingly prove the DRAMATIC impact of my one-day math course but the effects are indeed long term!

Case closed - OBVIOUSLY my one-day course had an astounding impact. Unless you can show me some flaw in this argument. I really don't think there is any flaw, so good luck trying to find one.

thejeff wrote:

Are you going to marry this girl?

If so, why wait?

If not, why move in together?

Benefits of marriage are that you get taxed at a slightly lower rate and also if one person's job provides health insurance but the other's doesn't then the spouse can get health insurance.

Potential drawbacks are if one person is still going to school then having a spouse making big bucks will hurt their financial aid package.

Google: Rosenthal Effect. Psychological effects of such a study are well documented.

Anything else?

That is probably the most hilarious response I could have imagined you giving. No, make that more hilarious than anything i could have imagined.

And it is certainly a very clear pronouncement that this is all WAY above your head (even though I tried to simplify things for you).

Well, you are remarkably intellectually challenged. That's OK, many people enjoy life greatly with no more intelligence than you have. Enjoy it for all it's worth.

Anyway, when you get a chance to rethink that last post give it a shot. Who knows, maybe you are capable of understanding simple concepts.

I'll be praying for you.

Data Man wrote:

thejeff wrote:

Google: Rosenthal Effect. Psychological effects of such a study are well documented.

Anything else?

That is probably the most hilarious response I could have imagined you giving. No, make that more hilarious than anything i could have imagined.

And it is certainly a very clear pronouncement that this is all WAY above your head (even though I tried to simplify things for you).

Well, you are remarkably intellectually challenged. That's OK, many people enjoy life greatly with no more intelligence than you have. Enjoy it for all it's worth.

Anyway, when you get a chance to rethink that last post give it a shot. Who knows, maybe you are capable of understanding simple concepts.

I'll be praying for you.

Why don't you explain it to me?

And thanks for the prayers.

thejeff wrote:

Data Man wrote:

That is probably the most hilarious response I could have imagined you giving. No, make that more hilarious than anything i could have imagined.

And it is certainly a very clear pronouncement that this is all WAY above your head (even though I tried to simplify things for you).

Well, you are remarkably intellectually challenged. That's OK, many people enjoy life greatly with no more intelligence than you have. Enjoy it for all it's worth.

Anyway, when you get a chance to rethink that last post give it a shot. Who knows, maybe you are capable of understanding simple concepts.

I'll be praying for you.

Why don't you explain it to me?

And thanks for the prayers.

Well, in my math course I always try to get the students to learn as much as possible by discovery - with the minimum amount of guidance necessary for them to succeed. This way they tend to remember things much better than if it is just spoon-fed to them.

So, here is a little bit of guidance. I really think this should be enough to get you started. But if not let me know.

Note that the Cool Kids self-selected into my class while Jeff's Kids self-selected into the English composition class. Anything you would expect based on that?

See if you can take it from here.

Simmer down, children.

vivalrepublica wrote:

Simmer down, children.

F U

bsmithers wrote:

It's too soon if you ask me, but to answer your question you should have a clear understanding of how you are going to handle the finances (split everything, 50-50 or based on income, etc, etc), how much free time you get (can you go out with your friends...on Friday), what type of hours you keep, how often you eat out, go on dates, house cleaning, laundry, dishes, even how often you have sex.

It's best to get all those things on the table.

That lease better be short, too. Keep your stuff sorted.

If it doesn't work, say your goodbyes and move on.