You spread your seed. You did the marriage thing. Now escape and get some freedom. Bang hookers, date, have a threesome, enjoy life
Ready to renew.... wrote:
Experienced responses only please.... Been in a symbiotic marriage for nearly 25 years and just going through the motions now..... tired of no common interests and not sharing feelings, dreams, acceptance of what I'm able and willing to give, being emasculated and called helpless/worthless etc.... being emotionally abused etc... Kids are grown up and have recognized forever that we were together for them and that part is great but I'm sad that I couldn't demonstrate what unconditional love looks like when given and received. That being said, we both recognize what it is and I'm ready to discover someone that happens to be available and ready to give and receive unconditional love for the next 25-30 final years of my life. Need to take proper steps first to end current marriage. Have read up on our state's divorce laws (no fault) and we are in agreement on many if not all conditions going in without lawyers. My question is....is anyone experienced and come out the other side to the good? I only read about the negatives of course.
Separated 7 1/2 years ago, divorced 5 years ago, remarried 2 years ago. I have a wonderful wife, two pretty cool stepkids and have an amazing relationship with my two boys. The first couple of years were tough but right now I am as happy as I've ever been in my life.
I'm not divorced. But I do know LOTS of folks who are. Almost all of them seem much happier than they were in a loveless marriage.
Go for it. Don't waste another year of life.
Hi Ready to renew,
I ended a 20 year marriage and am so glad I did. I'd wanted out for a while and finally talked to an attorney, read up on state legal process (also from a no fault state) and a year has passed since divorce was finalized and I'm so much happier.
I'm free to explore, date, find out what's possible for myself.
The down side has mainly been a change in two incomes and lifestyle change, but being alone is great. I can do what I want, when I want. The emotional abuse is no longer present and I am stronger now.
I have 20 -30 years to travel, do things I felt I couldn't do. My spouse was very controlling and a big drinker. She jumped to the first person she could find after I left and it's been amusing to watch from a distance. Me, I'm taking my time, being selective about who I spend my time with, date, etc.
Highly recommend you go for it. Talk to a counselor who specializes and has been through a divorce themselves. Also, I went to a divorce support group while we were separating and it helped to talk to others and hear their stories.
You're not alone in this. Big transitions like children graduating and big birthdays can motivate us to be aware of the time we do have left to live life to the fullest.
YES. After divorcing from my wife of 10 years, things got better in many, many ways. Meeting beautiful, interesting mature women when you are 35 is much easier than when you are in your early 20s, when you don't really know yourself yet and neither do the young women you meet. So, that was my advantage. If you are a little older I don't see why that can't happen.
I even had a kid with my wife, and while that presented some challenges, life took a big step forward toward much happiness.
Got out of a terrible marriage. Abuse? Every kind imaginable. Sucked. When I filed for divorce I became a single dad of two little kids and like another poster mentioned, I watched my former wife hop on any rebounds she could. The first couple years really sucked, and I wondered if I made a mistake. Now seeing some of the craziness from the other side made me realize early this year that I dodged a bullet. Dating a real nice girl now, and I have a stellar relationship with my kids. I wouldn't have otherwise had that if we would have stayed together, it forced me to grow up and be a better dad. I would encourage you to try to salvage it and exhaust all options before abandoning ship. Counseling (try several different counselors out on recommendations from people who have been in your boat and came out ok). I hear the Catholic church has a real great program to revitalize marriage. If you don't give it your all, it will haunt you. It probably haunts a lot of men who made the right call. Divorce sucks at first, but if you do it for the right reasons it comes around to be a blessing later.
I don't know how miserable you were in your marriage, but I got married very young and divorced after 7 years. The marriage was miserable and my life was miserable because of it. There were many hard things about divorce, but I was almost instantly more happy. And that happiness got better and better. She was a depressed miserable person who gained at least 100 pounds after we married. It was her specifically that was making me unhappy and my life hellish. As soon as I moved out all I felt was relief to be away from her. That never went away. My life was a lot better without her in it.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one go round. If the person you are with is making you miserable - get out. Don't waste your life with the person who makes you unhappy. Choose happiness.
All of these responses sound like they could have been written by my ex wife. She dumped me for greener pastures. That was 23 years ago. My kids are grown and they adjusted nicely to it. If I werent such a nice guy I'd thank her for how the last 23 years have turned out. Wow am I glad she divorced me.
Do it, do it now!
Dump that b|tch.
I agree with the others. Married for 14 years, emotionally and verbally abused for at least 10 of those. I got out three years ago, and even though the first year was shaky with money, I've never been happier than I am right now. The kids have adjusted and they are only two miles from me. Happiness > being stuck in a loveless marriage.
I'm divorced after a long marriage too. Separated when the kids were in high school and divorced as they finished. The marriage was painfully limping along. Fortunately she was the first to fledge from the nest. It was a painful process. But we are both much happier.
The funny thing is how good we get along now. Much like old friends or siblings. Absolutely no romantic feelings but it drives our current SO's crazy.
It's good to see all of these positive responses of people making it through divorce.
I always wonder how long I'll make it through my marriage and if circumstances down the road could end it.
However, these posts actually give me more resolve to stay in a productive marriage and for my adult children (in the future) to have one house to visit to see their parents.
Good luck to all
She put me on the street after two years...think Oscar Madison of odd couple.
Now, I am free to pursue my own life...date etc...have fun train my as$ off.
She remarried had kid (which I don't have to support..).
Meanwhile, I train and lick kitties often...and enjoy my life immensely.
Nearing 40 and 3 years after moving out. The divorce was unpleasant because of course an emotionally abusive woman wanted to take revenge and prevented me from having the kids. (Equal custody is the rule here, which is what I wanted with two little kiddos.)
The process can be unpleasant if one or both parties want to fight. And it can get expensive the more the lawyers are involved.
But.. life is good. Now if I want to go for a 10-mile long run or bring the kids to a race, I can. I've dropped 2 minutes from my 10K time and I'm just enjoying life. The first day I came back to my own place, it was just deliciously wonderful.
And yes, when I was ready, dating was great. I was a bit worried about meeting people as a divorced dad. Took a few awkward dates and then.. well I had fun.
Now, 3 years on, I'm seeing someone wonderful - we have so much in common. (And she also got through a tough divorce, so we relate.)
Bonus.. she loves running and is really fit. ;-)
Go for it. I hesitated to go for a divorce too. But if you have to ask, you know the answer.
Five years ago I extracted myself from an unfulfilling 16-year marriage, and I have never been happier.
My ex-wife was 24 when we married (I was 30), and she never quite outgrew her need to "enjoy" life like a college student. I have nothing against anyone partying and drinking and spending time with friends, but the fact that she made those things her top priority over her marriage and children did not foster a loving relationship. Eventually she started attending social engagements on her own because I could not stand to be around her when she was drunk. We rarely fought, but it was clear we were not on the same path and we chose to go our separate ways. The divorce was amicable and my two kids didn't suffer any ill effects related to the divorce.
Now, the fact that the divorce process was easy and I'm now happier than ever in no way suggests there weren't certain pain points. Despite our 50/50 custody agreement, I am practically a single father. She carries her share of the financial load and swoops in twice a year to take my kids on mammoth vacations that I can't afford, but I am the only "real" parent. I am at every practice, game and school function. I follow their grades and ensure they are succeeding educationally. For lack of a better phrase, I am "there" for them and she is not. I love being a father above all else, but it can be difficult when I still have to deal with her immense shortcomings as a mother.
Additionally, I did have to start over financially. Without going into more boring detail, not pursuing a settlement that would also benefit me was my way of ensuring the least amount of disruption possible to my kids' lives.
So, there are sizeable details you'll have to work through, but the near-complete freedom you'll have to pursue a more fulfilling life is well worth it. If you are already unhappy, I would avoid the advice of others to exhaust all means of saving the marriage. It's over; accept it and move on as quickly as possible. Good luck.
Thank you everyone (think I'll pass on the hooker though). Been coming to this site for years and regardless of some of the outlandish topics and responses it's been entertaining, educational etc... but I have come to appreciate some of the sincerity in certain situations. I'm willing to make one last ditch effort before cashing it in and she is too but that could only be a matter of short time before she settles again. I'm encouraged by your responses and am happy to hear there is hope even if there could be some expected, tough adjustments but I'm ready for that. My wife is really smart, good looking (10-15 years younger than her age) has been a great mother to our kids is in great physical condition etc... but when it comes to me, she went cold years ago and had no interest or energy for us. Not completely her fault of course but I was a great provider, father, responsible in every way but can't seem to make her happy or willing to share. She's not the type to have an affair and brings work home all the time so it's not like I don't know where she is or what she's up to. I'm getting involved in other social circles now to get to know other people, see new places etc... and have tried hard to get her engaged to no avail. Everytime I come home there's another damned cat in the house!!! So, I'm somewhere between cat and dog in our relationship and the dog is darned cute. So, between bike club, Olympic Trials and national parks this summer, I'll keep plenty busy while she chooses to sit alone in our nice house with a great view. It's strange to me that she's ok with this arrangement and agreeable to everything I've said about my/our needs but I can't tell if she's just playing wait and see or if she just doesn't give a crap either way. I'm just tired of sleeping alone, and not having a partner in life. Thanks again.
"No good marriage ever ended in divorce" - Louis CK
I think it's always important to look at yourself first and foremost. What part of this poor relationship do you own? What does your wife need from you which you are not providing? Are those things reasonable? Is this something you need to improve?
If you are a big part of the problem, then just moving on to another relationship will just kick the issue down the road. Sure there might be women for whom you are a perfect match and your issues don't matter, but really consider how much of your behaviors and attitudes are part of the problem.
I'm completely speculating here, but you mention bike clubs, olympic trials, and national parks. Is your wife the sporting type. Are any of these things of interest to her? It's not important, IMO, to her perfectly aligned interests, but if none of these things interest your wife, then maybe the trials and national parks is too much. Maybe you spend too much time on your bike. Maybe you are not doing enough of what she wants to do.
Of course, your wife could just be difficult and not change on your part will help. You are oil and she is water. Once you are 100% certain of this, the divorce is the best solution.
Even if you are part of the problem does not mean you are a bad guy, but a lot of us get complacent and fall back into selfish ways - thinking of ourselves and our needs. Then the wedge happens, and once it happens it gets harder and harder to repair the wider it gets.
I, too, was in a happy marriage for 12 years until we slowly started having issues. Just last year, after, 16 years, I was seriously thinking of pulling the plug. Then I did exactly what I recommend you do. I looked at myself and identified how I was not being a good husband. I let my wife know what I was going to work on without asking anything of her. It has made all the difference in the world, and, no, I was not a raging jerkaholic. I had just slowly stopped being less loving and less interested in her desires.
So I stopped complaining (so much). I stopped blaming her for things (even when it was her fault). I tried to never say anything negative about her (while still trying to not let her take advantage of me). I praised her for everything good she did. If she got angry at me, I'd gently tell her to be nice.
It took about 2 months for things to get better, but now less than a year later, our marriage is better than ever.
I'll agree, though, this is not always possible.