I agree with you 100%. I must have not communicated myself well. I am also advocating for the clear expression of feelings.
My point was that UNLESS the female (or male) is explicitly taking advantage of the other, it is not "friend zoning." The blogger made it sound like a normal rejection or lack of romantic desire was considered "friend zoning," which is crazy. No one owes anyone anything, but it is wrong to knowingly lead someone on, regardless of gender.
Such a good mature thread.
Well done lets run
Well done
You will fail.
I bet you think that you are a "nice guy" too and that you are entitled to go out with her because of this. Congrats! If you are indeed a nice guy, you have done the bare minimum of what is expected of you. This is to be commended.
However, my bet is that you have no redeeming qualities and no self esteem. When she rejects you, you will somehow rationalize that it is her fault that she cannot appreciate how much of a "nice guy" you are, instead of realizing that you are the problem. Way to protect your shallow ego!
FightFor15 wrote:
Deer Letsrun wrote:http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2013/01/a-primer-on-friend-zone.htmlThread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?
As shocking as it is, the nerdy feminist got it all wrong. I'm not sure why they think the guy somehow thinks he is entitled to sex/relationship. The middle ground between rejection and relationship is what guys are complaining about. The reality is that the guy deserves an explicit rejection at minimum.
It's still partially on the guy for sticking around and wasting time.
dsgdfgbgfd wrote:
As shocking as it is, the nerdy feminist got it all wrong. I'm not sure why they think the guy somehow thinks he is entitled to sex/relationship. The middle ground between rejection and relationship is what guys are complaining about. The reality is that the guy deserves an explicit rejection at minimum.
It's still partially on the guy for sticking around and wasting time.
I'm glad a few others on this thread see it, too. She has it all wrong. That said, the definitions she references need to be improved a bit, no? Can one of you guys get on that? Jamin?
6 years is too long. ditch her and get a new friend.
this ends real bad.
#trainwreck
Mr. Doritos wrote:
I bet you think that you are a "nice guy" too and that you are entitled to go out with her because of this. Congrats! If you are indeed a nice guy, you have done the bare minimum of what is expected of you. This is to be commended.
this advice reminds me of this:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person
...society has trained us not to be this honest with people -- but the equation is the same. "Nice guy? Who gives a shit? If you want to work here, close."
vivalarepublica wrote:
Gosh you people either overcomplicate things or are clueless.
First off, congrats for deciding to take action. The next step is to take action. Inaction itself is a form of action, and that's what you have been doing for years.
The direct approach may backfire because she will offput by your sudden, unexpected expression of feelings. It will give her a chance to react and think, rather than follow her feelings, which is what women mostly do. However, my recommendation is the direct approach of just laying a kiss on her. She probably will recoil, and you need to respect that recoil. But she go home knowing exactly how you feel, probably a little confused herself, and Perhaps awaken similar feelings within herself.
Now your behavior. Regardless of what happens, you'll be thrilled with yourself because you finally had the balls to express your feelings. Congrats. You need to create the image that you are fine with whatever happens and respect her decision. You are happy with or without her in your life. Even if you don't believe it, you can be. That will make you even more attractive.
Next, she probably does not view you in a romantic light because you are a safe, non-threatening friend, and she would have expressed interest over this six year period. Trust me, it's very obvious when women are interested in men if you observe their body language and communication. You can't see it because you are blinded by your attraction. How many other guys has she dated in this time span?
I agree with the above also. I did not put in my post but do not tell her, just do it. Act....don't talk.
jeezus dude wrote:
Ignore the advice about taking her some place "safe" like a rive side trail.
It's the woman that has to judge what is safe and riverside trails are places that bodies are found. Don't do that.
I was thinking of Seattle, lots of nice public urban lakes and river trails, but you're right, those same places more remote wouldn't be good.
I was in the friendzone with a 9.9 in my late 20's, for 6 months, she had just broken up with a guy. I stayed friends with her, going places, doing things, then when I noticed she started to smile at me more, and tease me...just before a movie started we sat down and I too the risk...I offered her my hand....and she took it... Great romance, until she transferred to a diff college.
But take the risk in a low risk way, easy on the ego, easy on her.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Good Luck, OP.
In response to those who say men/women or any two people who might potentially have a sexual attraction can't be friends; that's nonsense. In response to the person who stated that if you're married your spouse won't be o.k. with going out for drink/hanging out. Also nonsense.
I've worked with folks in a high pressure chaotic environment where things get emotional and we can get close quickly. Many of those friendships endured for years, around my romantic/sexual relationships and for the years of my marriage. Ditto the guys in my running club.
Some folks seem to have very narrow lives.
Deer Letsrun wrote:
Agree with simplify wrote:Yeah, this. Worst that can happen is you lose a friend but it sounds like you were never in it just for the friendship anyway.
That's actually the worst part of this situation. I really do value the friendship, which is actually the main reason that it has gone on for over six years.
You can't be friends with someone you are in love with
Give it a go and if it does not work get out before you waste the rest of your life.
A love that is unrequited does not exist at all
Failing to act on your feelings or desires for 6 years is not alpha behavior. By all rights she shouldn't find you attractive, and if she has found you attractive these past 6 years you might have difficulty picking up on nonverbal social cues. I guess if she has no other options the situation could be different.
Take this as a learning experience and make a deliberate choice to pursue something more than a friendship immediately next time.
Go live your f***ing life and don't dwell on anyone, there are millions of girls out there. Now... a bunch of people have probably told you this same thing... This time is different. Read it again. Digest it. And Explore.
I really appreciate all the advice and lack of trolling. Going for it today after school. Will post results.
Deer Letsrun wrote:
I really appreciate all the advice and lack of trolling. Going for it today after school. Will post results.
School? WTF?
School?
WTF?
The crush started in grade 6 didn't it?
jayceeb wrote:
In response to those who say men/women or any two people who might potentially have a sexual attraction can't be friends; that's nonsense. In response to the person who stated that if you're married your spouse won't be o.k. with going out for drink/hanging out. Also nonsense.
I've worked with folks in a high pressure chaotic environment where things get emotional and we can get close quickly. Many of those friendships endured for years, around my romantic/sexual relationships and for the years of my marriage. Ditto the guys in my running club.
Some folks seem to have very narrow lives.
So let me get this straight... You are married, yet you call up women - with whom you've shared chaotic experiences where things get emotional, no less - and you go out for drinks with her? Alone? That, good man, is not the norm, but good for you.
I'm a married man and I have my share of female friends, but I typically interact with them in group settings. I wouldn't call them up and go out with them sans the wife (or at least other folks). I don't consider myself to have a narrow life.
You are obviously proof that it can happen, but I would agree with others that the OPs chances of continuing a close friendship with this woman (once she finds a boyfriend) are very, very slim.
Also, what do you do for work? It sounds interesting. I'm guessing not a lot of trolling LRC :)
Ur a Unicorn wrote:
I'm a married man and I have my share of female friends, but I typically interact with them in group settings. I wouldn't call them up and go out with them sans the wife (or at least other folks). I don't consider myself to have a narrow life.
I'm married, have numerous female colleagues who I'm close to, and my wife has numerous male colleagues she's close to. I don't go out for drinks one on one with my female colleagues, but I don't think my wife would have a problem if I did, nor would I if she went out for a drink with a male colleague. We both have a high degree of trust, and I think more importantly are not jealous people. We're both very sociable people and are aware of that too. Personality and the nature of the relationship does play into this, I think.
I'd like to add that the "friendzone" is the most misued phrase in the world. If you're her friend and she thinks you're nice but not attractive that isn't the friend zone, that just being unattractive. The friendzone if when you literally have it all in terms of what she's looking for (including looks, personality, charm, etc.) and you have made a move, but she has turned you down because she sees you only as a friend (even though she admits there's no rhyme or reason to it). It's as frustrating to a woman as it is to a man. If you a) haven't made a move or at least made her aware of your feelings b) aren't attractive or c) aren't someone she would date if not for her friendship with you, then you aren't in the friendzone. The friendzone is actually very rare.
How old are you, OP? Do you live with your parents?