NRR: Been stuck in the friendzone for 6+ years, breaking out of it this week.

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

What does "Breaking out of it this week" mean?

Does it mean?

1) I'm planning on breaking out of this.

or

2) I've already broken out of it.

Theoretically, it's been said by great philosophers that it's at least theoretically possible to go from the friendship ladder to relationship ladder but it's basically impossible to do and the fall when you fall is devastating as explained in the original website here:

Here is another site from 2014 that also explains it with better pictures in case you are visual learner:

Best of luck.

rojo wrote:

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

What does "Breaking out of it this week" mean?

Does it mean?

1) I'm planning on breaking out of this.

or

2) I've already broken out of it.

Option 1 - going to ask her on a date. Literally no idea what to expect for an answer, feel like it's a coin toss, but regardless, six years is far too long to not say anything.

Read through both of your links, interesting stuff, and for better or worse, I do see a lot of parallels with my situation.

rojo wrote:

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

What does "Breaking out of it this week" mean?

Does it mean?

1) I'm planning on breaking out of this.

or

2) I've already broken out of it.

Theoretically, it's been said by great philosophers that it's at least theoretically possible to go from the friendship ladder to relationship ladder but it's basically impossible to do and the fall when you fall is devastating as explained in the original website here:

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Here is another site from 2014 that also explains it with better pictures in case you are visual learner:

http://www.nairaland.com/1883027/relationship-ladder-theory

Best of luck.

Just when I think Rojo can't get any more ridiculous, he posts about the ladder theory. Do intelligent, confident people actually believe this stuff?

To the guy in the friendzone: ask the girl out on a date. If she says yes, great. If she says no, so what? If things get awkward after you ask her out, don't hang out with her anymore.

Why do people complicate things?

Yeah, this. Worst that can happen is you lose a friend but it sounds like you were never in it just for the friendship anyway.

Agree with simplify wrote:

Yeah, this. Worst that can happen is you lose a friend but it sounds like you were never in it just for the friendship anyway.

That's actually the worst part of this situation. I really do value the friendship, which is actually the main reason that it has gone on for over six years.

If the friendship is truly that strong, it can continue even if she turns you down for a date.

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Agree with simplify wrote:

Yeah, this. Worst that can happen is you lose a friend but it sounds like you were never in it just for the friendship anyway.

That's actually the worst part of this situation. I really do value the friendship, which is actually the main reason that it has gone on for over six years.

You have two options:

1. Pursue a romantic relationship.

2. Maintain the friendship.

If you go with option 1, the dynamics of your friendship will change. Odds are it will end because she doesn't think of you in romantic terms and will (understandably) get weirded out. If you go with option 2, you'd better suppress those romantic feelings right quick.

Contrary to what many think, it IS possible for men to be friends with women. However, if you're simply using the friendship to get in her pants, that's not fair to her. Then again, if you've spent six years pining after her with no indication of reciprocation, don't even bother asking her out. Stay friends and find someone else to date. The world is a big place.

Absolutely no way this is working out. If you were going in with the idea that she wants it as well then maybe but 6 years and you really have no idea what her reaction will be. No way.

There is no such thing as "friends" between men and women once either of you enters a real relationship. So you're going to lose the friendship once you find someone (or she finds someone). The only way you stay friends is if you are gay (or she thinks you are gay).

I know that some of you are going to disagree with this, but just think about it. You are married and you think your wife is going to be okay with you going out for coffee or a drink with this other woman? No. She finds love and you think her boyfriend is going to be cool with the two of you heading out for a fun dinner and a movie? No.

I am not one of these PUA or ladder theory guys. I am a husband and a father who know how it works. I actually lived with a woman for two years in my mid twenties. It was not romantic at all. She was a friend-of-a-friend who was moving to the same city and we both knew few people in the area so we decided to get a place and share rent. She became a pretty good friend. I had a serious girlfriend who lived elsewhere (good job, no ring, etc.), so the idea of getting romantic just wasn't an option. She was pretty, but I really preferred my girlfriend and I wasn't even sure my roommate would have liked me if I had tried. We did a lot of things together: meals beers, movies, etc. It was like being gay and having a female friend, I presume. It was very innocent. My girlfriend insisted she was fine with it, but I could sense the tension and my roommate would never hang around when my girlfriend would visit. It was super awkward and I always tried to include my roommate since I considered her a friend. Nope. Anyway, I married my girlfriend and even though we all ran in the same social circle for a while, my "friend" just kind of moved on. I can honestly say that it would have been really odd to call her up once I was married and try to rekindle our friendship, and I am being sincere when say that what we had was about as platonic as you can possibly script it.

I know it is anecdotal, but it was about as controlled as you can get in these circumstances.

I think you need to ask her out and see how it goes. You obviously like her and - if she's still a friend after six years - she obviously thinks you're a good guy, too. Give it a shot because you're not going to keep the friendship once one of you moves on. Best case scenario will be occasional double dates that will be weird because your romantic interests will not like that you guys are the ones with the connection.

Best of luck. I think she likes you.

Give It a Shot wrote:

There is no such thing as "friends" between men and women once either of you enters a real relationship. So you're going to lose the friendship once you find someone (or she finds someone). The only way you stay friends is if you are gay (or she thinks you are gay).

I know that some of you are going to disagree with this, but just think about it. You are married and you think your wife is going to be okay with you going out for coffee or a drink with this other woman? No. She finds love and you think her boyfriend is going to be cool with the two of you heading out for a fun dinner and a movie? No.

It all depends on how secure you and your significant other are with yourselves and your relationship. Sounds like you're worried your spouse is going to cheat on you.

This whole "boys can't be friends with girls" thing baffles me. If you don't want to bang a women do you just ignore her completely? What a weird world you live in where 50% of the population is off-limits for social interaction.

give me a break wrote:

It all depends on how secure you and your significant other are with yourselves and your relationship. Sounds like you're worried your spouse is going to cheat on you.

This whole "boys can't be friends with girls" thing baffles me. If you don't want to bang a women do you just ignore her completely? What a weird world you live in where 50% of the population is off-limits for social interaction.

I didn't say all social interaction. But this woman is a close friend of the OP, and that will fade once one of them enters a relationship. There is a difference between someone whom you hug and exchange pleasantries and a close friend. Unfortunately, this woman will probably morph into the former once either she or he enters a romantic relationship.

I have female friends, as do you apparently, so my leading sentence was a bit overzealous, but my point was that he shouldn't worry about risking the friendship if he wants to pursue it further.

But I am curious. Do you have female friends that you hang out with exclusively? Like, without other people? I am not saying it is wrong at all, I am just curious. I am presuming that you have a romantic relationship like a marriage or a serious girlfriend.

Its pretty easy to tell when a girl is into you in that way. My guess is if after 6 years she still hasn't shown any signs then she just doesn't feel that same. That said, just go for it man, the potential upside for out ways the down and if you don't have a shot with her its better to know now and move on.

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

Yes I have advice. First good for you for going for it! Now something good and interesting could happen or it could turn out very awkward.

But what ever happens, NEVER REGRET THAT YOU WENT FOR IT. Its the only way to know. Its much much worse, never to try and to miss an opportunity.

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Agree with simplify wrote:

Yeah, this. Worst that can happen is you lose a friend but it sounds like you were never in it just for the friendship anyway.

That's actually the worst part of this situation. I really do value the friendship, which is actually the main reason that it has gone on for over six years.

6 years is a long time in the friend zone.

I think you need a longer plan. First, go away for 3 weeks and have zero contact with her, tell her it's for work or whatever, just find a way.

Then, start dating some other women, even if it is just "duty dating," show her, or let her believe, that other women are interested in her.

Then start talking about these two other women you are dating, and point our what you like about them, make it a game, tell her you aren't sure which one to be serious about.

Get her involved with thinking about you dating, and with other women, get her into your life as your adviser, and then spend more and more time with her talking about other women...

And then some nice evening, get her to go for a walk or a hike with you to talk things over, someplace nice, and safe, like a lake, or a riverside trail, maybe on a weekend....and then...out of the blue as you are walking side by side, offer her your hand..... to hold hands. It is a much less expected and intense move than confessing your feelings, or going in for the kiss. --And to most women it is much sweeter, much safer a way to start, or much hotter.

This method works. And it is low risk for your ego. You don't have to say anything about your feelings, desires or attraction. If she takes your hand it becomes just a hand holding event...well then you know. Or...don't let go of that hand and after some time find the right moment to turn to her, look her in her eyes, (this is important) tell her how beautiful her eyes are...and then go in for the kiss.

Good luck.

I can't stand to read eight paragraphs in every damn post. You have to tell her your feelings have changed, and you've become really attracted to her. She will reciprocate, or the relationship will probably be over. If she's not into you, she won't want to hang out all the time knowing you want to bone her. If you say nothing, you sor d the next six years hanging out with somebody you want to bone but can't. Give it a shot and feel good about the results either way.

Wow. This is awesome. Tons of great advice, and very little trolling. Thank you letsrun, you always find a way to surprise me. I think I'm just going to go with the direct approach, for better or worse. Will post results afterwards.

When you do , dress way up. Look different than you normally do, the new optics will trigger her, that something is now different. Be direct and confident.

Body language is important.

stop wasting time wrote:

honestly, pull your dick out. I know it sounds extreme but trust me. If she is interested then you are in. If she is not then never speak to her again. You can find someone that will be interested in you

This^ dude, if it does not work out, leave it be. You will torture yourself if you keep the friendship, it will only kill you because once you develop feelings for someone it doesn't go away in a snap of fingers. Goodluck, it's never tough being in this position, but there is light at the end of tunnel out of any result in this circumstance. Again, good luck,I can tell you from experience it never works, but there is a plethora of women in this world, and when you meet someone new you will look back at that girl and wonder why you liked her when this new lady is so much better. There is always someone out there that is better, good luck.

Ignore the advice about taking her some place "safe" like a rive side trail.

It's the woman that has to judge what is safe and riverside trails are places that bodies are found. Don't do that.