NRR: Been stuck in the friendzone for 6+ years, breaking out of it this week.

Dress different wrote:

When you do , dress way up. Look different than you normally do, the new optics will trigger her, that something is now different. Be direct and confident.

Body language is important.

This is true. Once upon a time a girl who had previously rejected me suddenly came into a room where I had fun with a group of other people. She rediscovered my normal self instead of that desperate and awkward kid I had turned into when I talked to her alone. The day after she started hunting me down wherever I was. And it all ended happily...

It's not gonna happen brah. There is a reason you're in the friendzone since 6 years.

There's one SLIGHT chance though. Dedicate the next 18 months to getting BUFF.

Women these days want big guys, you know, Hercules/Greek god kinda built - broad shoulders, massive chest, wide back, thick legs, popping biceps, great package. You name it.

You've gotta train 4-5 days a week, weights only, stop SLOGGING (slow jogging) completely, up your protein and good fat (saturated, n3, monounsaturated) intake, reduce carbs while eating a calorie surplus.

This sounds easier than it is. But you can do it.

Before you gained 30-40 lbs of SOLID MUSCLE MASS, it's just a waste of time to ask her out.

Once you're there, you don't have to ask her anymore, because you can upgrade to a hawter chick.

6 years is too long, find somebody else.

I'm over 35 so I am very wise.

Give It a Shot wrote:

We did a lot of things together: meals beers, movies, etc. It was like being gay and having a female friend, I presume. It was very innocent. My girlfriend insisted she was fine with it, but I could sense the tension and my roommate would never hang around when my girlfriend would visit. It was super awkward and I always tried to include my roommate since I considered her a friend. Nope. Anyway, I married my girlfriend and even though we all ran in the same social circle for a while, my "friend" just kind of moved on. I can honestly say that it would have been really odd to call her up once I was married and try to rekindle our friendship, and I am being sincere when say that what we had was about as platonic as you can possibly script it.

That's an interesting anecdote and directly relevant to the OPs dilemma. Did you ever consider that you misread your roommate's desires and that she was either waiting for you to make a move or merely thought that you were out of reach because of your relationship? Unless you understated the reaction of your girlfriend to your "relationship" with your roommate, I find it a bit odd that she would distance herself so much around your GF when she visited and especially so once she became your wife. Was she with anyone seriously when you were roommates?

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

This is only going to work if you are both drunk. Make sure she is drunker than you are. If it does not go well, you cans alway apologize the next day and write it off to the booze if you want to save the friendship. If you really like this girl, you are never going to happy being friends anyway so I would make it happen or move on. The time you spend with her as a friend could be spent with other women in bed. Good luck!

She's going to be freaked out by your abrupt outpouring of emotion. This is not going to end well.

Please promptly report back to us and do not leave out any details.

Gosh you people either overcomplicate things or are clueless.

First off, congrats for deciding to take action. The next step is to take action. Inaction itself is a form of action, and that's what you have been doing for years.

The direct approach may backfire because she will offput by your sudden, unexpected expression of feelings. It will give her a chance to react and think, rather than follow her feelings, which is what women mostly do. However, my recommendation is the direct approach of just laying a kiss on her. She probably will recoil, and you need to respect that recoil. But she go home knowing exactly how you feel, probably a little confused herself, and Perhaps awaken similar feelings within herself.

Now your behavior. Regardless of what happens, you'll be thrilled with yourself because you finally had the balls to express your feelings. Congrats. You need to create the image that you are fine with whatever happens and respect her decision. You are happy with or without her in your life. Even if you don't believe it, you can be. That will make you even more attractive.

Next, she probably does not view you in a romantic light because you are a safe, non-threatening friend, and she would have expressed interest over this six year period. Trust me, it's very obvious when women are interested in men if you observe their body language and communication. You can't see it because you are blinded by your attraction. How many other guys has she dated in this time span?

sub3over40 wrote:

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

This is only going to work if you are both drunk. Make sure she is drunker than you are. If it does not go well, you cans alway apologize the next day and write it off to the booze if you want to save the friendship. If you really like this girl, you are never going to happy being friends anyway so I would make it happen or move on. The time you spend with her as a friend could be spent with other women in bed. Good luck!

One more thing....if it does not go well, definitely do not hang out with her and do not call her. Tell her your feelings are too strong for friendship. After that, DO NOT CALL HER OR TEXT HER! She may knock on your door in a week or two. If not, let it go permanently.

How this turns out really depends on your age. If you are starting your senior year of HS, the 6 years doesn't matter AT ALL. If the 6 years starts in HS but you were 500 miles apart for college, again, most likely it won't matter. If you met her when you started your job after college and you are now 30, it depends on how often each of you dated other people during the six years, but it doesn't seem likely.

Another key is exactly how friendzone are we talking here? If the two of you have been best friends starting in college and then 3 or 4 years after, rarely or never dating anyone else, you may actually be in the never-started post-nuptual shut off zone. I knew a couple of guys in grad school who were so weird (think Sheldon on Big Bang). We didn't believe them when they told us that they had friends who were women. Eventually, we met the women, also pretty out there, (think Amy Farrah Fowler). Both couples married soon after grad school, all virgins, I'm sure.

Yea, some context on age would be helpful.

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

Surely you've not waited 6 years to do something about this?

Do you really want her? Really? Really?

Think carefully - if you value the friendship (and we all need friends) then the risks are quite high.

FightFor15 wrote:

Deer Letsrun wrote:

Thread title basically says it all. Any advice from those that have dealt with this before?

http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2013/01/a-primer-on-friend-zone.html

That's an interesting article, but I find it misogynistic towards men that respect a woman's autonomy without vilifying them and still like to use the term friend zone to describe a situation.

longtimetowait wrote:

Surely you've not waited 6 years to do something about this?

Do you really want her? Really? Really?

Think carefully - if you value the friendship (and we all need friends) then the risks are quite high.

I applaud the OP for going for it.

As some have pointed out, the friendship will likely end/diminish if either party gets into a serious relationship/gets married. He can't live in fear of keeping the friendship.

He's drawing a new boundary and seeing what happens.

FightFor15 wrote:

http://www.nerdyfeminist.com/2013/01/a-primer-on-friend-zone.html

I'm married and have never experienced the "friend zone," but the blog post you linked to seems to miss the point. I never thought being "friend zoned" was a basic rejection, but rather an obvious show of romantic interest that was taken advantage of by the female. Like, a guy goes through traditional courting rituals and the female obliges... Only to claim that they're just friends. I think the reason more people associate it with males is because males typically (traditionally) play the role of the courter. For someone to be "friend zoned," they have to be taken advantage of in some way. Otherwise it isn't being "friend zoned," it's just an unrealistic expectation on the part of the male.

Am I wrong? I felt like the Nerdy Feminist just thinks guys expect girls to "put out" because the guys are nice. That is ridiculous and if that is the new meaning of the term, well, I agree with her. I never saw it that way... But I'm old and out of touch.

A lot of things have changed, and I think it makes it a lot harder for young people to establish romantic relationships. There were some good aspects to traditional dating, although many feel that it is too paternalistic. That said, I always felt the women had more power... Also, it was much easier to gauge true feelings.

"Would you like to go out with me sometime?" is much more direct than "Want to hang out?" She either said yes or no and you knew where you stood.

I'm not ancient, either. I'm late 30s. A lot has changed, apparently.

The key is to establish your footing. Both parties need to do this in a relationship. The term we used was "leading you on." Now it's called "friend zoning."

Both parties can be at fault and it's a dick move either way. Not interested romantically? Fine, just say it. But don't continue to act like a boyfriend/girlfriend by paying for meals/accepting payment and other similar things.

I actually got called out or this in high school and it wasn't until reading this thread that I put two-and-two together. I was dating a girl from another school, but used to carpool with a female classmate from my neighborhood. I would always buy her things at the gas station (drinks, candy, etc.) or when we stopped for lunch. I thought I was being a "gentleman," but she thought I was interested in her romantically. She figured I was going to break it off with the other girl and make a move. I never did and it wasn't until one of her friends bitched me out about it that I understood the problem. It was me leading her on...

So there is an example of a female getting "friend zoned."

wejo wrote:

longtimetowait wrote:

Surely you've not waited 6 years to do something about this?

Do you really want her? Really? Really?

Think carefully - if you value the friendship (and we all need friends) then the risks are quite high.

I applaud the OP for going for it.

As some have pointed out, the friendship will likely end/diminish if either party gets into a serious relationship/gets married. He can't live in fear of keeping the friendship.

He's drawing a new boundary and seeing what happens.

But my point is does he really want to draw this boundary. Does he like the girl or just like the idea of being with the girl? He just need to be sure. If he is then why not - you only live once. If its a passing fad then the risk/reward doesn't add up for me.

I don't think it's right to say that a female is taking advantage of the friendship. It's easy to understand the many reasons why a female might only want to be friends with a guy. A guy should learn to recognize what is happening, express his feelings if he would like more than friendship, and then move on if she does not feel the same. No one needs to be misogynistic or vilified or entitled, just learn how to deal with a basic scenario of human attraction.

Has nobody asked for pics yet?

Letsrun, you disappoint me.