I've never experienced it.
Broken up, had others, had time off, ran into each other, dated again...
A good friend of mine, who got married at 18, confessed to his wife (they had two kids at the time) that he had cheated on her.
She in turn, immediately confessed that she had cheated on him.
They both started laughing, talked it out, were both relieved.
And are still married several decades later.
Good Luck.
My wife cheated on me with a d-bag pro runner. So yes, it's possible to make it work after a woman has cheated on you unlike some people have said. I trust her fully now and our relationship is better than ever.
That was blatantly sexist and not backed up with any facts whatsoever.
My gosh people think outside the box. Not everyone falls into the get married have 2.4 kids white picket fence scenario.
In general I'm pleasantly surprised by the great advice on here, but for a group of people (runners) who constantly sell to improve themselves I don't know why (it seems) you are limiting yourselves to the "normal"American scenario.
Another female perspective.
I cheated on a boyfriend in college, and then was cheated on in a long term relationship after college.
My now fiancé had dated a girl for 6 years and was engaged when his girlfriend cheated on him.
Some things for you to think about:
A) I would never ever ever cheat on my fiancé. The "once a cheater always a cheater" line is not true. I respect my fiancé and I love him, and he respects me and I know that he loves me, even when we argue or are going through a rough patch. I am confident that he was respectful and loving to his ex, but apparently she didn't feel he same way because she cheated. You don't do that to someone you really love.
B) I cheated in college because I was bored and the relationship was pretty much over. We were fighting a lot more than we had and I'm pretty sure we were both over it. I wonder if I subconsciously was trying to find a way out that was "easier" than actually talking about it. We tried to make it work for some reason but it ended up being a disaster.
C) My post college ex and I lived together too. Then he started getting secretive and sneaky and of course I suspected things. He lied about it for a looooonnnngggg time and it pretty much made me insane. She did you a favor by coming clean after only a little while. The thing that really hurt me the most was how long he kept it from me and how i had a gut feeling it was going on but didn't listen to myself. Lesson learned.
Long story short, I never thought I'd get over the feeling of being cheated on by someone I lived with, trusted, loved, etc...but I did and ended up meeting a fantastic person. The idea of either of us cheating isn't even something I think about now. We don't always get along and we aren't always lovey dovey but we talk about things when we fight and we always work it out.
You need to think about if this girl is someone you want to "make it work" with...with this situation always in the back of your mind...or if you'd rather meet someone else with whom you can confidently say this is not an issue and know it to be true.
What if your girlfriend offers a threedome? Or offers you her friend? A one time offer to have sex with someone else?
I'm being serious...would that help? Out of curiosity... What do others think who were cheated on? If its just bothering you thinking about her with this guy...would it not make it easier if had sex with someone? Has this happened to anyone?
sampsonxli wrote:
What if your girlfriend offers a threedome? Or offers you her friend? A one time offer to have sex with someone else?
I'm being serious...would that help? Out of curiosity... What do others think who were cheated on? If its just bothering you thinking about her with this guy...would it not make it easier if had sex with someone? Has this happened to anyone?
I think this is a naive question. If you are in a relationship where you want to have sex with someone else, you need to end the relationship.
I say that as a guy who is married with two kids. I am 100% not lying when I say that if my wife offered me a threesome with her friend, I would not do it. Too much to lose. Of course, if my wife offered me that, there would obviously be some other problems in the marriage, so there's that...
it helps, most in this thread have a warped perspective on masculinity and care too much about monogamy for some unknown reason that they can't seem to justify with anything other than pseudo-psychology.
sampsonxli wrote:
What if your girlfriend offers a threedome? Or offers you her friend? A one time offer to have sex with someone else?
I'm being serious...would that help? Out of curiosity... What do others think who were cheated on? If its just bothering you thinking about her with this guy...would it not make it easier if had sex with someone? Has this happened to anyone?
Bullet the Blue Sky wrote:
This might sound strange, but if you want to trust and be trustworthy, give each other your email passwords and permission to login. Also, leave your phones on the kitchen counter at night with the understanding that you can pick up the other's phone any time to check call or text logs.
Sounds like a wonderful way to live.
renewed marathoner wrote:
That was blatantly sexist and not backed up with any facts whatsoever.
It was also CORRECT.
renewed marathoner wrote:
My gosh people think outside the box. Not everyone falls into the get married have 2.4 kids white picket fence scenario.
In general I'm pleasantly surprised by the great advice on here, but for a group of people (runners) who constantly sell to improve themselves I don't know why (it seems) you are limiting yourselves to the "normal"American scenario.
No offense but you are a moron. It has nothing to do with white picket fence scenarios. Try harder to recognize that all you are doing is projecting your own issues onto others.
To the OP: It has everything to do with dishonesty. THE cornerstone of any relationship worth having is honesty. It has been determined that the cheater cannot be trusted to be honest. Time to move on.
No Offense wrote:
THE cornerstone of any relationship worth having is honesty.
That's a lie.
THE cornerstone of any relationship worth having is compatibility.
I can't understand why people become so damaged by past failed relationships, especially if the cheating was done by a BF/GF outside of a serious committed relationship/marriage. I don't condone dishonesty or promiscuity at any level; however, the reality is that most people don't have what it takes to stay inside a committed life-long relationship. Using this as the bar for sizing up any potential long-term mate, why do people get so chewed up about being cheated on? I mean, just move on and be happy that you won't be plagued by a lying, cheating husband/wife down the line.
My advice: Set the bar high and trust your intuitions. Get out of any relationship (including friends) if you suspect dishonesty.
Both sides of the fence wrote:
A) I would never ever ever cheat on my fiancé. The "once a cheater always a cheater" line is not true. I respect my fiancé and I love him, and he respects me and I know that he loves me, even when we argue or are going through a rough patch. I am confident that he was respectful and loving to his ex, but apparently she didn't feel he same way because she cheated. You don't do that to someone you really love.
B) I cheated in college because I was bored and the relationship was pretty much over. We were fighting a lot more than we had and I'm pretty sure we were both over it. I wonder if I subconsciously was trying to find a way out that was "easier" than actually talking about it. We tried to make it work for some reason but it ended up being a disaster.
This girl has it nailed on the head. The once a cheater line (I believe) applies more to the same relationship, not the next or any subsequent ones (in most cases - there are some people out there that will just cheat). The reason is exactly what you said. You were bored and the relationship had run its course. Had you stayed longer, you would likely have cheated again for the same reason. Now that you are with the right person, presumably not bored, cheating would not likely happen. The flaw wasn't necessarily in the straying, but more with not recognizing it was over and ending it before it got to that point.
OP, is it possible she told you because its over for her but she doesn't want to be the one who ends it? If her mistake was a one time slip up never to happen again, why would she tell you (unless, of course you would have found out due to someone else knowing)? She could easily have patched up the relationship and moved forward and if truly a one time mistake, your relationship would be better off with you not knowing.
1) you will never trust her again
2) she did it to get back at you ie you were fighting she cheated. thats a conscious decision.
hard as it is. get rid now. in 6 months you will realise it was the best thing you could have done. maybe further down the line when shes grown up a bit you may end up together.
Compatibility is important. However the most important thing is mutual respect. Treat your significant other the way you want and expect to be treated.OP, I have never been cheated on, through my female or male relationships. However, I am going through a very rough spot the last few months with my partner because of his addict son who he continues to enable for fear of him being homeless. I have thought a lot about ending our relationship. One thing I realize, and I am sure you realize it too, is that I still love him, I don't want to hurt him, and I can't see my life without him. I would be losing a lover and a best friend. So every day I make a choice, as I am sure millions of married people do every day, to try to forgive. To see him as a person, and to see not only our relationship through his eyes, but also his relationship with his son. You can choose to forgive, and if you work on it, you eventually will. It is easy to start to lose control when things start to go bad with someone you love. She had on excuse for what she did, but can any part of you understand why? Yes, she hid it from you, but she also told you about it later on. That shows remorse. She likely wants to be forgiven. My old college roommate cheated on his wife after a few years. They got through it and are a strong couple, even without kids forcing them to be together. The larger issue with cheating is usually the lack of communication before it happens. Normal people don't just cheat on someone they love for no good reason. You need to be able to talk about it. If you can, you can get past this if you want to. If you aren't able to discuss it with her in a way that doesn't make her feel like $hit for doing it, you probably won't get over it.
Star wrote:
No Offense wrote:THE cornerstone of any relationship worth having is honesty.
That's a lie.
THE cornerstone of any relationship worth having is compatibility.