Wedding Question: How do you handle a conflict between spouse and YOUR parents?

Bro Science wrote:

That makes 0 sense. What if you love her, she is mentally stable, but she is incorrect in a certain situation? Do you still side with her, even if it makes you look like a complete idiot in the face of other people?

Yes, you side with her. It is more important that you support your wife than worry about looking like a complete idiot. If it is a tense situation you can diffuse the situation and discuss it with your wife in private. You never go against your wife, especially not in public. Can you disagree on things? Sure. But you stand behind each other for life.

stick with eharmony wrote:

flagpole what you wrote was pure beauty!

CORRECT!

I have a grandmother who is bi-polar, so we experience this all the time. We were planning a wedding and she was on one of her downswings and yelled at anyone who contacted her. Ended up telling everyone that she never wanted to have anything to do with the wedding (despite the fact that she had said the previous week that she was planning on bringing cookies). A week after the wedding she called everyone trying to figure out when the it was and what she should bring.

Flagpole wrote:

aafafaaaf,

I have been fortunate that I have great in-laws and parents, so this kind of thing has never been an issue.

How is Flagpole getting so much credit for the crap he wrote when he has never been in this situation?

Write a letter?

Come on!

My wife has a friend that wrote a book about single mothers and she has never had a child.

How does that happen?

You don't write a letter. You don't say to your parents that we need to have some time apart.

You deal with each situation as it is presented, you get through the day focusing on the good parts and you get on with your life.

You can't change people. Especially old people.

Congratulations. Now you each have in-laws. Welcome to that world.

You thought marriage was just learning how to live with your spouse?

Well the wedding is a taste of what else comes with it.

The Answer Is... wrote:

Bro Science wrote:

That makes 0 sense. What if you love her, she is mentally stable, but she is incorrect in a certain situation? Do you still side with her, even if it makes you look like a complete idiot in the face of other people?

Yes, you side with her. It is more important that you support your wife than worry about looking like a complete idiot. If it is a tense situation you can diffuse the situation and discuss it with your wife in private. You never go against your wife, especially not in public. Can you disagree on things? Sure. But you stand behind each other for life.

this is stupid as fuhq, and the ugly side of marriage. you lose all your individuality by succumbing to the ideal of being "one" married entity. long gone is your ability to think rationally and use reasoning.

Flagpole,

"why even give them the chance to respond?"

1. have you considered that OP might have a self-perception problem and could benefit from a response? or that the parents might act on the info favorably

2. Own it

3. prudent would be to tell them here are the ground rules for the relationship starting now and at the wedding, not taking $ from them up to the wedding and then sending a cowardly note

Retreats are not always cowardly but in the end all brave men must face their demons, not write them a letter.

Here is a better letter, to be read in person:

Hello Mom/Mother in law,

Thank you for welcoming me into your family and your heart boards the day when I become your daughter-in-law. Someone once told me, "A marriage always has 'another woman' and 'another man' in it — a mother-in-law and father-in-law. Over time, wise women will learn to appreciate and value the role of each other in the life of the man they both love." I hope we are on our way to that place.

Thank you for raising your son, my husband to be. Thank you for the devotion, worry and commitment you made to raise this man, this love of my life. Without you he would not be the man he is today. Thank you.

Married life is both exciting and challenging. And that leads me to why I am writing today. I know that you have shared in the excitement and challenge for your son, your precious son.

While weddings are really the most joyous day of a family, it can also become a source of conflict as well. Who speaks first, etc.? And marriage, how much time does he spend with his wife and children versus time with his extended family?

Mom, he loves you deeply and so do I. He will always be your son. Nothing can change that or your role in his life.

I will be his wife, the one he has chosen to bring into your family, to spend the rest of our lives together. It will be a privilege to take his last name, to stand at his side to grow together. I naively thought that "being in love" was enough. We both quickly learned that marriage is a journey, a process and hard work. I cannot express how much I love your son and how "worth it" it is to work hard to build our life together.

So as we move toward our wedding day, I want you to know that I support your need to connect with your son. I want to make sure you have those moments to do that.

And I have a favor to ask, a gift request if you will. I know you support our marriage and for that I am grateful. It is so important for us to have time to rest, relax and plan and connect with each other as man and wife and build our life together. Our strong marriage will make all the sweeter our time with you and the extended family.

Thank you in advance for giving us the gift of time together on our own, the gift of making our own decisions and mistakes, the gift of quiet support, the gift of letting us be ourselves and follow our dreams even when that may not reflect your dreams for us.

Thanks

your future daughter in law and your son

Read more:

http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2011/jul/27/beth-wilson-a-letter-to-our-mothers-in-law/?partner=RSS#ixzz338UfYNmd

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I have to agree with Star that Flagpole is getting too much credit.

Without ever actually meeting OP's parents and hearing about one part of their lives, Flagpole has told OP to cut off all ties with his parents (at least for a bit).

I am sorry. That is not how you should deal with issues. Weddings can be stressful, the parents are making things much worse and I agree that maybe this should be dealt with after the wedding but I read nothing from OP that leads me to believe that it has risen to this level. There may be other major issues but he hasn't written about that.

How about trying to work through the issues? I know families that have been broken by certain things only to talk later and realize that miscommunication or lack of communication added big time to the problem.

Cutting off ties to family should be a last resort. OP may be there but he has yet to write anything that leads me to believe that he is there yet.

And if the parents really do have mental issues (medically speaking), they may not always be able to control themselves. Do they need help? Could a family member help them? I don't know and neither does Flagpole. As I said before, cutting off contract is a last resort though.

sometimes the eagerness to request significant advice from anonymous strangers on the internet amazes me almost as much as the willingness to give anonymous advice over the internet to anonymous strangers and not wonder if you aren't seriously steering them wrong and wreaking havoc on their lives

if a close friend asked this stuff, I'd listen, I 'd tell him to listen to his heart, and to make his own decisions and it is he alone who lives with the consequences

1) Dude, the woman with no children writing a book for single mothers is not at ALL like me not being in the same exact situation as this guy. MY parents and in-laws are reasonable, but we have had to have boundary discussions (when I was newly married) before, so I know what I'm talking about. You do not need to have been drowning to know when you see someone else drowning.

2) Yes, with unreasonable people, you write a letter -- or an e-mail, whatever. You can't have discussions with unreasonable people, and they do not deserve that. A letter or e-mail telling them how things are going to be is the way to go in this case.

3) And no...his wife-to-be doesn't just have in-laws and now needs to be welcomed to that world. BS. NO ONE needs to put up with horrible in-laws. Sorry that you apparently do, but just because they are in-laws or parents does not mean you have to put up with them. Boorish behavior deserves an ultimatum, and if they are incapable of change (as you say but I reject), then so be it...they can victimize their other children then. Life is too short to put up with dysfunction. Being the parent of an adult person gives you no rights whatsoever, and an adult child who isn't treated as they should be owes nothing to bad parents. You want to be involved in their lives after they turn 18, then you'd better have been a reasonable parent to them as they grew up so that they will want to be around you.

4) Brother, you are dead wrong about the wedding being a taste of what is to come. We ALL should try to get along with parents and in-laws if at all possible, but THAT is not the end all. The end all is the protection of each spouse by each spouse and the understanding from all parties that their (parents and in-laws) opinions are secondary. Wife first. Husband first. Parents and in-laws second...until kids come along and then they slide further down.

Why am I getting credit for what I wrote? Because I'm right.

1) Who said this GUY'S parents were footing the bill for any of the wedding? No one said that, and if tradition is to be followed, the BRIDE'S parents pay for that. SO, taking money from from his parents is not an issue.

2) The "in person" thing is a bunch of machoism that is not necessary. You can write a letter or send an e-mail and not be failing as a man...what a ridiculous statement. The letter is to tell them how it will be without allowing them to argue with you right then and there about it, because the ultimatum is NOT up for debate. Not sure where some parents get off being so confrontational to their children all the time. Personally, I would NOT put up with it, and no one should. Fortunately for me, I have not had anyone in my life that deserved such a harsh stance from me, but if it is ever needed, I will dish it.

3) Sorry, but your "letter" is filled with sentimental crap that should be placed on a tin wall-hanging...probably with kittens or rainbows on it. No evidence that this young woman loves her mother-in-law or that the guy loves his mother "deeply"...actually you said she loves her deeply too...BS. Comes off as fake, and I'm betting crap and not even close to true. And the journey comment is crap on top of crap. That mother and father will roll their eyes at that big time.

4) Finally, why the hell is this woman writing to them? It's the SON in this case that needs to set his parents straight.

5) Go back and read my initial advice to the OP...it is right.

I said that you leave the door open for them if they initiate. That is not cutting ties. They had better realize the errors of their ways or face the rest of their lives with cats and Carol Burnett reruns.

Being family doesn't entitle them to behave that way. They had better make an effort to change, or that that.

By cutting ties, I meant that you said that they needed to take some time away from each other. I was talking about the temporary sense, not necessarily forever.

And if anyone wrote your letter to me, I would consider it a big FU and that that person did not want to speak with me at all since all blame is being laid on the recipient of the letter:

It's like saying, "No offense, but you are a piece of s___" Your letter was not one that opens things up to wanting to be better. It is one where you are saying that I am going to 100% control the whole situation and if you don't like it, you are out of my life.

Do you have any clue whether the OP is at fault in this at all? I know people who talk crap about how they are treated by family and when I later learn the facts, I realize that the issues were caused (at least in good part) by the person who was complaining not the others.

I am not saying that the parents aren't horrible and don't deserve to be cut out temporarily but we don't have enough info to say this. For you to say that family members should be cut out of each other's life (even temporarily) after reading a few paragraphs of someone's life is not necessarily fair to all involved.

Wives are exchangeable, your parents are not. She's YOUR wife and she is expected to do what YOU think is best. And most often you should follow your parents' advice.

Flagpole wrote:

1) Who said this GUY'S parents were footing the bill for any of the wedding? No one said that, and if tradition is to be followed, the BRIDE'S parents pay for that. SO, taking money from from his parents is not an issue.

tradition dictates the groom's parents pay for rehearsal dinner, so there Mr. Tradition

oooh oooh take the money and run

Some things gotta be done face to face:

And I've got something to give you

That the mailman can't deliver

I can't mail it in, I can't phone it in

I can't send it in even by your closest kin

I'm bringing it to you personally

Personally, personally, yeah

I'm bringing it to you personally

Personally, personally, yeah

There's nothing like the feeling I get

Oh when you're touching me, baby

There's nothing like the feeling you get

When I'm there with you, oh love

That I've got something

That the mailman can't deliver

I can't mail it in, I can't phone it in

I can't send it in even by your closest friend

I'm bringing it to you personally

Personally, personally, yeah

I'm bringing it to you personally

Ignore your parents and tell your wife-to-be to ignore them. If they aren't going to act like adults then don't engage.

They don't like the invites? Who cares? They don't like the Church? They don't have to attend.

Wait, are they paying for the wedding? If so, that might be the problem. You can't really kick them out of the planning if they are paying (or helping to pay). If they are paying then I suggest either sucking it up or scaling back the wedding so that you don't have to deal with the crazy.

(C) Monty Python and The Holy Grail

"Run away!

Run away!"

aafafaaaf wrote:

mellow seeds wrote:

Then why is she reaching out to them to have more of a role? Seems dumb.

Tell your parents to shut up and be happy they were invited.

Well they SAY that they want to be included, but they just refuse to actually do anything (meet with us, plan things, etc.) My wife wants a wedding that includes everyone with a hope of bringing everyone close. Obviously that isn't going to happen.

I agree with you on the second point.

My suggestion is that you make a step of maturity and begin to lead with confidence. You are in charge and you and your wife to be can plan the wedding and INSTRUCT the parent on where you need help. If they do not want to provide assistance by complying with your requests, then they were not going to be very constructive in their offer to help plan either. Basically, if you know theybare unstable and dysfunctional, then it's your job to minimize their disruption of your Wife to be's special day. Give 100% support to you future wires wishes and not theirs.

OP HERE.

Thanks for everyone's responses. Some of you have been harsher than others, but you've ALL been very thoughful in your responses, so thank you (sometimes the truth hurts!)

I'm the oldest of three siblings, all boys. The two other siblings and my parents have a pretty close relationship with my mother and father. My parents are pretty vocally anti-religion/Church. Our family was raised in a house (and this is not to start some sort of trollish debate on anything) that placed a lot of value in performance arts like music, theatre, etc. They are still the same way, and they've had some incredible successes with their sons in things like choirs, orchestra, etc. But mind you, there was not really much in the way of a "family" there. Just day in and out of a lot of feverish fighting over not practicing or not working as hard as a musical cousin of ours (I know this really sounds like trolling foolishness, but this is all true). Mind you, I wasn't the easiest child to raise. I would say there were quite a lot of fights with siblings and parents growing up that I could have resolved far more effectively. Nevertheless, there was always a LOT of dysfunction. And I do mean it LITERALLY when I say there is quite a bit of mental illness in my family.

I started separating myself from all of that a good many years ago, and I've with my fiance for over 5 years or so now. Her and her family and I are religious. I don't really talk to them about it, but they do know that I attend Church, etc.

They've actually explicitly stated that we're getting married in the Church "to hurt them", no joke.

So there's some more background info.

The Answer Is... wrote:

The answer is that you side with your wife at all times, unless she is mentally unstable.

My ex-wife let her family get away with everything and always sided with them. (for example, we rented our townhouse to her brother and he just destroyed it. I moved in to renovate it and couldn't even live in it the first week it was that bad. Her answer was to shrug it off that that was the way he was. "He destroyed YOUR townhouse here!" Nothing. Let him off.) It's not why we divorced, but it didn't help our relationship at all and drove a wedge between us at times. You should always have your spouse's back.