Wedding Question: How do you handle a conflict between spouse and YOUR parents?

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  • aafafaaaf
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 6:46am CDT
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    My parents are not sane. Very emotionally unstable. They've pretty much traumatized my wife-to-be, no joke. She's tryed calling and reaching out to them to have more of an involved role in the wedding, but every time they just start snapping at her/us. They also "never have time" to meet with us, and then lash out at us for never visiting. My wife-to-be came from a very sensible, levelheaded family, and she's not used to this kind of dysfunction.

    Some of this is related to me not initially asking my youngest brother to stand in the wedding party. We haven't spoken in years, and really didn't think he would care. This broke my parents' heart. So, to mend up everything, I called him and asked him to stand. He was happy, I was happy -- done. But no, they are still flipping out over the most irrelevant details: they didn't like the invites, they don't like the Church, the place of the reception, etc. It just goes on, and they won't meet any common ground on anything.

    Anyone else have experience with this kind of insanity?
  • locker room observer
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 6:57am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    Your wife-to-be is likely rethinking getting married, if she's at all sane herself. Time to have a conversation with your parents and ask them, out of respect for you, to keep their rude comments and intrusions to themselves. If they can't, it's time to cut them out of the planning efforts entirely. They should be invited to the wedding, no more.
  • aafafaaaf
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 7:04am CDT
    re: locker room observer
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    locker room observer wrote:

    Your wife-to-be is likely rethinking getting married, if she's at all sane herself. Time to have a conversation with your parents and ask them, out of respect for you, to keep their rude comments and intrusions to themselves. If they can't, it's time to cut them out of the planning efforts entirely. They should be invited to the wedding, no more.

    I have to be honest that your first sentence offended me a little bit.
  • aafafaaaf
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 7:43am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    BUMP
  • backwater
    registered
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:26am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    Whatever the case, this woman is about to become the most important person to you in the entire world. Always have her back. I've experienced the same dynamic, and it's hard at first - but you must respectfully tell your parents something similar to the advice above. Especially since you acknowledge the unreasonable nature of your parents' actions. You start solidifying the foundation of your relationship with your wife NOW.

    In my experience, things won't be pleasant with your parents, but you have to sack up and take it. Eventually, if they have any sanity whatsoever, they will see the love you have for your wife and have at least some respect (whether acknowledged or not) for you for standing up for her. Things can improve. But if you let them set the parameters now things will only get harder.
  • mellow seeds
    registered
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:35am CDT
    re: backwater
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    Then why is she reaching out to them to have more of a role? Seems dumb.

    Tell your parents to shut up and be happy they were invited.
  • aafafaaaf
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:40am CDT
    re: backwater
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    backwater wrote:

    Whatever the case, this woman is about to become the most important person to you in the entire world. Always have her back. I've experienced the same dynamic, and it's hard at first - but you must respectfully tell your parents something similar to the advice above. Especially since you acknowledge the unreasonable nature of your parents' actions. You start solidifying the foundation of your relationship with your wife NOW.

    In my experience, things won't be pleasant with your parents, but you have to sack up and take it. Eventually, if they have any sanity whatsoever, they will see the love you have for your wife and have at least some respect (whether acknowledged or not) for you for standing up for her. Things can improve. But if you let them set the parameters now things will only get harder.

    Thank you very much -- very thoughtful response.

    Your response almost made me wonder if you somehow know me it's so spot on. But yes, my parents are quite vain and delusional. They are incapable of talking a matter through. And yes, I support my wife-to-be completely, both because she is, of course, to be my wife, AND because she IS objectively right in this situation.
  • aafafaaaf
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:42am CDT
    re: mellow seeds
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    mellow seeds wrote:

    Then why is she reaching out to them to have more of a role? Seems dumb.

    Tell your parents to shut up and be happy they were invited.

    Well they SAY that they want to be included, but they just refuse to actually do anything (meet with us, plan things, etc.) My wife wants a wedding that includes everyone with a hope of bringing everyone close. Obviously that isn't going to happen.

    I agree with you on the second point.
  • simpleirrisistable
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:46am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    Stupidest thing parents can do is alienate their child right before a wedding. They will never see them again. Won't get to see grandkids or share in their lives. This is the time to tell your parents in a nice way that they are being unreasonable, tell them to show up at the wedding, draw a line in the sand and give them consequences if they cross it, and stand by your word. I know they are your parents, but they are counting on you backing down. Don't do it. Your future wife will not marry you, or divorce you quickly if your parents are allowed to continue their behavior.
  • awwsheeet
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:49am CDT
    re: simpleirrisistable
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    dont get married.
  • No, seriously
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 8:54am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    Family can really mess up a wedding. I had people trying to invite friends, bring a distant cousin who I didn't even know (and wasn't invited), etc. It all went well, but my father ended up being pissed off after the fact about a few things, even though they were his fault (for example, he declined to be in the receiving line after the ceremony, and then was upset he wasn't in it -- his choice, duh).

    What's important, and what I told my family, is that the wedding wasn't about them. It was about me and my wife-to-be. If they didn't like it, or their role, they didn't have to come.

    Good luck.
  • Star
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 9:01am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    I empathize.
    I had all kinds of parental problems at my wedding.
    You deal with them one issue at a time and stick together on it.

    My wife's parents were long divorced and her father was barely in the picture.
    She did ask her father to come and even walk her down the aisle.
    Then she noticed no RSVP from her father and called him.
    He said he wasn't coming because the invitation had her mother's name (as in her mother invites you) and not his.
    That's because her mom raised and was paying for the wedding and her father wasn't. Makes sense.
    He no showed and they didn't talk for years after that.

    On my side, my parents were separated and had just filed for divorce.
    My dad wanted to take a woman who he recently started dating (and eventually married).
    I said no. Didn't want the side show distraction. He wasn't happy and acted grumpy at the wedding but I didn't care.

    Seating was an issue.
    I had my father with his mother and siblings at one table and my mother with my siblings (her adult children) and their kids at another table.
    She said I was putting her at the kids table and wanted to be seating with my dad. No way.
    So I sat my mom at the table with me and my bride and my bride's mother. She couldn't complain about that.

    So, parents can be selfish about their children's weddings.
    It's amazing.
    Juts be on the same page with your finance on all of these issues and you will get through and have a bond over it.
  • Flagpole
    registered
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 9:02am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    aafafaaaf,

    I have been fortunate that I have great in-laws and parents, so this kind of thing has never been an issue. I am sorry for you that you have to deal with this loss. And, I say it is a loss, because that's how you should think of it. Their behavior is unacceptable, not helpful to the beginning of a young couple's marriage, and so, in part to protect your wife from them, once this wedding is over (and maybe before if they don't play nicer), you need to cut off contact with them.

    If they are indeed mentally unstable, it might be the last you hear from them until they die, but that will be the price you have to pay for you and your wife to have a good life. If they are NOT mentally unstable or they get help, then they can change. You should leave the door open for that possibility of a change, but it must come from them and be initiated by them.

    Here's the post-wedding letter I would send them:

    "Dear Mom and Dad,

    It pains me to have to write this letter to you both, because I love you, but we are going to have to have some time apart. I owe that to [name of wife] because she doesn't deserve this kind of unnecessary conflict; and quite frankly, neither do I.

    The constant negativity the two of you had over every detail of our wedding showed me that you didn't realize it wasn't about you. We tried several times to meet with you, but you couldn't make time for that and then got upset that we never visited. That is a no-win game that I will not play.

    Now, as a married man, my first allegiance is to [name of wife]. I will protect her and the peacefulness in our marriage at all costs, even if that includes keeping the two of you out of our lives.

    This letter is not intended to be an ending, but hopefully a beginning, and it IS an ultimatum. After we have some time away from you and you have time to find a way to change your ways, our interaction with you is dependent upon that change.

    The ball is in your court. If down the road you would like to see us, then, assuming we are available, we will gladly accept your invitation. My expectation is that you will be pleasant. I have no room for dysfunction in my life.

    Here's hoping we see you soon.

    [sign your name]"
  • Mr. Hooper
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 9:09am CDT
    re: Flagpole
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    Screw your parents, you owe them nothing. Having you was their decision.

    Love your wife, tell your parents that she is #1, and that if they can't live with that, too bad.

    Worked for me, finally 20+ years later they have come around, sort of. Has never been the same since I realized they were azzholes and morons.

    Wife can't stand them now, didn't come for the "family portrait". I don't blame her, screw them.
  • locker room observer
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 9:35am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    Your parents truly sound like jerks; however, why is your wife engaging them in wedding planning given their disposition toward her? Do you think she may be trying to instigate things thereby creating drama and attention for herself? Some people love playing the victim even when they could be reveling in what should be a joyous time. I think you should ask yourself why your fiancée is pursuing your parents' involvement. Get to the bottom of that ASAP.

    Oh, and 5/10 for getting me to respond twice.
  • Dennis Reynolds 2.0
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 9:44am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    aafafaaaf wrote:

    My wife

    She isn't your wife or spouse yet bro. You've made that mistake multiple times.
  • elope
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 9:46am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    This is why people elope.
  • The Answer Is...
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 10:12am CDT
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    The answer is that you side with your wife at all times, unless she is mentally unstable.
  • Bro Science
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 10:14am CDT
    re: The Answer Is...
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    The Answer Is... wrote:

    The answer is that you side with your wife at all times, unless she is mentally unstable.

    That makes 0 sense. What if you love her, she is mentally stable, but she is incorrect in a certain situation? Do you still side with her, even if it makes you look like a complete idiot in the face of other people?
  • OPie
    6 years ago 05/29/2014 11:48am CDT
    re: aafafaaaf
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    OP
    Your parents might be crazy, but they are your parents, and they raised you. However, they are not the ones you are agreeing to spend the rest of your life with. The choice is obvious.
    Tell your parents. "This is my wife. Respect that, and accept her, or I will not ever come by here again.."
    They are the ones who are wrong, not you.