Concerned for a Friend wrote:
My buddy at work just found out his 16yo daughter has been having sex with her boyfriend and I swear he has been in a depressed funk ever since. I don't have kids nearly that old and I don't know what to say to cheer him up. He's just so pissed about it. I don't think he likes the boyfriend that much.
Anyway, she seems like a pretty good kid. Her grades are good and I think she's not doing drugs or anything.
It must just be hard to take though because it was just 4 years ago that she was basically a little kid.
Sorry I'm late to the party, but I'm not going to read through all the responses. My daughter started having sex at 16 also and it was disappointing, but not surprising. Here are some of my thoughts having been through this.
First, it isn't your job to cheer up your friend.
Second, the sun still come up each day...so clearly it isn't the end of the world.
Third, as a Christian man I can say alot about what I think is right and wrong, but the reality is it isn't inconsistent with humanity or a belief in mankind's sinfulness that the daughter would do this behavior. So take the concept of right and wrong and/or the idealism of chastity out of the equation. They don't help help you think through this.
Fourth, if your friend didn't set the foundation early that choices have consequences, them he has missed a fantastic teachable moment in all this. It not too late to work through this though.
Fifth, preserve the relationship at all costs. In the long run it is the daughters life to live and her consequences, whatever they may be, to deal with.
So, I had a conversation with my daughter after I found out that covered some basic topics. The most important thing was for her to know that I loved her and her performance to meet my expectations did not change that one bit. While I was disappointed, I let her know that this decision on her part was to take a step into the adult world. Basically, now that she has grabbed the benefits of being adult, she now also has to have the responsibilities. I have obligations to provide the basics (food, clothing, shelter) until she is 18. I also reserve the right to provide extra for her at my choosing because I love her and CHOOSE to provide beyond the basics at my discretion. But, now that she has taken away my privilege to provide guidance and protection to her it is now time to become the adult you want to be and begin covering the items that you otherwise are or have been taking for granted. This is hard and should not be done in any way or measure as a way for vengeance or getting even. Just that part of being an adult is to make your own world turn as you are able. It's time to get a job if you want extra spending money. It's time to pay for your own gas and insurance and car stuff. Obviously some assistance is going to be needed along the way, but the veil of childhood has been removed and it is imperative for her to get that truth.
Anyway, it isn't the end of the world. And it IS a bit Polyanna to somehow feel that she should or could or would live up to all your hopes and dreams for her. Time for your friend to grow also. Forgive, change how the daughter is dealt with and love without coddling her anymore and the rest will take care of itself.