I love my family, but I don't like spending time with them

This is a great post. When I was 23 I couldn't stand my Dad; I honestly recall thinking at the time if he had dropped dead of a heart attack I wouldn't have felt a thing. He was not a bad guy per se but had an EXTREMELY narrow world view and never hesitated to let my siblings and I know how disappointing we were if we colored even slightly outside the lines. I was a free spirited kid and frankly hated my upbringing; got out of there at 20 and never lived at home again. Through my 40s not much changed; couldn't stand the guy, had a huge blowout with him at a family gathering (100% initiated by him when he was drunk) and didn't talk to him for nearly a year.

Fast forward almost 20 years; my Mom passed away about 5 years ago, and the change in him was dramatic... I think it caused him to really reassess a lot of things. On my side, I really started to see the human being behind all those years of resentment (and frankly hate), learned a lot more about what he'd gone through as a kid (basically an afterthought, no siblings within 10 years, resentful Dad, essentially raised himself). I recall one day we were out for lunch together and he said "No one ever gave me a manual; we brought you home, I was 25 years old, and had no clue what I was doing." That's the closest he'd ever come to admitting he was not a great Dad, and that was good enough for me. When I was 23, I wasn't a bad guy, just thought I knew it all like most 23 year olds ..and I didn't know sh*t, of course.

He's 87 now, I'm 62, and we still don't have much in common, but we get together at least once a week for lunch and I also drive him around to run errands, etc. I listen to the same stories over and over, let him retell them instead of impatiently pointing out that I've heard them all before, and treasure our time together as I know it won't be long before he's gone.

I fully understand anyone wanting nothing to do with a parent if they were physically or sexually abused, but otherwise I can say for me at least it has been more than worth doing everything possible to bridge what once seemed an unbridgeable gap. If you asked me to list the 5 things in life for which I am most grateful I can tell you, being granted the time to forge a loving bond with my Dad is right near the top of the list. YMMV of course, but that's my story. Good luck to all out there in the same boat.

You know yourself best honestly, from 23-30 you start to develop a sense of self that is completely separate from the person your family and, or parents envisioned you to be it’s usually when people start going “what am I doing with my life” I love my family and they are good people but when it comes to other family member they have no sense of respecting other peoples boundaries, emotionally regulating themselves, or treating other family members with dignity or reverence because “family”. I do understand your situation because I love my mom and family but I dread spending multiple hours much less days with them.

I can understand that they took the time to raise their children but remember the parents chose to have children, the children don’t get to decide who their parents are unfortunately. Not everyone has wonderful parents (emotionally, mentally, physically). In my childhood years I did everything and more for my parents and extended family to feel extra loved from me but did I get the same in return? No. When i would visit them while in college I would be criticised with a new jewellery choice or just because I didn’t have the same time as I did when I was a kid to talk to them. It really knocks you down and doesn’t really make you want to spend time with them anymore especially as an independent adult. If you wouldn't accept the same treatment from your close friends, why should you accept it from your blood family especially when they’re older citizens. They should know better!

It only works if the parents set the right emotional foundations when they were a child, otherwise it doesn’t work