Parents getting a divorce.........Mom stressing me out.............Advice needed PLEASE!

I think it's reasonable to tell your mom-- or anyone that's leaning on you too much for emotional support, that it's too much. Of course, it's your mom, so it's good to stretch yourself a bit. I would probably say something along the lines of: I can continue to support you, but it sounds like you need some additional help too.

Does your mom really not have anyone to turn to-- other relatives, friends, etc? I expect there are probably local support groups for people divorced/separated. Maybe an internet search would turn up these groups.

In terms of finding a job, I also expect that there are similar groups for women that have been out of the workforce for a long time. You could look for these resources and suggest she use them.

hey JG, hang in there, your letsrun pals are rooting for you :)

Again, I don't think you should abandon your summer job/plans...you can talk to your mom on the phone.

Besides, she will feel more like herself by summer. She might even get a part-time job (being busy would be good, not so much for the money, but to feel independent and strong again, with her own responsibilities, friends, projects, etc.)

P.S.: The asinine guy who posted under several aliases is wrong. Letsrun IS the best place to ask for personal advice--I really mean this!! Good luck :)

NO NO NO!!! DON'T RUIN YOU'RE LIFE! DON'T MOVE BACK!!! IT'S YOU'RE LIFE!! NOT HER'S!!

I hate to say it but this is probably the best response yet. You're gonna sabotage yourself more than you're gonna help your mom.

Bitches need to learn to take care of themselves. This is the 21st century.

Happy Mother's Day.

Well, on the extreme end of it, you could do what I did and cut both of them out of your life until they shape up. Live your own life and simply tune them out.

I did and it was the best decision I ever made. 20 years later I have no regrets. When my children ask me about them I simply let them know that there grandparents were very troubled people who were trying to draw me into their troubles. I will never do such a thing with my children. I will only offer support and never burden them with my troubles. My parents tried to burden me with EVERY trouble and put me in the middle of their conflict. They were nothing but a cancer on me.

In my case, they never did shape up but I knew that going in. Perhaps your parents will.

Disagree. You didn't ask your parents to get divorced. You are away at school and your priority should be your parents' (both) priority. It's already been said. Your Mom needs a lawyer. Both parents contribute to the family but Dad's contributions are documented better on the tax return. There is a solution that doesn't involve you moving back home. Have you talked to your Dad about the situation?Parents splitting is never the kids' fault but almost always the kids' problem

collegeguyinabind wrote:

I'll probably end up moving back home to Washington but it will mean that I have to give a great job that I worked hard to get, which does suck (not to mention giving up summer school), but family is more important.

Do not give up a great job. Her problems are not ones you can solve. Even if you go home, she still needs to find a job and obtain child support. Nothing changes besides you losing a valuable opportunity. It sounds like she wants you to sacrifice a job so she can whine to you all summer. That's selfish. If she valued family as much as you, she would be encouraging you to stay great job.

It makes me upset to think that you've been put in this situation. You're being asked to sacrifice long term happiness and success. Your mom sounds a bit loopy.

Dude, I live in WA. It's a community property state. That means she will automatically get at least half the total assets. Furthermore, if she compromised her earning power to raise you all, she'll be getting more from your dad. Your dad will have to pay child support in addition to all this. One last legal thing: Western WA judges almost ALWAYS favor the woman in divorce cases.

It's clear she is emotional and not aware how she is also hurting you by putting you in a bind. No need for some of the other posters to trash her so bad, but they are correct that you need to tell her that it is wrong for your parents to allow THEIR problems to screw up YOUR life.

It's not being selfish, ungrateful etc to stay where you are. If your mom had cancer, I'm sure you'd be over here to WA in a heartbeat to help her. This is different.

In the long run, she'll be proud of you for staying over there and doing what's best for you.

Try to be there for her sometimes on the phone but have your own space too.

Oh, and Letsrun is a great place to get advice. I've gotten some good advice here that's actually helped me alot in RL.

Iknowbetterplacesforthis wrote:

This is a running forum dude. I know better places for this.

Dude, you sound very dreadful ha ha ha

Tell your mother to get a lawyer! She is entitled to alimony and probably the house. If your dad is leaving through no fault of hers then he is going to have to pay. There are law aid places that will take her case if she does not earn enough...failing that he will most likely be ordered to pay her expenses in court. Your mother has to pull it together now or she will be hung out to dry. She needs to be aggressive and strong. Help her get legal aid and a lawyer but don't bail on her. I understand that this is difficult for you but there are many other parents and children in the same boat. Shit happens...

marijuologist wrote:

Your dad will have to pay child support, and your mom will most likely figure things out when she get through the 'acute' phase of her distress. She has ben dependent on her husband for a long time and her productive faculties have atrophied, but she will adapt to her new conditions once they've been imposed on her. My advice is that you shouldn't try to save your mom from herself. Your self-sacrificial efforts to help her might even have the unintended consequence of holding her back and retarding her progress when she learns to rely on you rather than herself.

I agree with the wise words above. If you want to help your mom, help her find a good divorce lawyer. If you know anyone who is a lawyer, ask them for a recommendation. They may not know a good divorce attorney personally, but they'll know another lawyer who went out and found the best.

The skill levels of divorce attorneys (well, all attorneys) varies widely. Some are so bad that they likely commit malpractice every day. Some are really good, but they likely will be expensive. She can't skimp out on this, though. She should be getting alimony, child support, and a good chunk of his retirement plan benefits (assuming he has a retirement plan at work).

She should also think about making sure that she's worked long enough to be eligible for social security (i.e., has worked 40 quarters to be eligible for coverage). A lot of divorcees have not, and they're not aware that they are not eligible for social security.

On top of all that, be there for emotional support and be positive. But don't let her alter your life on account of her problems. Frankly, she sounds a bit selfish to me pushing these problems on her 20 year old son. I wouldn't be surprised if years from now she apologizes to you for these actions at what is a very critical time in your life.

Your mom needs to get above 100mpw. After that everything will work itself out.

Your mon has a dependent personality.

Stay away from her unless you enjoy hearing her bitch about you dad every day. Let her learn to swim the waters of life.

Financially, she'll be all set if she has to care for dependents. It's your dad who's going to get screwed financially as she'll get a large chunk of his accrued pension rights, he'll have to cash in his IRA's and his 401k to give her her share and pay taxes for premature withdrawal. Factor in child support, the house, the car. She'll do fine w/o your help.

You've got a jump-start on life if you are figuring out at this age to see your parents as the flawed people that they are. This happened to me as well but I stayed home to help pay the bills (ie my tuition etc). Help her out by making your own money and not being a fck-up. Seriously, do well, run well, and be a good person. This is all she can ask of you. And seeing you do well will make her feel better to some extent anyway. She is your mom and bears some responsibility for who you are.

Tell her to back off with her problems and seek therapy (and get a good lawyer, believe me it will be worth it). There are lots of women's programs for her situation at her income level. Help get her plugged into them rather than trying to absorb her problems yourself.

Your mom probably feels like she needs a man to save her. She doesn't and you ain't it. Good luck to you.

Divorce sucks, no matter the circumstances. If kids are involved, even worse, despite their age. In an instance like this, kids should NOT be involved--this is a dispute between parents.

By not going home, you've made the first step in not handling your mom's problems for her. She needs to get a job (assuming she has some education if she's made upwards of $50k/year in prior jobs), which you certainly can help her do. Aside from that, she needs to talk to a counselor, not her kids. She needs to deal with the situation like an adult, face her problems, and move on from the divorce without dragging the process out, or her kids into it.

Guilt trips are a nasty tool, and you need to not buy into them at all. Make sure you're supportive, but you need to continually show her that you're not there at her whim (via guilt trip).