To all the high school runners, coaches and parents, who think starving is the only way to perform.
allie_ostrander “I keep crying after every race.
Initially, I thought it was because I was happy with my performance, but I realize it's much more than that.
I've been happy with performances before, but it's never felt like this. The moment I cross the finish line, I feel such shock and relief (to the point where I spontaneously burst into tears lol).
The reason for this is that I struggle to believe in myself. I used to gain so much confidence from what I saw in the mirror-was I lean, were my legs small enough, were my abs visible enough, etc-but since going through ED recovery, I don't know where to pull that confidence from. I look in the mirror, and I know that l'm not the smallest l've ever been. So no matter how my workouts have gone or where I think my fitness is, I have a hard time believing in myself.
That's why, when I cross the line, I cry. Because despite the doubt and the way my brain fought against me, I was able to perform. Because each time I overcome those doubts, I get one step closer to believing. Because, one race at a time, I prove to myself that my body wasn't the reason for my success—it was always me. Just me.
P.S. thanks to @theathletespecial for asking me why I keep crying and prompting me to actually think about this”