Might be depression kicking in. Everything felt like it was going well, then gradually went to sh!t. Financial situation is less than ideal, can’t afford therapy, family/friends are too busy to be bothered (which I understand…we’re adults), and things at work are kinda rough. I’m usually not one to post this sort of issue on a message board, but felt like I had nowhere else to go. Running is a huge passion and I love sharing it with others…just having a hard time understanding why there’s a strong disconnect.
Coming off as self-absorbed has been an issue in the past, but I truly mean well and think of others A LOT. Making connections and saying the right thing in person tends to be a bit more difficult. Maybe it’s a disparity in education, or struggles with being more introverted and shy.
It could also mean that we simply don’t click well. I tend to have little to no trouble connecting with others in my line of work, but the lifestyle that comes with it is very destructive and no longer wish to take part in it.
Finding a place of belonging has always been difficult, and quite frankly, it’s exhausting always having to do everything alone. I’m trying, y’all.
Hope things are looking up for you. I will say, Ican't stand95% of running clubs and their culture. I love to talk running and training and gear, that's not the problem.It's more that most of these clubs are just, idk, yuppie social clubs that run. I say this as a young white guy with a fancy office job myself. But at these clubs the bonding doesn't feel like it comes from running, or any shared interest at all, it comes from the shared social class.
This is very true in Columbus. The run clubs are great but some are more yuppiefied than others (chain running stores come to mind). Rich people with great jobs and privilege. Others are middle-class and down to earth. That said, there are nice people in the wealthier run clubs and meh people in the middle-class ones too.
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RCMS hang in there, buddy. As a former military brat who attended 10 K-12 schools in 12 years and 4 colleges/universities (lots of grad school) across three states, figuring out where I fit in was always a challenge. I've lived in urban, suburban, and semi-rural environments across several states, and one of the many roles I've served as an adult were running club newsletter editor and director for a fairly large community in Northern California.
My 3-cents of advice:
1. First, understand there are good people everywhere. When you start letting people in and getting to know them (difficult I realize for an introvert; my wife is a pretty strong introvert), you will be surprised how much you may resonate with someone on various levels, no matter their background or how they look. This may take several weeks or a few months, but you may develop lifelong friendships (however deep) in the end. From my experience, runners tend to more introverted than other groups of people (like your typical corporate environment); it could be that the running group you fill is stuffed with unrelatable, even snobby types actually has a lot of quality individuals who just want to be known as much as you, but don't really know how to go about it
2. Every club of any kind that has lasted for a few years likely has a cliquey core. That's okay. These are often the lifeblood of the group; the folks who make volunteer their time and make things happen for their members and the greater community. Without folks like them, our towns and cities would be poorer places. Focus more on appreciating what they provide, instead of what they lack. Then, look elsewhere for what else you need socially.
3. Look for a group that seems the best of the lot in your area, as far as interests and personalities go. Spend some time earning their trust by showing up regularly, and pitching in if and when you can. Then, if still interested, offer to join or be a part of a club initiative that could allow you to reach out to a broader swath of the community. Be the change you want to see in the club, but in a way that builds club bridges instead of weakening or destroying them.
4. Otherwise, consider getting what you need from an acceptable club for your training and racing support needs, but fulfill your need for deeper companionship but trying out new social arenas: Meetups, supplemental workout places like gyms, community events, college activities open to the public, etc. Develop levels of friendships; 1-3 or so for the really important stuff like support for the big moments in life, etc.; another few for shared, substantive interests like deep conversation; then others for just stuff you like to do, without a care/need for anything beyond that.
Most of the people downvoting and saying ingorant things are the ones that will never understand this type of issue. They are scared to think. They hate introspection. I admire your "kill them with kindness" attitude. Never change. You are a gift to this world.
My best friend is a runner .. also eats a vegan diet etc ... so we kind of go it alone on the running scene. Maybe find a close buddy that you can share ANYTHING with and not worry about the running group scene ... 2 is company 3 is a crowd
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I understand the depression part. I've been there, and I will say that when I've been in that space, I've imagined all kinds of gaps and distinctions between me and other people, and assumed all kinds of things about what others thought me. But in making these assumptions, I found I was choosing my own alienation, which honestly seemed easier than not expecting things from people and taking people for who they are and what they offer. I knew what alienation was; I didn't quite understand grace and self-acceptance.
Over the years, I've managed to be able to take people for who they are, and not expect them to intersect me at every level. I didn't get to this point easily; I torched perfectly good friendships last decade. But ultimately, I wanted to interact with people and trust them. I still am comfortable being alone in many situations, but I also balance that tendency with social contact, however small it might be. I'm certainly a lot happier for it.
Best of luck to you.
This is right. You can't expect everyone to align with you on all levels. But you can have a nice social interaction that gives you energy and amusement or challenge or thought, whatever you deem worthy. So don't dismiss small talk. Unless you're stuck in a death trap of an elevator, you're not going to get personal convo right away. So ask a question, but not how are you? which is too general. Maybe ask what's the best thing they've eaten this past week or the last purchase that was not expensive but brought them joy. (These are kind of girl questions, so I don't know if guys would think this is stupid.) If they're a parent, ask about their kids. If you are nice to someone's kid or open to listening to all their kid chatter, they will be grateful for life. It doesn't have to be boring. My friend told me about this awful little girl with bad manners whom her kid is trying to get away from and I found it highly entertaining and I could tell she was dying to talk about it to someone without sounding like a bad adult/mom.
Just reading through the posts, it sounds like you have a hard time connecting with others. I found myself wondering if you are slightly on the spectrum, and have a hard time reading social cues. I'm sure that can be challenging.
They’re very left. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but they tend to be very judgmental towards anyone right leaning or even moderately neutral. Not big on politics myself, as I don’t see any benefit. I do recall their rather harsh response years ago when I said I didn’t care for or trust Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton is a right-leaning moderate at best.
I wonder what you would think of my little group of anti-establishment leftists that participate in direct & mutual aid to actually help those less fortunate. i get that you dont care for politics, but your comment is judgmental.
Just reading through the posts, it sounds like you have a hard time connecting with others. I found myself wondering if you are slightly on the spectrum, and have a hard time reading social cues. I'm sure that can be challenging.
I definitely used to have a hard time reading social cues, but working in the service industry has helped greatly. Might have to look into some type of diagnosis though. You may be onto something here.
RCMS, I can relate to you in many ways. I, too, am more interested in more meaningful relationships and conversations. For me, I don't do well in large group settings where the social environment is fast paced and geared towards trying to fit in. I can tell from combing through your various comments that you have a lot to offer in the relationships that you are seeking to have. Don't give up. As 'deepindixie' commented, we just need to take people for who they are we don't need to intersect at every level. The reality is that you are more likely than not to find the type of meaningful relationships you are seeking from a running group and the many negative comments on this thread are testament to that. But, there are many positive comments as well and that should be motivation to keep at it. But, it might suit you better to look for more meaningful friendship and social interactions in other settings, such as ones that involve service. I am new to my community and just yesterday volunteered at our local food bank where I enjoyed a deeper level of conversation with the fellow volunteers than I probably have had at any running group. All the best. - Eric
most distance runners are nervous, awkward people. good at singular focus, especially in groups.
runners who put in so much time running and being sore, hurt, tired are different. talk about running as much as you can or try to just talk with runners one-on-one.
don't expect them to be skilled socially or even all of them interesting. it's a sport of obsession for most...that a personality trait too that makes for limited rich dialogue.
generalizations of course, but mostly accurate in my experience.
"I’m very self-motivated, disciplined, and enjoy having more deep and meaningful convos, rather than surface level small talk."
OP, most adult runners are self-motivated and disciplined, so don't act like you're super special because you train.
Meanwhile, what would you consider to be topics for "deep and meaningful convos"? Have you raised this topics before or after training sessions or other group events?
If you are just standing around being "bored" by people talking about their lives, while you long for a deep and meaningful conversation at run club but contribute nothing yourself...
I'm 66 and find myself thinking about competing in Masters track to meet like-minded people for conversation. I had impactful careers in track & field, Silicon Valley, Hollywood and Wall Street and now live on several acres in the middle of the woods on a mountain in a remote rural area. I made myself he highest-performing guy in all my environments and as many people resented as admired me. I didn't want either. I was better than any of my coaches or bosses. Everyone's lazy. I work hard and smart and earned a D1 athletic scholarship and was taken to the Oscars by the most influential exec in Hollywood history
[blah blah blah blah]
Got it.
You are incredibly intelligent, yet don't have a handle on sentences or paragraphs. Your essay here reads at the level of a bright but obnoxious seventh-grader (or a mediocre ninth-grader).
You don't care about external validation, yet in a single post the only way you can describe yourself is through repeated descriptions of how people respond to you and think you are so very smart.
I feel bad criticizing this post, because it reads as if you may have early dementia, though it could just be the extreme grandiosity and poor writing.
Good luck in the middle of the woods on a mountain in a remote rural area!
My best friend is a runner .. also eats a vegan diet etc ... so we kind of go it alone on the running scene.
"Also eats a vegan diet etc" 😱 ... what does this even mean?
Veganism and yuppyism are closely correlated. "Eating a vegan diet etc" sounds completely uncontroversial to any runner scene. Eating a butt-ton of carbs would be more interesting and different!
"I’m very self-motivated, disciplined, and enjoy having more deep and meaningful convos, rather than surface level small talk."
OP, most adult runners are self-motivated and disciplined, so don't act like you're super special because you train.
Meanwhile, what would you consider to be topics for "deep and meaningful convos"? Have you raised this topics before or after training sessions or other group events?
If you are just standing around being "bored" by people talking about their lives, while you long for a deep and meaningful conversation at run club but contribute nothing yourself...
You might be the boring one.
I don’t expect to have deep, meaningful convos with runners. My apologies for not thoroughly explaining this. The convos I refer to are with my close friends (service industry people) and family. Compared to some of them, I am self-disciplined and motivated. My life was absolutely insane until last year, so boring and lazy would be inaccurate.
In the context of trying to befriend more runners, sure. More accurate. The reason why I bring up this issue is due to the fact that there is and has been a disconnect and want to kinda figure out why before moving forward and making serious effort, rather than widening whatever gap. Having more surface level convo isn’t really my forte (due to my line of work and the people I used to surround myself with) because I’m not used to it and want to learn how to reel it in a bit and not come off as a total asshat/weirdo.
I worked in a running store and knew different people in the different Clubs. Got to hear a lot of gossip\drama\winy \narcissistic people all day. I could write a book!
Last thing I wanted to do was run with someone or have a beer with to talk about running.
My wife is a artist and has never run a step nor cares to. She has shown me a whole other universe I never knew about. Yes you can be a runner and artist at same.time. But I've know Olympic level runners and running is their life which it should be. But not after your time has passed.
Why am reading a running post if I don't want to be around runners? Occasionally and very rarely now there is good insight on training and medical stuff for old geezers like me!
I worked in a running store and knew different people in the different Clubs. Got to hear a lot of gossip\drama\winy \narcissistic people all day. I could write a book!
Last thing I wanted to do was run with someone or have a beer with to talk about running.
My wife is a artist and has never run a step nor cares to. She has shown me a whole other universe I never knew about. Yes you can be a runner and artist at same.time. But I've know Olympic level runners and running is their life which it should be. But not after your time has passed.
Why am reading a running post if I don't want to be around runners? Occasionally and very rarely now there is good insight on training and medical stuff for old geezers like me!
Interesting post. I view running as a sport for upper-income professionals historically, similar to golf, skiing, tennis, sailing and figure skating. I relate better to middle-class and working-class runners, however.
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My running club is a bunch of right-wing, uptight, Little-englanders.
They tick every box when it comes to immigration, anti "woke lefty snowflakes" etc.
I jump through absolute hoops to keep the conversation on running and work, I wouldn't dream of voluntarily spending time with them otherwise. All Brexit bores.
A couple of times a year there's a social and I have to go easy on the drinking so I don't start ranting.
This is right. You can't expect everyone to align with you on all levels. But you can have a nice social interaction that gives you energy and amusement or challenge or thought, whatever you deem worthy. So don't dismiss small talk. Unless you're stuck in a death trap of an elevator, you're not going to get personal convo right away. So ask a question, but not how are you? which is too general. Maybe ask what's the best thing they've eaten this past week or the last purchase that was not expensive but brought them joy. (These are kind of girl questions, so I don't know if guys would think this is stupid.) If they're a parent, ask about their kids. If you are nice to someone's kid or open to listening to all their kid chatter, they will be grateful for life. It doesn't have to be boring. My friend told me about this awful little girl with bad manners whom her kid is trying to get away from and I found it highly entertaining and I could tell she was dying to talk about it to someone without sounding like a bad adult/mom.
So I decided to be a bit easier on myself and enjoy a few drinks the last couple of nights…crazy to think that most of my friends haven’t seen me (outside of stopping by my job) in almost a year. No wild after parties or debauchery. Just great convo and catching up. Turns out that’s all that was needed. Didn’t realize how much of a robot I became by being so hyper focused on running and work the last several months.
As far as running groups go, making peace with the fact that I’m different from most is a much easier route. It’s best to be a good “teammate” and encourage/help others, because I do feel like I can at least offer that.
Feeling like much less of a head case now (despite some residual silliness)Thanks again for the help! Happy running y’all :-)
