I've been dating a woman for a little over a year, very casually at first, but our relationship progressed a lot, partly because she had a major life event happen that involved us having a lot of really in-depth conversations and sharing of emotions about our lives.
All that being said, I am having a very tough time seeing myself marrying this woman or us combining lives. I We only see each other about twice per week, and it's hard for me to see our relationship progressing beyond that. I have considered suggesting a break, but I know those often don't go well.
Any advice?
youre still seeing this woman very casually and her "major life event" apparently had little impact on your feelings for her. if you're not "feeling it" then just break up and stop going on and on about what is clearly a lack of infatuation or spark. just because a partner looks good on paper doesnt make them a good partner. if you respect yourself and this person, you'll either part ways or have an honest talk about your feelings instead of asking your fellow runners who dont know you, your gal, and have nothing to lose by giving you good, bad, or no advice at all.
This is pretty much it. There is a lack of infatuation or spark. I have not had any trouble performing or anything like that, but I also don't really feel "drawn" to her. It's more like she's a good person who I also find moderately physically attractive. We also both have pretty mellow personalities, and while that is not "bad," I do feel like I need someone more outgoing and extroverted and lively to balance me out.
*** Here is the kicker that I should have mentioned in my first post ***
She is 38 and has an 10 year old from a previous marriage. I am 34 and no kids, never married. Having a child with someone and building a life together is something that I want. I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
She IS an objectively great partner. I just feel like our lives don't line up, and I don't really want to marry an older woman who is also a single mom.
I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
Again, if you feel so strongly then why are you wasting her time? Why did you even make this thread? You're right, you shouldn't stay with her, because then she'd have to take care of two little babies who can't make up their minds.
This is pretty much it. There is a lack of infatuation or spark. I have not had any trouble performing or anything like that, but I also don't really feel "drawn" to her. It's more like she's a good person who I also find moderately physically attractive. We also both have pretty mellow personalities, and while that is not "bad," I do feel like I need someone more outgoing and extroverted and lively to balance me out.
*** Here is the kicker that I should have mentioned in my first post ***
She is 38 and has an 10 year old from a previous marriage. I am 34 and no kids, never married. Having a child with someone and building a life together is something that I want. I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
She IS an objectively great partner. I just feel like our lives don't line up, and I don't really want to marry an older woman who is also a single mom.
Sounds like you already know what the answer is...
youre still seeing this woman very casually and her "major life event" apparently had little impact on your feelings for her. if you're not "feeling it" then just break up and stop going on and on about what is clearly a lack of infatuation or spark. just because a partner looks good on paper doesnt make them a good partner. if you respect yourself and this person, you'll either part ways or have an honest talk about your feelings instead of asking your fellow runners who dont know you, your gal, and have nothing to lose by giving you good, bad, or no advice at all.
This is pretty much it. There is a lack of infatuation or spark. I have not had any trouble performing or anything like that, but I also don't really feel "drawn" to her. It's more like she's a good person who I also find moderately physically attractive. We also both have pretty mellow personalities, and while that is not "bad," I do feel like I need someone more outgoing and extroverted and lively to balance me out.
*** Here is the kicker that I should have mentioned in my first post ***
She is 38 and has an 10 year old from a previous marriage. I am 34 and no kids, never married. Having a child with someone and building a life together is something that I want. I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
She IS an objectively great partner. I just feel like our lives don't line up, and I don't really want to marry an older woman who is also a single mom.
-1, now rated a 9/10 post. Nothing to be ashamed of, but still much to learn.
I felt the same way about the 2.5 year relationship that I had before I met my wife. My ex (from almost 25 years ago) was ideal in basically every way except our personality type compatibility. She was someone with whom I could see a very decent marriage but was not very excited about it. Two weeks into dating my wife, I knew I wanted to marry her. 20 years with her and over half of that married. Still so much passion (in brief spurts due to progeny).
This is pretty much it. There is a lack of infatuation or spark. I have not had any trouble performing or anything like that, but I also don't really feel "drawn" to her. It's more like she's a good person who I also find moderately physically attractive. We also both have pretty mellow personalities, and while that is not "bad," I do feel like I need someone more outgoing and extroverted and lively to balance me out.
*** Here is the kicker that I should have mentioned in my first post ***
She is 38 and has an 10 year old from a previous marriage. I am 34 and no kids, never married. Having a child with someone and building a life together is something that I want. I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
She IS an objectively great partner. I just feel like our lives don't line up, and I don't really want to marry an older woman who is also a single mom.
Thanks for sharing. You know what to do, but change is very hard, especially since this has been comfortable. End it honorably without stringing her along while finding someone else.
A lot of people downvote your posts, but as nutty as this board can get, it's good to get anonymous feedback (not unlike the AITA on reddit) in addition to your friends', as it's a huge step in your life. Good luck.
First. there's an unappreciated term in the draft. a high floor. while comical, for long term family health. it's big. When half of two goes bust, real life goes to blank. in generations before last 2, there were many solid relationships built on 'learn to love' rather than lust. It's remarkably stable and good enough.
second, instinctual feelings are very powerful. they say a human can only add about 10 variables then the brain auto adds the other thousand into instinct. sometimes it's hard to decipher real instinct from a want. monitor how I feel after time apart, Sunday mornings, and dreams for clues.
This is pretty much it. There is a lack of infatuation or spark. I have not had any trouble performing or anything like that, but I also don't really feel "drawn" to her. It's more like she's a good person who I also find moderately physically attractive. We also both have pretty mellow personalities, and while that is not "bad," I do feel like I need someone more outgoing and extroverted and lively to balance me out.
*** Here is the kicker that I should have mentioned in my first post ***
She is 38 and has an 10 year old from a previous marriage. I am 34 and no kids, never married. Having a child with someone and building a life together is something that I want. I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
She IS an objectively great partner. I just feel like our lives don't line up, and I don't really want to marry an older woman who is also a single mom.
Thanks for sharing. You know what to do, but change is very hard, especially since this has been comfortable. End it honorably without stringing her along while finding someone else.
A lot of people downvote your posts, but as nutty as this board can get, it's good to get anonymous feedback (not unlike the AITA on reddit) in addition to your friends', as it's a huge step in your life. Good luck.
Surprisingly, there has been lots of good advice here. OP, trust your gut and do the right thing by ending it. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship even if you are "comfortable" or if things "feel good." In the long run it will work out for you and her.
As another poster said, sometimes there are certain variables that just won't work out over the long run. I have been in a relationship with a great woman who would have been a great wife, but we did just not align in certain areas of life so we agreed to end it and not waste each other's time. It was difficult to end something I was comfortable with but we both knew it would not be what we wanted in the long run.
All that said, the "manic pixie dream girls" that can inspire and excite so much passion (think Summer in 500 days of Summer) tend to vanish. You need to be realistic at some point. But maybe not yet.
youre still seeing this woman very casually and her "major life event" apparently had little impact on your feelings for her. if you're not "feeling it" then just break up and stop going on and on about what is clearly a lack of infatuation or spark. just because a partner looks good on paper doesnt make them a good partner. if you respect yourself and this person, you'll either part ways or have an honest talk about your feelings instead of asking your fellow runners who dont know you, your gal, and have nothing to lose by giving you good, bad, or no advice at all.
This is pretty much it. There is a lack of infatuation or spark. I have not had any trouble performing or anything like that, but I also don't really feel "drawn" to her. It's more like she's a good person who I also find moderately physically attractive. We also both have pretty mellow personalities, and while that is not "bad," I do feel like I need someone more outgoing and extroverted and lively to balance me out.
*** Here is the kicker that I should have mentioned in my first post ***
She is 38 and has an 10 year old from a previous marriage. I am 34 and no kids, never married. Having a child with someone and building a life together is something that I want. I feel pretty strongly that combining lives with my gf, moving in together, and being a step-father type person to her son, are all things that I really do not want if I am to be honest.
She IS an objectively great partner. I just feel like our lives don't line up, and I don't really want to marry an older woman who is also a single mom.
and there's nothing wrong with that. years ago, i dated a woman who looked great on paper; she liked hiking, camping, the outdoors in general, museums, flea markets, dogs, adventure, cannabis, vegetarian, mario kart, many of the same styles of music, etc. she wasnt "hot" y conventional standards, but i through my eyes i was very attracted to her.
only problem was despite all the shared interests, she really couldnt hold much of a conversation about books, film, art, history, religion, political theory, etc.
i tried to make it work; it's rare that a partner will tick off every box. but having conversations is very important to me. she was and still is a very fun person, but i need someone to converse with about anything and everything.
at the end of the day, and despite all the noise to the contrary, a person is attracted to a body at first but love (at least for me) develops at an emotional and intellectual level.
sparks can start a fire but the flame needs oxygen to burn.