Wife's Dad died left her a lot of money and she is putting it in a personal account should l be mad

Ask us. We know what you should do. I know the answer but I want to give Flagpole and Bad Wigins a chance to tell you.

A marriage counselor friend tells me that guys come in complaining, "the money I earn is our money and the money she earns is her money." He tells the guys that, "good", they have a normal marriage and that most women are security seeking beings. My advice is to give this some time and let her feel secure.

tlm1959 wrote:

A marriage counselor friend tells me that guys come in complaining, "the money I earn is our money and the money she earns is her money." He tells the guys that, "good", they have a normal marriage and that most women are security seeking beings. My advice is to give this some time and let her feel secure.

Well men are sexual seeking beings, is it ok if I have multiple partners that my wife is unaware about?

tlm1959 wrote:

A marriage counselor friend tells me that guys come in complaining, "the money I earn is our money and the money she earns is her money." He tells the guys that, "good", they have a normal marriage and that most women are security seeking beings. My advice is to give this some time and let her feel secure.

Your friend is a bad marriage counselor.

Right now, unless BOTH of you change your attitudes about money, your marriage is doomed.

1) When you get married, ALL money is both of yours.

2) YOU are thinking of your joint account as money YOU saved. Stop it. It does NOT matter where the money came from before you were married. ALL of that money belongs equally to both of you.

3) Yes, you should be mad that she is going to open a separate account and use it to "buy stuff for the family". Um...no. NEITHER one of you gets to control the purse strings in a marriage. The money needs to go into ONE account, and both of you decide how it is spent together and at all times.

4) No, you do not tell her to put the money in the account she has been "living off". So, you are angry that you have had the means to support the woman you married? Bad attitude, dude.

Again, if BOTH of you don't fully embrace what I have laid out above, your marriage will fail. Guaranteed. MOST marriages that end in divorce do so over money issues. Change. BOTH of you.

Inheritance is typically separate from community property in divorce. But only if it’s distinct from other assets. I suspect your wife knows this and isn’t sure how long she’s going to be married to you.

Correct

Get divorced now while she has some money and you don't have any kids. Rethink your life alone for a while.

Another flagpole 'guarantee'!

I think that based on how you having been running finances it’s fair for her to put it in the joint account. Does that mean she will do it if you ask? I don’t know, but I do know these things blow up more marriages than anything else, so think very carefully about what you are going to do.

She hasn't gotten the money yet, but said she wants to have her own money to do some nice things for herself with out having to ask me, and the rest is going to us. Should l ask again about the account? I only mentioned it once, but it's been on my mind since l have been taking care of her with my savings. Should l be mad if the check comes in and she runs out and opens her own account? She says she wants to pay off my car and everything. Should I ask her again? Since it's been a while, where she is depositing the check? I say this because she wasn't on my checking account, but asked and asked to be put on it because as she said," we are married ", but now she doesn't care. Is it because if she opens her own account with that BIG check, she can use that as an excuse to NOT deposit it into a joint checking account? I have a little bit saved up in my bank account, but nothing close to what she is getting.

Bythebay12 wrote:

I think that based on how you having been running finances it’s fair for her to put it in the joint account. Does that mean she will do it if you ask? I don’t know, but I do know these things blow up more marriages than anything else, so think very carefully about what you are going to do.

When should l say something? I haven't in some time. I am afraid to hear the answer.

I suggest you see how it plays out. As noted by another poster, the inheritance likely is separate property in your state. If she co-mingles it with joint money, it no longer is her property. Not everyone would do what she is doing, but many people would. To be honest, the fact that it is not your first marriage and you brought kids with you makes her approach more likely.

See if she really does use it for family expenses. If she does, I suggest letting it go for now. If you are still together in ten years, maybe you can figure out a way to suggest she moves the money to a joint account.

She doesn't think she should use her money to pay for your kids. If you have a kid with her, it will be for that kid. Your kids will always play second fiddle to hers. She'll tear your whole family apart to favor her offspring. Get out and never let another person raise your kids.

You have received much bad advice here.

Certainly if your current account is in both your names that suggests her opening up a new account in just her name shows a lack of trust. You need to have a calm discussion about this with her.

On the face of it, it doesn't seem fair but there maybe some mitigating factors. Sometimes wills are not fair and one surviving offspring gets most of the money. This offspring wants to share the money with those left out. She might not be sure how she wants to do that, and doesn't want the need to get your approval before she does it. Maybe she feels that due to Covid related financial difficulties you might be reluctant to want to share the money with the relatives left out.

Maybe she thinks her father wanted just her to have it or just her to decide how to share it with the extended family. The death of a parent leads to emotions that aren't always readily evident.

It still comes all down to trust. It might be wise to discuss with her how much of this money should go into your joint account and how much should be set aside for her relatives left out of the will.

If you are hurt about this, you should let her know. Depending how recently her dad died, might affect your decision when and how to talk to her about this.

That should NEVER fly in a marriage.

What you SHOULD do is have one account where all of your INCOME goes, and then you both designate a certain amount of "blow money" each month that you can spend on anything you wish. This should be after all bills are paid and an agreed-upon amount of debt reduction is met (if you have any debt).

Again, YOU need to change your attitude. You have not been "taking care of her with my savings". Your WIFE has been supported with money that belongs to both of you.

You should have added her to the checking account. It should not be YOUR checking account. It should belong to both of you.

The problem you have now (though you should still pursue this) is that if you tell her she can have a joint account with you, she will think it's ONLY because you want access to her money.

I am dead serious about this, have her read this thread. Have her read this next part especially.

1) Have ONE checking account and perhaps ONE savings account that you both have equal access to and equal ownership of.

2) All money that you don't have invested in retirement accounts needs to be there.

3) She needs to deposit her windfall into one or split up into both of those accounts.

4) The two of you need to decide how to spend the money you have. Ideally, bills should get paid, and debt reduced and eventually eradicated, but the two of you TOGETHER get to decide the best way to do those things.

5) Buying things for the family needs to be a decision you BOTH agree on. It is NICE that she wants to pay off your car, but that is a decision that BOTH of you need to make. She doesn't get to have the power over this money and wield her whim upon you, just as you don't get to do the same thing because you make money and she seemingly doesn't. You are a married couple, a team.

6) It is VALID and FAIR that she wants to have money to spend on herself, EVEN IF she isn't making any income. BOTH of you get to do that. I just bought some guitar strings online, and I told my wife I did so AFTER I purchased them. She makes similarly small purchases and then tells me later. We discuss anything even remotely big before we buy. This is called "blow money". Unless you are in desperate financial straights, you both get to have this, EVEN IF ONE OF YOU ISN'T WORKING. Things that fall into this category are typically things like Starbucks, a reasonable amount of money spent on clothes and accessories, stuff for the car that you want but don't need, beer/poker night (don't go crazy) with the fellas, etc.

I'm not naïve. I realize that especially people who get married later in life and/or are in a marriage that is not their first one, that there is some extra possession of material things that isn't there for people who were married younger and in a first marriage. I understand the need to want to protect oneself in that way. That doesn't make it the right way or the best way to go about it though.

Good luck.

family money wrote:

Bythebay12 wrote:

I think that based on how you having been running finances it’s fair for her to put it in the joint account. Does that mean she will do it if you ask? I don’t know, but I do know these things blow up more marriages than anything else, so think very carefully about what you are going to do.

When should l say something? I haven't in some time. I am afraid to hear the answer.

Major red flag in my book... not to be negative but I am twice divorced I don’t hope that for u but... first question how much money is in your account? And how much is she getting? Wish u luck

family money wrote:

Bythebay12 wrote:

I think that based on how you having been running finances it’s fair for her to put it in the joint account. Does that mean she will do it if you ask? I don’t know, but I do know these things blow up more marriages than anything else, so think very carefully about what you are going to do.

When should l say something? I haven't in some time. I am afraid to hear the answer.

I want to give you advice on what to say and usually I am quick to do so, but because I know how these situations around money can devolve and destroy marriages, I don’t feel great to answer. I guess I will say, ultimately it is her (not your) money that she got by a random event, so don’t hold that against her. But, if she uses it selfishly and doesn’t contribute similarly to how you contributed to her (because now you two have different financial footing than before relative to each other), then you tell her that you don’t find her behavior to be fair. If she persists, you can either leave it alone or stop supporting her. Just don’t let it devolve into a cold war.

Open communication is the key to every successful and strong marriage. If you feel unable to be open with her, there is a problem. Talk to her about how you are feeling.