LR psychoanalyze me: I frequently semi-intentionally set myself up to feel disappointed/rejected by others

Identity or rather lack of identity. Cyclical self-fulfilling prophecy. Need to feel something/some kind of self image even if its not a positive one. The negative emotions felt from this identity is not enough to overcome your fear of changing. People tend to do what they know/is comfortable and not change even if they are in a bad place.

"This is just who I am. I can't change."

I suspect you have a lot of negative self-talk.

Is it that you want to feel rejected or is it that you don't want to be rejected? That is, are you afraid that if you request to join them, they might say "no", so you'd rather not find out by staying out of it?

The hallmark trait of sociopaths is seeking pity.

Probably not best to go down that route. Try to resolve conflicts amicably and firmly. Maybe consider what other people want. Look out for your mom. Learn business social skills. Etc.

It sounds like you are describing h.s. Life does not resemble h.s. Adults do not have time to hang out with friends outside of business meetings very often.

positive identity> negative identity > no identity

Need to stop looking for attention, validation, and self-worth from others.

You can't hold other people responsible for not making you feel good. It is up to you. As you are experiencing, that is tougher said than done.

I sometimes think I do things that cause me to stay in a certain comfort zone of success, which is ok but could be a lot better. Maybe I feel too much success would force me to not to appreciate things or maybe it would force me to do things I wouldn't want to do. Maybe you should examine why you like feeling hurt.

I would say to you: Just enjoy your life. When it comes up at again say to your friends :That sounds great. I'll see you at 7 sharp" or something like that. Just go with it. The mind is complex enough to spend time analyzing it. Have fun. That's what life is about.

This is a good place to seek rejection. ??

At first I attributed this behavior to just being shy and socially awkward and being reluctant to put myself out there, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that there is something more to it: I actually on some level want to feel rejected. There's some weird part of my subconscious that seems to need to feel hurt, let down, and victimized, so I end up semi-intentionally creating these situations where I can justify feeling this way.

It sounds like you are an introvert and when you say you want to feel rejected, I think it’s more that you expect it. It’s not easy for an introvert to invite themselves along. In my mind your friends seem rude for not inviting you and making sure to include you. If they invited you the 9/10 times, it’d get easier for you to invite yourself eventually. You aren’t creating the situation; you’re sitting back and watching. I would seek out another group of friends, or even just one good friend. Find people that help you open up and that don’t overlook you.

what is wrong with me? wrote:

So...WTF is wrong with me?

Get into running. It's a great way to be a loner.

Getting invites from people doesn't matter.

Also, just focus on improving yourself. Soon you'll feel so much better about yourself, it won't matter if anyone invites you out.

Maybe you are more empathetic than the average person. You notice and care more about including other people, rather than jamming your personality down everyone's throats. You want the world to reflect that. Try not to beat yourself up (I do this too).

It's impossible to psychoanalyse you without knowing your background/childhood. But in terms of needing an invitation, it could be: you grew up in a household in which you received subconscious messages that you shouldn't be around, leaving you needing permission to "exist" around others; you had a parent who was a victim, and this ensured s/he got attention, and you have internalized this behaviour - alternatively, because you don't feel you are wanted (as above), you adopt this maladaptive strategy to be seen.

The self-sabotage is related to these points. If you don't feel you deserve to be around, you will lack confidence that you are someone people want to be with/have in their lives. Though you might therefore need to be invited or made to feel welcome, when this happens it doesn't accord with your unconscious sense of self. We all seek to make the world predictable, even if this means doing contradictory, and often hurtful, things to ourselves. Your driver is that you don't feel you deserve to be around. In essence, your belief that you don't deserve to be here translates to the belief that you will die alone. You push people away because that confirms your inner belief about your 'final scene' (I will die alone).

Those who come into this world not feeling wanted leave this world with that same belief unless you uncover the roots of the belief you are not wanted. This can be for so many reasons; for instance, it is not uncommon for people to feel this way if they came after a miscarriage or an older sibling who died. The point, however, is that you don't have to be a saboteur. This board is no substitute for seeking a therapist and working with them. I would even go as far as to suggest that you wrote this message because (a) you wanted to be seen, and (b) because deep down you expected people to be critical of you for writing it, which would confirm your 'script' (I will die alone).

Win with your strengths. If you are an independent/loner, invest your time in running, socialize at races. It will pay off.

Look into Schema Therapy - it is a structured, evidence-based psychological therapy for these types of dysfunctional life patterns.

There is a good self help book written by its developer, Jeffrey Young (who studied under the developer of CBT, Aaron Beck), called Reinventing Your Life (terrible title, I know).

Here is an overview of the approach:

https://www.sydneyschematherapy.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Client-Guide-to-Schema-Therapy_Bricker.pdf

Although it would be ideal to find a competent schema therapist.

Forget these guys playing catch phrase and do the following:

-Buy a Joseph Campbell book, start reading

- cook yourself something intricate for breakfast, find an Alan Watts speech on YouTube, enjoy

- Communicate with one or two friends that you trust (in a joking, almost unserious way) that you hate the idea of being the fifth wheel, but love to be included. A really easy solution is to start a large text thread and use it to coordinate meals. Solves a lot of the in-person social pecking and anxiety that goes on.

Good luck!

There's a difference between wanting to be rejected and wanting the freedom to be rejected. I do want the ability to return rejection with a middle finger. To sort of have a game plan and if you're not with the plan I'm going without you. But on the other hand I'll take people who are on board.

Thanks for all your responses! A lot of good ideas here and a lot to think about.

Great post. LDoc, what's your specialty? I saw a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist when I was younger, but felt that they were off the mark.