Impressing spouse or significant other

You have a spouse and a significant other and are trying to decide which to impress?

No wonder you feel under scrutiny if you're forced to hide your two relationships.

A late night for the grammar police...

It all comes down to her significant social network. If she is tight with her sisters, you have to impress them. If she is tight with friends, then you have to impress them. Your woman doesn't have a mind of her own. A woman gets more mileage out of one-upping her peers by letting them know how cool you are, in an understated way. If what you do sounds good to them, then she is secure about her own choice in keeping you, and being content with you.

RunningHubby wrote:

Curious about your perspectives on if / how you try to impress your spouse or significant other...

Were you more inclined to do this earlier in your relationship? For those who don't try to do this, what's your secret? I feel like I'm on a tightrope in my relationship and trying to learn how not to care / worry as much.

Thanks!

I'm pretty sure you're describing dating: that is when you try to impress your potential mate, impress his or her friends, impress his or her parents, etc.

You're married and feeling like your on a tightrope? Come on, bro. If you feel like you're on a tightrope and you're married, then there are a lot of issues that you need to deal with, co-dependence being among them.

I'd suggest CBT or mindfullness training. It will really help you let go of unhelpful emotions/feelings (anxiety, fear, stress, etc.) that will, hopefully, allow you to get off that tightrope.

RyecorDone and DudeBroMan (great name by the way), thanks for your feedback.

Shut up and listen to her. It seems like the greatest things women really want from men is someone who listens and isn’t judgemental.

Yep. Better listening and going with the flow. Thanks.

Stop trying to impress. Nobody likes a bootlicker. There you go. That should do it!

Yes! As a confirmed "bootlicker" though, it's hard to switch off this tendency over night! Thanks for the honest advice.

You want to impress your wife? Make more $.

RunningHubby wrote:

Yes! As a confirmed "bootlicker" though, it's hard to switch off this tendency over night! Thanks for the honest advice.

I still recall the period when I began to realize that my (now ex-)wife no longer admired me. I think that is ultimately what most men seek, and it was all downhill from that point.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. But at some point you want your SO to just love you for who you are, warts and all. Feeling you had to continually impress them would get old fast.

Money isn't the problem in this case. But I can see why it's important

Thanks for sharing your situation. Sorry to hear about that. I've been through very similar circumstance and am now trying not to be too desperate and needy for affirmation from my partner. I'm definitely failing with this and as you point out, it's very difficult to sustain trying to impress someone. Don't all guys just want to be admired by their spouse? I make good money, am in decent shape, am great with our kids, am loving, but man, it's hard for my wife to say, "Honey, I love how sexy you are, let's get down to business." Am I right?

no love hurts wrote:

RunningHubby wrote:

Yes! As a confirmed "bootlicker" though, it's hard to switch off this tendency over night! Thanks for the honest advice.

I still recall the period when I began to realize that my (now ex-)wife no longer ]admired me. I think that is ultimately what most men seek, and it was all downhill from that point.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. But at some point you want your SO to just love you for who you are, warts and all. Feeling you had to continually impress them would get old fast.

I get it and I think you’re saying the same thing but I’m a female. We also like to be admired and want our SO to love us for who we are instead of them leaving us b/c of their insecurities , no?

RunningHubby wrote:

Thanks for sharing your situation. Sorry to hear about that. I've been through very similar circumstance and am now trying not to be too desperate and needy for affirmation from my partner. I'm definitely failing with this and as you point out, it's very difficult to sustain trying to impress someone. Don't all guys just want to be admired by their spouse? I make good money, am in decent shape, am great with our kids, am loving, but man, it's hard for my wife to say, "Honey, I love how sexy you are, let's get down to business." Am I right?

Sorry to hear that things are rough. But you are wrong. You are going to need to talk with her about why hers and your needs aren't being met. There are many possible reasons. There is no one size fits all. Marriage therapist might be appropriate.

Totally. This is a great point that gets lost amid one's own selfish worry and self-doubt. Well said.

Yep. Thanks for the advice.

Admiration from others is not something that you "want". You do your thing (run, cook, raise the kid, whatever), and just focus on the most direct thing on the table. Admiration, impression, love, respect, passion, and whatever else that other person feels are something that will happen (or not) on its own. You don't care if they are not impressed. It's their problem.

If you haven't, read the book called "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. Basically, you have to maintain autonomy and independence if you want your relationship interesting. Trying to hard to serve, to be intimate, to disclose everything, to be nice, etc. are actually going to kill your relationship. You need distance as much as closeness.

This is great. Thanks. Curious to check out the book now. Appreciate your good thoughts.