My son has gone right off the rails

Get some professional help.

Already done that, hasn't made any difference.

SDSU Aztec wrote:

Get some professional help.

That's what he's here for.

Break his xbox. That will show him.

You're the parent. Don't accept his behavior.

Markmiles wrote:

some of his behaviour just can't be explained (throwing a tin of spaghetti all over the bathroom walls).

He's a frustrated artist. They are difficult to live with.

Markmiles wrote:

Already done that, hasn't made any difference.

Did they give you a diagnosis?

If a kid has gotten to age 13 and demonstrates that he has absolutely zero fear of consequences like this, then the parenting has probably failed beyond recovery.

Your only hope now is that he suffers some consequences of his actions enforced by and external enforcement agency that makes him realize that he can't act like that.

Mort McMurray wrote:

If a kid has gotten to age 13 and demonstrates that he has absolutely zero fear of consequences like this, then the parenting has probably failed beyond recovery.

Your only hope now is that he suffers some consequences of his actions enforced by and external enforcement agency that makes him realize that he can't act like that.

Yeah, it's the OP's fault. One of my son's friends had somewhat similar behavior. Meanwhile, his older brother was the ideal kid; straight As, personable and good at sports. The parents are intelligent, good people that have the resources to do everything possible to help their son. He was diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and their only option has been to try different medications.

Your analysis is proof of why the OP shouldn't look for answers of how to help his son on LR.

LR armchair physicians.

There is actually a very simple and straightforward canon for this, much of which has proof, not just evidence.

Lots of what people said here is wrong.

Have him stay in touch with his mom regularly. Definitely the best way. Boys who live with only fathers often develop excess agression. Natural. Not a dialectic where you need to teach him something once. He needs regular support from someone like his mom.

Back in the day. Oh about 25 plus years ago now when a child got out of hand they were given 2 options......... You could be quiet and obey or you could get the belt across you’re ass then obey. I am not from those times but I always hear the stories of old. Anyways such punishment today is considered abuse in the highest from basically?‍♂️

Mort McMurray wrote:

If a kid has gotten to age 13 and demonstrates that he has absolutely zero fear of consequences like this, then the parenting has probably failed beyond recovery.

Your only hope now is that he suffers some consequences of his actions enforced by and external enforcement agency that makes him realize that he can't act like that.

I agree with this. It's either soft parenting, or outright psychosis. The OP needs to make clear through actions, not words, that the kid's behavior destructive is unacceptable. Confiscate his phone, ground him, restrict access to social media. Do not attach academic performance to this in any way, it's solely about the behavior. Draw firm lines and don't let him cross them. Warn him clearly that if he destroys anything else, you will call the police and have him arrested, and follow through. If you fail to do all the above you are a negligent parent. Counseling and pills will NOT fix someone who thinks he can get away with stuff like this.

I worked with juvenile offenders and mentally challenged behavioural individuals. There are techniques you can learn.

To some degree, you just have to ride it out. A 13 year old boy losing his mom is going to be traumatic. His lashing out may seem terrible, but he probably does not have the maturity to express his anger, grief and anxiety in any other way at this point in his life. Traditional therapy can often fail with kids that age and may even be counter productive. Kids that age see therapy as just another burden on their already awful lives and do not understand that the point is to help them. The last thing a 13 year old boy wants to do is sit in an office for an hour and talk about his feeling. If possible, keep him moving and involved in anything that takes his mind off of what is going on in his life.

This is one of those situations that make you turn toward the child as the root of the problem when the big picture is that his mother has moved to another country and that has produced bad behavioral effects in him. When the parents are fighting a lot, similar things happen and the focus needs to be on righting the basic situation that underlies the child's behavior. So, give the boy a lot more frequent chances to see and talk to his mother; provide alternate activities that help him do better; establish clear disciplinary consequences for tantrums.

WTF is a "tin of spaghetti"?

Mort McMurray wrote:

If a kid has gotten to age 13 and demonstrates that he has absolutely zero fear of consequences like this, then the parenting has probably failed beyond recovery.

Your only hope now is that he suffers some consequences of his actions enforced by and external enforcement agency that makes him realize that he can't act like that.

Great idea. Maybe they will kill him.

He is angry because in his eyes he feels betrayed. The most important woman in his life has left him. Somehow he needs to verbalize it and grieve it. I do agree that you should try to find another option for professional help. This is one that is probably above all our pay grades.

Mention to him that he has been destructive and that it doesn't help the situation, and talk to him about what he thinks you all could do to help improve the situation. He must think that the current situation sucks and you can ask him what steps he thinks could be taken to get into a better situation and see. A 13 year-old isn't a complete idiot, they have brains and can think about things a bit. Show that you care and make the improvements seem like his idea.