Anyone else genuinely dislike your parents as an adult?

My parents divorced and split up 8 kids 3 ways. I went with my mom when I was 7 . She was already living with her new husband who adopted me. Then my mom died when I was 10 and less than a year later my adopted dad remarried. So, I had an adopted father and a stepmother. Both were pretty neglectful, but when the step mom was ever around she relentlessly criticized me. A few years of this and they blamed me for an unhappy situation , of course. They sent me back to my dad who drank and collected dependent children benefits. With 5 kids from 8th grade down to first grade, he was gone for weeks at a time, living in a bar parking lot in his camper. 9/10 times when he came home he would rage and be crazy , and insult us, me especially, until he'd finally go back to his room and stay there until it was time to go to the bar again. My youngest brother was put a government in a boys school and another ran away when he was 14 and we didn't see him again until he was 19. Another brother quit HS and ran away but stayed locally with friends. The only remaining sister in the house also moved out locally with some friends and quit HS. I finished HS and got a job in another state 2 weeks later. A year or so later , knowing that my dad was almost dead from drinking I called him to patch things up. I told him to have no regrets about me and that I was going to be O.K. . He died from cirrhosis of the liver I was 20 .

I don't blame anyone for staying away from biological family. even with my siblings , I have done it more than not.

But try to see your parents them as struggling humans , not the daddy and mommy that failed you. Don't judge you siblings either , don't pretend like you are better than them or anything like that. We don't really understands ourselves and others very well, not well enough to get snooty about any of this. If you can make your life sort of work , or hopefully better than that , be very grateful.

alpha wrote:

This is really sad.

No wonder so many on this forum are caught up in phony "social justice" and "gender" causes, not to mention support for AlSal.

Way too many mommy and daddy issues, y'all need help. Seriously.

Talking of "gender" causes (which I think are 99.999% crap. Only in rare cases of development disorders like Klienfelter's are those even intrinsic. And even then, you have to do what is marketable, not what you like.) the prevalence of terrible parents giving anti-androgens to boys is rising alarmingly. It is pretty much just the basest, meanest form of bullying possible, and they act like it is some choice of how to sensibly ruin someone's life because they 'like' controlling someone like that.

I think there should be mandatory minimum 10-year sentences to anyone doing that to their children.

My parents had me out of wedlock at 20. Both had to grow up in a hurry and never did-affairs, petty crime, tax evasion, fancy cars, booze, country clubs, particularly my father. Both were crappy students. We were fed and clothed but that was about it. My parents have never seen my home, college, graduations, or my children. My father went on to become wealthy but resented that kids prevented from going all out playboy style until 40. He banged younger women like crazy.

I often asked myself what I would have done if I had kids at 20. Hopefully better, but they were kids having kids. When I was young, I often thought my Dad was the bad guy with his violent temper and lack of respect for any moral guidelines. As I got older, I realized my Mom was an accomplice and tolerated him for security. It is NEVER her fault. I finally figured out in my 20's that my Mom called off the goalie and meant to have us to trap my Dad as she was failing out of school and my Dad's father was very wealthy. The plan didn't work so well, but Grandpa did buy us a house, so there is that.

I have not seen or spoken to my dear old Dad in many years as he is toxic. I help my Mom out financially as she ages and I am shocked that in a strange way it makes me feel good. Grace is a great feeling and I wish I could extend it to my Dad, but I am stretching my limits -I think-with taking care of my Mom. Obviously, ministers, priests, therapists have told me to feel empathy for my Dad and his inevitable alienation, but I just haven't been able to do it.

My mental health backslides if I lose the Grace and appreciation for what I have. It is a constant struggle.

Did their best or did what they know?

Cry me a river bro. Every kid I went to high school with had the same dad and worse in some scenarios.

A lot of times the child who hates their moms actually turns into their moms. The narcissistic victim mentality aspects that you hate about them is something you will most likely inherit.

This thread is a prime example. You claim your mom has victim mentality, but this thread reeks of victim mentality.

The thing I find the most difficult is my parent is amazing now. But when I was younger, she was truly frightening. Controlling, screamed at me for having an accident/injury, wouldn't let me go to the hospital, I had to put my own stitches in as a teenager. Shouted at me for crying (in pain, in front of people). Refused to let me get help for medical issues. Blamed for me an assault when I was a child. I lived counting the days down until I could move out, and when I did, I moved to the other end of the country. But I was messed up. The odd thing is, she completely changed. It was gradual. Not like she had some kind of massive revelation. She stopped being frightening, cruel. I don't know if she realised that as adults myself and my sibling simply wouldn't have contact if she treated us like that. I don't get it. She is now very nice. Occasionally bits of the past surface. She remembers things in a very different way to myself and my sibling. My friends remember it differently too (similar to myself).

The thing I find the hardest is not letting me get help for medical issues.

Also, being forced to do a degree I didn't want to do.

Back then, things were very different. No internet. No support groups. No help really. People didn't talk about things. You put up and shut up.

I sometimes wonder how different things would've been if I wasn't so hungry all of the time. She didn't have a good understanding of how much food children and teenagers needed, she thought it was less than adults. So I was underweight and very, very hungry a lot of the time. But we didn't dare ask for more food, it was looked on with derision and punished so it was easier to go hungry. I can't relate the person she is now to how she was then. It is sad and difficult to live with.

My dad was so bad, I'm still receiving counseling at 50. He didn't love me and I didn't love him. He was a tyrant/dictator and caused too many issues to state here. I hope and pray others that have been abused will seek counseling to rewire their brain from a life with an abusive narcissistic. I tried many times over my life to "reconcile" with my father (he was the abuser) and he managed to turn the tables and said he did everything because of my rebellious heart. Lord, have mercy.

#implementboundaries #reduceexposure #seekhelp

Empathy is something you could use some education on.

Mr.Bird wrote:

My dad was so bad, I'm still receiving counseling at 50. He didn't love me and I didn't love him. He was a tyrant/dictator and caused too many issues to state here.

Yikes! Is he still alive, and if not, how long ago did he die?

Sensitive topic.

No easy answers.

I'd suggest keeping in touch, but that can be hard if they're disrespectful.

My dad bad mouths academia relentlessly, but when I see him on the holidays, he'll sometimes boast about my academic accomplishments to others while simultaneously showing disdain. He doesn't really know what I do, and doesn't ever try to find out, but that's alright.

I have a lot of regrets and just thinking about my parents brings up a lot of mixed emotions. I don't see my dad very often (my mom is dearly departed) and we still have nothing to talk about. Different worlds. We only semi-associate by having a father-son relation, otherwise we don't like each other.

It's a tale as old as time.

Youngest of four boys. Became a vegetarian from an early age but parents wouldn't accept and kept putting meat on my plate which I wouldn't eat. Consequently through lack of nutrition I'm 3 or 4 inches shorter than my brothers.

Bullied terribly by brothers. Bullied at school (despite having 3 older brothers).

Father crept into my bed when I was a young teen. Mother abandoned me when I was 12. Started to develop schizophrenia symptoms. Failed school exams despite always been in the top class. Got my act together a little bit in my early twenties, retook my exams and all A grades. Got admitted to a top university. My brothers were extremely jealous and whenever I tried to confide in them the difficulties I was having mixing with posh lads, they and my mother would accuse me of showing off.

Stayed with my mother in 2nd year. She promised I could spend the whole year with her but after a few weeks was pressurising me to find my own accommodation. That took me over the edge and I had a full blown mental breakdown resulting in hospital admission for schizophrenia.

After several months I was back at university and then my father died. I still had a good relationship with him - unlike the OP, I still haven't 'got over my childhood feelings' for my parents, so I was devastated, especially with guilt at not being able to visit him when I was in a psychiatric hospital. Somehow managed to graduate with a good degree.

Spent several years living with other recovering psychiatric patients, and looking back I was still pretty nuts. Started an online business and slowly it took off and I started to manage my symptoms better and get something of a life together.

Started to earn lots of money. I was very generous giving presents to my brothers and to my mother. Unfortunately, they took this as me 'showing off'. One day I decided I'd treat my mother to huge 4K television as a surprise. I was sure she would be pleased and we could have a better relationship. When I phoned her to tell her that the delivery men would be round with it in an hour, she started screaming at me down the phone that she didn't want it.

Started to date some beautiful women, and my brothers became really jealous. My mother stated several times to me that they were only after my money.

Last year had a cancer scare and had to have polyps removed. My mother was very cold-hearted throughout and didn't show much sympathy. A few months ago she developed cancer and I've spent months travelling and spending thousands trying to provide care for her.

Oh, and for relevance to here - she once told me that I'm only good at running, one of the few joys in my life, because 'I take it seriously'.

As far as First World problems go, I guess I've had a difficult relationship with my parents, but unfortunately I realize that many have far worse. To her that means running more than 10 MPW.

Why would people on this board dislike my parents? I doubt they've even met them.

I read an article that broke down how our own shortcomings are our own responsibility.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/markmanson.net/parents/amp

. Great read if you spend a lotta time blaming your parents for your current state in life.

It’s Christmas and I feel fortunate my parents want to visit me and my two boys. I found myself thinking of ways to deny them the authenticity I share with my close friends as a way to punish them for never getting to know me.

Then I remember the two sets of eyes who are ever on me teaching them directly and indirectly how to relate to people. I don’t want the tables to turn on me because of the fine example I showed them. So I have decided love is the answer.

You reap what you sow. I think the most authentic way to behave is in a manner that begets love since that’s what my authentic self wants. Forgive my parents for being the voiceless misunderstood teen and twentysome they have felt like for decades.

Connect. And the thought is cringeworthy but not everything that makes us uncomfortable is bad for us. Go the extra mile into my future because one days I may need the same measure of grace and mercy. Jesus is the reason for the season.

This is what it means to follow him. Pray for me because my flesh screams hide! Avoid! Evade! But where would that get me 10-20 years from now when my parents are transitioning and my kids are evolving. Jesus be a funny game of Uno this Christmas.

Real issues all around wrote:

Mom has been an alcoholic since I was young. Haven't talked to her in a few years.

Father has been in prison for over 10 years. Only visited a few times to hear his case, but came to my own conclusion that he is guilty. Have not talked to him in years either.

You're not alone.

Guilty of what? And so what? Just because he's guilty, that doens't mean you can't be friendy with him.

YOu help your mom financially but she's never seen her grand kids?