Experience with Being Cheated On

When did hetero adults start using the term, “partner” to refer to their significant other?

I would break up with her. I was cheated on while I raced at footlocker nationals. Despite the fact that she really loved me, she couldn't control herself, and now I have serious trust issues. Staying with her proved to be a disaster in the short term. Unless somehow you know and trust it won't ever happen again i'd find someone else. The love of your life should be so passionately in love with you that the thought of doing something like that sickens them.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone has fallen to temptation.

Huhp wrote:

When did hetero adults start using the term, “partner” to refer to their significant other?

Probably when we started trying to have respect for people who are different from ourselves?

I can't tell you what to do, but assuming you care for her a lot, some arguments for staying with her would be:

1. Even adults make mistakes

2. You believe her that she feels horrible about it, the fact that she didn't try to hide it is probably a good sign

3. No relationship is perfect, and if this is a one time thing it isn't really a big deal in the scheme of the 60ish years you might spend together if you think you're going to stay together

4. Say you break up and date someone else, and that someone else cheated on a previous boyfriend. Would you never date someone who cheated on someone ever (and how would you know)? If some guy dates her and hears she cheated on a previous boyfriend, would you expect him to dump her immediately? In other words: Would you rather forgive your girlfriend for cheating on you, or have someone else forgive her and live the rest of their lives together?

I was in a similar position at one point when I was young, and things ended ok. I broke up with her eventually for different reasons. We dated for years, and we grew and moved past it eventually. I'm not really good at analyzing feelings or anything like that so I can't really give you advice.

For me it would really just depend how much you care for her and what future you think you'll have together.

(On the other hand maybe you don't care for her that much and you're just wondering if it's worth the hassle of moving your stuff out of the apartment -- in that case I don't have much advice except that you should probably hire movers, moving stuff on your own is a real pain and it's really just better to pay someone to do it for you)

Get out now. You're very lucky not to have kids.

No ring after 3 years? Stop whining.

The “once a cheater always a cheater” argument holds no water. People who cheat did it a first time...so non-cheaters become cheaters. And people who have cheated have stopped.

The point is, if you go find someone else, they may have cheated on someone else, or may cheat for the first time.....on you.

People can think all they want that they are in a cheat-proof relationship, but nobody really is.

I’ve had pretty much the full experience of cheating to reconciliation. I’d suggest you don’t think your only two options are breaking up and staying together. You could, potentially, have a trial separation period, or more of an organic evolution that

could go either way, or maybe counseling.

You don’t need to make hurried, final decisions and it’s probably a bad idea to do so from an emotionally aggravated state.

People are always going to want to bang other people. Most people are insecure pu$$ies and can't handle that fact. Up to you if you can.

Lot of insecure or wounded people posting on these boards. Yes you can repair, and if you love each other you could build a better relationship. Consider the painful possibility that this event may be a symptom of some underlying disconnect in the relationship. Based on the dispassionate way you laid this out, I might have an inkling what that could be... You don’t need to rush to forgiveness, your pain is a sign of life and love. A good couple therapist (seek someone certified in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy) can help you with this. As with most crises, nothing has to be decided today. You’ve invested a lot. Commit to the relationship for now, and sign up for 10 sessions of work together. See what happens.

A relationship isn’t just a transaction or a contract that if broken becomes void... it’s a life giving bond.

A lot of sleazy cheaters in the last few posts.

Look at all these sleazebags trying to trivialize cheating, and telling OP to stay with the cheater.

Get out ASAP. Your relationship is doomed. You can either wait for a few more years (or possibly decades like that other dude on the thread who ended up getting divorced), but your relationship is forever and irreversibly doomed.

You're only 30. Plenty of time to find someone who will love you as your girlfriend obviously doesn't. She may feel strong feelings about you, but people who love one another do not cheat. So she either doesn't love you or she has a f*cked up idea about what love means...either way, bounce as soon as humanly possible.

My girlfriend cheated on me 15 years ago. I forgave her and took her back. We are married with three beautiful children. It's not an issue for us.

The first couple of years were hard for me. I thought about it just about every day and it hurt every time. Over time you'll think about it less and less and the pain will go away, today the memory doesn't bother me, but it took years. I will never 100% trust her again, but I'm at 99%.

I don't think I'll ever let myself 100% trust anyone again.

Did you post a picture with a doll's leg in the background on Instagram? Asking for a friend.

Went through something fairly similar, my spouse cheated on me with a close friend of years. It hurt and it hurt a lot, it rocked my entire world and my general trust in people especially since this friend had been consoling me when I was trying to figure out why my marriage was in shambles. Fast forward a few years, we're still together and things are better than before. Like the above poster has said, it's taken me a few years to be at that 99% trust rate but that 1% will always be there. Leaving or staying with someone who has cheated is not a black and white situation - if they're truly remorseful and taking thoughtful steps to make it right that bodes well for the future. Another thing I found helpful in my situation was finding out why they did in the first place. If you do stay with them you're going to have learn to truly forgive them and not use it as fire power in future arguments.

wdo wrote:

A lot of sleazy cheaters in the last few posts.

Look at all these sleazebags trying to trivialize cheating, and telling OP to stay with the cheater.

Nothing is trivial, anything can be forgiven if asked and people can change my son.

And what of the friend??

Is the college friend M or F?

Really appreciate the advice on here, both serious and non-serious. To the poster who noted that it's not a binary approach, I think that's the way I'm handling it. Seeing if I can give it a few weeks and see how things evolve organically; recognizing I'll unlikely be able to 100% trust her (or anyone else) ever again, I hope it will give me the ability to assess whether I can possibly get to that 99% level.

If it ever happens again, I'll be sure to update this thread so folks can say they told me so, and to provide another anecdotal data point.

All kidding aside, good luck to you as you try and sort this out.