Had a big blowup with my girlfriend. Would like some input.

Perhaps you could build her a cake to show her you like her?

John Utah wrote:

You seem like a logic and reason based person. Systematic in your thinking. Most women are generally less inclined to be this way (which is not all bad, you need both). This particular woman , however, seems like an outlier in the wrong direction. She is not for you. Arguing about game night or whatever now is nothing compared to the complications of married life with kids. You need to be on the same team with each other.

Based on what you said I see agony in your future with this woman. Your conscience is probably telling you that this is not a good fit. Listen to it. Be wise.

I am... While I think in general people value logic more than emotion, both very much are necessary. If they weren't, we wouldn't have both. I am very logical and not very emotional. It is a double-edged sword. I have been told a few times by different people that I am "too logical," "very analytical," etc, and I have also been told I am not emotional enough, or rather, that I don't show enough emotion much. When I take the Big 5 personality test, I generally score below the 10th percentile in neuroticism (basically a measure of emotional fluctuation and propensity for negative emotion), whereas when I answer the questions as if I was my girlfriend, it comes out showing she is above the 90th percentile. This is a very large difference in our personalities. On one hand it creates problems, but on the other hand it's almost a necessary evil because nobody who was emotional would be able to tolerate my gf's moodiness (two people being moody would lead to disaster), and two people as emotionally flat as me would make for a very boring/flat relationship. My gf NEEDS someone who can deal with her mood swings in an emotionally flat way rather than getting upset because it would cause her to get even more upset if I got upset. Likewise, I need someone who is social and emotional to get me to bring me closer to average in those departments.

But yes, I agree. Things have been better since I started this thread, but I feel like it's become clear (to me) that there is no long term partnership here. I felt that way months ago (when I broke up with her), but I decided to try a bit more (with a modified approach) to see if we could be a decent fit because in the past I've felt like maybe I didn't try hard enough to work through issues in the relationships I was in. I really wanted to try on this one because of how great it is much of the time.

We kept conversation very light the last 3 months and things were really good. This recent "event" in which I explained that I was exhausted was the only time in the last 3 months that I brought up anything of any real importance at all. Everything else we've talked about has been superficial everyday life stuff like movies, music, friends, etc. I whole-heartedly agree that if we can't even discuss things as relatively trivial as this, there's no way we can discuss the big things. I also feel like her sending ad-hominem attacks towards me, dodging questions, and accusing me of playing mind games on her kind of disqualifies her from being serious relationship material. We are supposed to be on the same side. I would never "play mind games" with someone I was attempting to have a partnership with. That wouldn't be much of a partnership.

I understand what you are saying here, but I don't think it works this way. Because you are reasonable and logic-based, her extreme lack of logic and reason over time will only frustrate you more, not less. Don't kid yourself. But only you can determine that for sure.

Rational perspective. wrote:

She was right. You were purposely blaming her, and telling her that how you felt was her fault.

STOP doing that.

Clueless OP. wrote:

I agree. The OP is being the drama queen, not the GF

She should dump him immediately. This relationship is not going to last very long.

LM wrote:

The OP is perhaps being a drama queen himself, yes. But he is also putting up with a ridiculous amount of drama. Period.

All of the drama came from him, which anyone can tell from the long senseless postings he makes.

She didn't create any of the drama.

Drainthefecesswamp wrote:

GF sounds very insecure to the point that is is really interfering with both of their happiness.

Haha, she should leave him, and then she won't be insecure anymore.

There is absolutely no reason to put up with this type of behavior from a woman. It will never get better, and if anything, will probably get worse over time. If you can get one woman, you can certainly find another. The problem is that, ALL women have variations of this type of behavior (can't handle criticism, overly sensitive, moody, etc). So try to find a woman at the low end of the spectrum for this type of behavior.

The key is to learn from the failed relationship and to not repeat the mistake.

She is far too sensitive. You are far too insensitive.

Stop seeing her.

As some one stated, what happens when real issues hit your relationship, LIKE KIDS, BILLS, LIFE DECISIONS.???. You are dealing with someone very spoiled and selfish. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE!! She needs massive help and you will not be able to do that since she does not respect you and uses what you tell her as you being mean or insensitive. This is a huge warning sign. The relationship is about her self absorption of not facing her problems.

She has a lot of ultimatums and trust issues and you have done what she has asked and its still not enough. If you marry this girl, YOU WILL BE MISERABLE!!! This is the kind of women that will leave you with nothing and suck your soul out of you. I say get out gracefully and move on, Their are better fish in the sea. Below are definitions of what I think she has, Deep issues that cannot be fixed by a boyfriend. You seem like a great dude and deserve better. DON'T SETTLE, LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE WITH SOMEONE THAT SUPPORTS YOU AND ENCOURAGES YOU AND IS PROUD OF YOU and you them.

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.

Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy

I was in a similar spot. It hurts to separate and break up.....im on a solo road trip now trying to clear my head and learn to be myself again so I know..but it sounds like it is necessary. Feedback and communication are the only things that keep a relationship going. Things wont always be perfect and if you cant be respectfully critical and work things out together, it's not meant to be. Take a chance on yourself and get out on your own man, in time it comes together.

We live in very tough times which is why I recommend to you not asking for relationship advice on these forums or on social media. It is medicine gone totally wrong.

So for the threads typically, here: If you can’t see the flesh and blood people who are asking the advice, who are being talked about and who are giving advice, then a large percentage of it will be utter nonsense. People will project their own ideas into their own language and how they interpret others’ language. Back and forth it goes, with so many variables and unknowns.

Now with social media, it is less blind and sight unseen, but a lot of false confidence.

Get some more sleep, make sure your digestive system is working. If you over exercise and are over using your brain, you do run the risk of your digestive system shutting down from sheer overwork and also the body’s wisdom and or reaction to impending opportunistic attack by pathogens. Athletes and non athletes err in germ exposure, health management and medicine. People will err in their social dealings as well.

No. All of the drama did not come from him. OP isn't handling the situation well, and likely contributes to the problem, but there are plenty of things she "created"

Both #1 and #2 in his OP are patently ridiculous. I would not call either of those demands/requests "drama", but they aren't remotely reasonable.

#3 is a whole different can of worms. Just the fact that they have arguments is a problem, that shouldn't be happening. Arguments, by definition are drama. Unless you like drama they should be avoided. OP is at fault here, because it takes two to tango. But so is she for the same reasons. You don't get an argument unless both parties irrationally engage.

This is drama. From her. If he is approaching her to talk about a concern and she is reacting this way it's drama at it's finest. Now, if the OP brings up his concerns the exact same way he did where he said "are you responsible for your own actions"....then the drama isn't exactly out of the blue. I think we can all agree the way the OP brought up the topic was pretty terrible. Accusatory and aggressive right from the start.

However, I doubt the OP has brought up ALL of his concerns or issues so poorly. If he truly has, then he is clueless that statements like that are extremely hostile/drama provoking.

That still doesn't make drama from her acceptable though. If you were to come up to me yelling and screaming and calling me a douchebag POS....that is not justification for me to act like a child and yell and scream back at you. You might be the instigator, but if I engage back with drama of mine own, in this case yelling at you, I'm part of the problem.

I had been pretty quiet and too myself at a game night we went to two weeks ago and was apparently visibly not in a great mood, and after she brought it up last night, I tried to explain to my gf that I was that way because she had been in a bad mood all day that day and had been in a bad mood 3 days in a row that week, and that I was simply exhausted (not mad, just exhausted).

OP, I missed this the first time around. This is pretty bad. Issue number one is that she is not in control of your emotions. If you let her being in a bad mood put you in a bad mood...that's poor emotional control and one of the reasons relationships struggle. You're dependent on her for your happiness at this point. Her being in a bad mood is no reason for you to also be in a bad mood, or even exhausted. There are many better ways you should have handled your emotions + the situation of her being in a bad mood to avoid exhaustion/low mood for yourself.

Moreover, the way you brought it up was terrible. You blamed something (your mood/actions) on her. You said that HER low mood caused you to behave the way it did at the party. It was accusatory and obviously is going to set her off. It's the rare person that can take a personal attack constructively. It's also flat out not true. You control your own emotions and actions and are solely responsible for them.

You're probably not going to want to listen, but you have quite a few things you really need to work on if you want to have successful relationships with healthy, low levels of drama and good mutual understanding. You're shooting yourself massively in the foot right now, even if you're well meaning.

Since it's come up a few times, the reason that I eventually asked her "Are you responsible for your own actions" is because multiple times now she was implied that she is not responsible for her own actions, and I genuinely wanted to hear her say yes or no because I genuinely do not know what she thinks. She has had two full blown meltdowns and both times said her behavior was my fault, not hers. This means that I am responsible for her actions, and she is not responsible for her actions. She was saying things along these lines during our most recent blowup, which is why I asked the question. I feel like regardless of if it's a dumb question or not, it's a yes or no question; it's not really that hard to answer. I would immediately and without thinking twice answer "yes" if someone asked me the same question.

As far as arguments go, almost every "argument" has been initiated by her and starts with her attacking me and being very emotional, and me trying to either calm her down some so that we can have a discussion that makes sense since there have been multiple times when she's been so emotional that I literally may as well be speaking Japanese. She has been blatantly hypocritical a few times, and when I calmly pointed that out, it just caused her to get even more upset. I see this sort of thing as very troubling because if I am being hypocritical, I WANT the people around me to tell me, whereas she seems to not want to ever be made aware of her mistakes (goes with the insecurity thing). It's a problem.

Also, our blowup didn't actually start with things about the game night. She started attacking me for something completely unrelated, and I commented that she'd been in a bad mood a lot lately, so then she asked me for examples, which I gave, and that included the day of the game night. She got very mad that I had not brought it up sooner (it was two weeks ago), and I said I didn't bring it up because I knew she'd get upset and behave the way she was behaving now, and I was trying to figure out how to bring it up without having a blowup. She blamed me for her behavior.

You didn't mention how old you are. No offense, but this reads like both of you are very young -- she's insecure, you're lacking in nuance and empathy, and neither of you have figured out how to deal with those weaknesses in a relationship setting.

I would never tell you to not to air your feelings. But having been on the receiving end of statements like "Sometimes you're in a bad mood a lot, and it can be kind of exhausting for me at times," it's hard to shoulder the blame for someone else's feelings when you're already feeling like sh!t. "Oh you feel like sh!t? You should feel even worse because you're also sucking away all my time and energy."

It's almost always possible to phrase things in ways that are equally true but less painful to the other person, and if you don't actively aim for that, you are part of the problem. "Sometimes you're in a bad mood a lot, and it can be kind of exhausting for me at times" can become "I know you're feeling bad and want to help you, but I don't know how, and that makes me feel sad and frustrated." If you can't stop yourself from phrasing things in hurtful ways, then apologize and break up with her, because you're not doing either of you any good.

Yea but you were saying the EXACT same things. Your behavior (acting exhausted) was caused by her/her fault (I was exhausted because she was in a bad mood)

That she had someone made you feel exhausted or tired or upset because of how she acted. She is another human. She does not control your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and actions. So you're both blaming each other for why you feel/how you act.

Then you would be lying based on your OP. See above:

Your behavior (acting exhausted) was caused by her/her fault (I was exhausted because she was in a bad mood). Pretty clear from that she is at fault for how you acted....not you.

I talked about this already. If she came to you, and initiated conversation in this way, you should not have and should not tolerate it. Trying to 'calm her down' is still giving her attention, which is what she wants from drama. If she wanted to have a discussion she would be rational. If she just needed support and love, she would not give you drama (harsh, negative emotions directed at you). Your girl coming to you to be held in your arms and cry is not drama. It's not harsh, it's not directed at you. Her being hysterical and directing at you, yelling, anger, etc. ARE drama.

Drama is all about attention. Trying to be nice and calm, while admirable and good behavior, is fundamentally the wrong approach. Your teaching her that if she gives you drama, you will give her attention and the cycle perpetuates and is reinforced. Not to mention if you sit there and take verbal abuse yourself an emotional punching bag and making it VERY hard to remain happy.

As I said before, what you should do is tell her; calmly and lovingly, that you don't like to be treated in such a manner. Then, get your stuff, get in your car, and go home. Do not stay and talk to her, do not respond to calls, do not respond to texts. Do this for at least 24 hours. If it was especially egregious, days or weeks might be warranted. Then resume contact with her like normal.

IF the situation was partially or totally your fault (i.e. she was yelling at you because you didn't clean up the house and you had promised her you would) you SHOULD immediately apolagize and tell her you messed up and take responsibility for that...but that you also won't be treated like that (with the initial drama). If the drama was unwarranted, then you can just say "I don't think/won't tolerate being yelled at and treated disrespectfully. I dislike how it feels and don't find it productive. If you want to talk or discuss something I'm more than happy to do it calmly with you."

This is ridiculously good advice. I can't believe it's not getting more attention. :O

LM, there is a difference between saying you are not responsible for your own actions and saying that you are influenced by other people's actions, just like there is a difference between being emotionally drained after three consecutive days of being around someone grumpy, terse, sharp, etc who you've tried to do several things with (go hiking, have dinner, etc) and having an emotional episode of ad hominem attacks over someone making you aware that you've been in a bad mood lately. If your boss cussed you out every day and told you you're an idiot in front of all your coworkers, you probably wouldn't dance your way home thinking to yourself how much you love your job. People are influenced by others emotions and behaviors, and doing something with someone who is in a bad mood is not enjoyable. People who are in a bad mood frequently generally do not have many friends because people don't want to be around people like that.

Her mood swings regularly interfere with work. I have never missed work due to mood swings and have a reputation for being able to work with anyone, and I have worked with multiple people now who have been fired for bad interpersonal behavior such as harassment. My girlfriend has on multiple occasions used ad hominem attacks towards me and refused to answer questions. I have answered every question she's asked and have never used ad hominem attacks against her. You seem to be willfully disregarding these facts. If I was even 1 tenth as emotional as her or 1 tenth as prone to negative emotion as her, the relationship would not have lasted a month.

Yes, end it now wrote:

You two should break up before it's too late and it is called a divorce. She is a pain in the ass. Missing work a couple times a month because she can't contain herself is nonsense. And the jealousy is nonsense. Just dump her and move on with your life. Do stuff with friends so that you don't feel lonely and try to get back with her.

^^YES, THIS ^^^

Also, the wife agrees. If she has to take days off work and is that unstable, RUN now. Right NOW! There is something better for you out there. Let some other sucker deal with her (and maybe they'll be happy together in their shared misery). In my experience, people only tend to get worse as they age, not better...particularly with this sort of anxiety-ridden OCD type. You really don't want this.

Sounds like OP is young and just trying to work on a relationship. Not yet old enough to realize that all girls are different and that this particular one just has some insecure screws loose. I'm pretty sure years from now the OP will look back on this girl and hopefully have had enough more mellow ladies in his life to realize that this one had exceptionally high mental baggage.