should i break up with my gf if i find myself emotionally infatuated with someone else

older people plz respond wrote:

should i break up with my gf if i find myself emotionally infatuated with someone else

How many guys has she blown besides you?

As I think about the context of my current relationship, and the events leading to it, I think about how I felt approaching our first year anniversary and second year anniversary.

I think I entered this relationship abit too soon from the previous one because I didn't feel the same excitement that I did going through those anniversaries. I didn't even get her anything really good for our anniversaries, but she was able to think up all of these creative gifts. And she still didn't mind the fact I got her a comparatively okay gift. Basically, while I was looking for gifts to get her, I was thinking like it was just more WORK rather than a day of celebration. I had never felt like that before.

I do understand that love is a choice, and it requires work. I understand that love is more than just feeling excitement, and the metaphor I think of is that love is like a slow burning furnace that you dont need to feed with fuel that often while infatuation and lust is like a short lived bonfire that needs huge amounts of wood to keep going. Maybe I'm just overcomplicating things in my mind, but I do feel that I am too young to feel like love is work. Reading these posts makes me think that I may have fatigued myself with long relationships, and I haven't given myself that phase of having fun and hooking up. But that's such a bullshit reason to break up with my girlfriend. There's gotta be more to it.

Have you communicated any of this to her? Because you are not doing either of you any favors if your heart’s not in it but you’re the only one who knows it. She deserves the chance to make decisions about the future of the relationship based on the full picture. Maybe she wouldn’t want to stay if she knew about the texting with your crush and about all these doubts you have.

It sounds like this is a pattern with you and I sympathize, as I was kind of like that at your age. What I would advise (and wish I had done) is to take some time by yourself w/out any relationship and learn to like your own company and to manage your own emotions. If you want to hook up during that period be honest about your intentions. When you know how to be alone you’ll make a better mate and you’ll also be less likely to settle for a person who isn’t the best fit just so you have someone.

Older people plz respond wrote:

I do understand that love is a choice, and it requires work. I understand that love is more than just feeling excitement, and the metaphor I think of is that love is like a slow burning furnace that you dont need to feed with fuel that often while infatuation and lust is like a short lived bonfire that needs huge amounts of wood to keep going. Maybe I'm just overcomplicating things in my mind, but I do feel that I am too young to feel like love is work. Reading these posts makes me think that I may have fatigued myself with long relationships, and I haven't given myself that phase of having fun and hooking up. But that's such a bullshit reason to break up with my girlfriend. There's gotta be more to it.

Having fun and hooking up is something I would advise every young person to do. Don’t get seriously involved with anyone.

But you messed up. You got seriously involved and now you’ve set this girlfriend of yours up for disappointment if not major heartache. As a man, you should always be cognizant of the pain you cause others. That’s part of being responsible.

Were you infatuated with your current girlfriend upon meeting her and to what level compared to this current girl and your other girlfriends?

2 years is nothing. It’s FAR KINDER to break up with her early than to waste another year of her time.

Do you think having the same interests is the one thing that makes a relationship feel less like work? Let me give you a little tip. Having unbridled passion and attraction for each other is what carries the relationship through in the first few years. The kind where you can keep your hands off each other and can’t keep thinking about each other when you’re apart. That kind of passion makes you work things out and stick together. You want someone with similar interests? Get a friend. I certainly never felt like my husband was “work”, especially not in year 2. Don’t settle for less, find that someone who makes you hot this way, who meets enough of the criteria that you have set out.

Sure, passion fades away, but not that fast. After you have children, you owe it to your children to work out your commitment to one another. Your love for your children often grows stronger than for your spouse. At that point, your love for your children helps keep the relationship together longer as well.

Needs to be said wrote:

You don’t get it. You’re teaching your son that commitments can be broken as soon as something doesn’t feel right. What’s gonna change after he is married or engaged? Now all of a sudden he has to suck it up and live with the boredom? You are teaching t

your son that emotion/interest level is the litmus test for a strong, healthy relationship.

most likely trolling, few people are this out of touch.

Basing your relationship on the unbridled passion aspect is a mistake. It fades away, whether it takes 2 years or 20 years. Then what? Sounds like your solution is to focus all your love and attention on the children. Do you see how distorted that is?

A successful relationship is based on a strong friendship. Partners who share similar goals and want the same things out of life, supporting each other on that journey. It’s a give and take. Challenging as hell, because you can’t be selfish and like work it doesn’t always come easy.

In most cases people get bored of their partner from what I observe around me BUT there are exceptions. You are speaking to one of them.

I have been with my wife almost 20years. We still feel butterfly everytime we meet each other. Infact walking away from each other to go to work etc hurts. We both know that our time on this planet is limited so we are always hungry for each other's company.

We are very affectionate and caring to each other. Infact typing this is making me miss her.

No girl can come anywhere near her. I have some female friends who I talk with superficially but NEVER ever flirt. Also none of them are my Xs.

Back on topic, I don't know if your current girl is a keeper. If she is then why mess it up? Only you know.

I appreciate all the input. I agree strongly that I did mess up in terms of giving myself time to think about if I really wanted to enter another relationship and I do have a responsibility to be cognizant of my girlfriend's heart.

Some of you will definitely hate me for this, but the conversation with new chick was rekindled, and we met up for a bite to eat. I took her to a rooftop, and we watched the sunset, and watched the lights of the buildings in the skyline turn on in the night sky. She was in my arms, and then I kissed her. I took her home, and dropped her in front of her house. I didn't walk in with her, I just made sure she got home. Then I texted my girlfriend, and asked about her day.

Someone tell me if I'm becoming heartless. If I was doing this type of stuff in highschool, I'd be wrought with guilt. But for some reason, I recognize that I have two different feelings for two different women. In my head, it's not like this new chick is replacing the "girlfriend" slot. It's more like there's just two people that I have romantic feelings for. Despite what I've said about my girlfriend so far, I haven't "mentally broken up" with her. We developed a close friendship, being together for these years. Once again, I'm not trying to justify being with another girl but I'm trying to recognize why I feel this way, instead of feeling guilty about being with another girl. Is it a type of selfishness?

I know there's a bunch of people here that have been giving great advice, and right now want to punch me in the face. I know I deserve it.

Please break up with your girlfriend. This is not right. As a mum, if you’re my son, I’ll tell you the same thing. Break it off with her nicely. Say something like, “I need time for personal growth, I need time for myself” etc . Do NOT mention the new girl. (If sh:t hits the fan with new girl you can always go back begging.) She may not take you back, but that’s the risk you’re taking. At least do the right thing and break up with the girlfriend.

If you don’t break up you’re gonna lose both women. And if you do lose both women, then you live and you learn. Plenty of fishes in the sea.

Coffeegirl123 wrote:

Please break up with your girlfriend. This is not right. As a mum, if you’re my son, I’ll tell you the same thing. Break it off with her nicely. Say something like, “I need time for personal growth, I need time for myself” etc . Do NOT mention the new girl. (If sh:t hits the fan with new girl you can always go back begging.) She may not take you back, but that’s the risk you’re taking. At least do the right thing and break up with the girlfriend.

If you don’t break up you’re gonna lose both women. And if you do lose both women, then you live and you learn. Plenty of fishes in the sea.

The OP is a troll.

But this is discussion worth having even if it is a fake story. It saddens me to see that your approach (as a mom) is to see this through a cost:benefit or risk:reward lens instead of emphasizing to your son that commitment is not to be taken lightly. I would prefer that my son show respect for relationships and not enter into them until he is emotionally mature enough to go through with it. Give him condoms in the meantime and encourage him to mess around / meet new people.

i'm really not a troll, lol. but the fact that you said i'm a troll shows that i'm either amazingly stupid, or an a$$hole or both

If you aren’t a troll you’re being a huge jerk.

From the sound of it, neither of these women know about the other. You are being dishonest and are benefitting from this situation, meanwhile setting one or both of them up for a lot of pain. Not just in a short term heartbreak kind of way, but potentially in a long term trust issues and self doubt kind of way. If you have any kind of conscience, you will also feel like crap about yourself. Healthy, mature adults don’t behave this way.

Google ‘Ask Polly: A Chilling Cautionary Tale’. Read it and then ask yourself whether you want to turn into the kind of dirtbag she discusses. Because that’s where you’re headed.

Alright. When you talk about long term type of trust issues, you're right. I don't want to affect my gf's self doubt like that. She deserves truth

Seriously read that column if you’re sincere. I know it’s long, but your posts exhibit a real lack of empathy for these women and this column will give you a visceral portrait of what it might feel like to be on the receiving end of your dishonesty.

If you want to have real, meaningful connections with other people, you have to have a sense of how your behavior impacts them and you have to care about it. Better to work on these skills now than in 20 years with a failed marriage or two behind you.

I'm OK with trying new experiences while young and even think that's healthy BUT it has to be done with honesty.

You want to kiss and/or have sex with that new hot chick ? Allright, but do it AFTER you broke up with your previous GF. If you want to have fun having sex all around, then stop acting childish and be a man ! Sex is only good when done with honesty and between consentent persons.

Just giving a last update to provide some closure and things I've learned:

I realized that the new chick was feeling me really strongly. My conscience was telling me that if I kept this up, she would feel even more strongly for me over time. Biggest thing was that I realized I didn't feel as strong as she did. I began to foresee myself in the same situation as I'm in now, which is not feeling completely satisfied with my long term girlfriend.

We hung out for another time, and I drove her home. I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious, and told her I wanted to give her time to think about what she was looking for in me before telling me what she wanted. Later that night she tells me she respectfully understands my situation, that she was looking for something more serious, and that she'll still sincerely continue be friendly, cordial throughout our program.

My beliefs in karma tell me that someday in life I'd end up losing both girls somehow if I kept them both in the dark, so I decided to be more proactive about the situation. I'm still breaking up with my girlfriend, so I'll lose both girls anyway but I feel this is the most moral(?) way out of it