Smashed my son's Xbox with a hammer as punishment. Now he won't talk to me. Not sure if I screwed up.

I've got a 12 year old and he loves his Xbox. So I'm reading your post with interest.

I happen to think that you made a mistake by smashing the Xbox, rather than taking it away. If you'd taken it away, you could have then given it back after an appropriate period of time. Now the only way to "give it back," as it were, is to buy him a new one. That looks like caving. Taking it away for a period of time, on the other hand, then returning it, looks like principled discipline.

That being the situation, you and your son need to communicate. You don't have to like each other, and he certainly doesn't have to like you, but you need to have a face-to-face conversation, and soon. Ideally you would have this conversation before he goes to stay with your wife. How is he getting there? If you're driving him, then you should have a conversation before you both get in the car. If your wife is picking him up, call her and tell her that you're changing that plan because you and your son need to have a talk.

When you talk, make several things clear. One is you believe that smashing the Xbox, rather than simply taking it away for a period of time, was a mistake. Apologize for that. Secondly, and regardless of the apology, be very clear with him about why you did what you did, and what you expect of him.

Then turn the tables. Tell him that you'd like to improve your relationship with him, and ask him how both of you can do that.

Then do something very difficult. Say nothing. Just listen. Don't try to shut him down. If you need to draw him out, ask him to name ONE way in which the two of your could improve your relationship.

He may have things on his mind that have nothing to do with you.

If little or nothing comes from the talk, then at least you tried. Make clear to him that you're going to have another talk when he returns. Also let him know that when he returns, there will be a new Xbox, and that his continued use of it will be contingent on a few basic behavioral ground rules, leading with basic respect.

I agree with some of the things you said, with the exceptions below.

KudzuRunner wrote:

Secondly, and regardless of the apology, be very clear with him about why you did what you did, and what you expect of him.

No, because that sounds like trying to hedge the apology, justify what he did, and then blame the son for it.

That is not an acceptable way to apologize, and remember the son will learn from that and then do the same thing.

let him know that when he returns, there will be a new Xbox, and that his continued use of it will be contingent on a few basic behavioral ground rules, leading with basic respect.

Again that would be trying to blame him for the dad's bad behavior and lack of respect for his son, which is not acceptable.

The dad should try to build up the relationship, without trying to introduce more control issues and negatives.

On one hand: You have to completely rethink your parenting unless you potentially regret it later down the road.

On the other hand: That's hilarious (yet psychotic).

Genuinely interested why you’d spend any time making up this drIvel

514miler wrote:

Divorced, child abuser, lrc troll. Are drugs and alcohol in the picture. Let me guess your name is either jerry, larry, doug, greg, or adam?

or is it gary?

I would have donated the Xbox, along with the games, to a community center in need of entertainment options. It would send a message that the XBox is a privilege, and that there are others out there in need as well. That way the kid still gets upset at you, but sees a rational model of behavior.

Don't be surprised if your son starts looking at you with Chinese eyes.

I'm not going to go into the parenting issues here, but clearly you are a somewhat serious runner if you post on here. If i were you, I would get your son into running (don't force it on him) for the following reasons.

1. He probably doesn't like you much because of the example you set, so why don't you regain his love and trust through something you are both passionate about. I remember my dad and I bonded over running, and some of my fondest memories of my childhood are me running a few miles with him to get in shape for soccer. That could solve a lot of relational problems.

2. It sounds like your child does not have an identity, or if he does it is found in video games. I assume he's going to be a freshman in high school. Encourage him to run this summer and go out for xc in the fall. He's going into a crucial time in his life when things are changing rapidly, and running could become a large part of who he is. Going home and playing video games every day with a bunch of geeky kids (or nobody) will only lead to failure. Also it could solve some social problems for him, as my closest friends in hs were the kids on the xc team. Plus, xc kids tend to be levelheaded and smart, so they would keep him out of trouble and give him a good friend group for the next four years.

3. Although my parents never divorced, I could only imagine how hard it must be for your kid. As I've done in the past, your kid could use all that angry energy that he probably has built up inside of him and pour it out in his training. Also, depending on how good you are at running, it is possible he has some genetic talent. If he works hard enough, he can get a scholarship to go to college for running which will sure save you $$$. Also, it will give your kid the discipline, which is not something many teens have, to make smart decisions (about diet, staying up late etc.) in order to enhance his running which is something he seems to be lacking. As studies have shown, running will also improve his academics because he will be forced to budget his time between running and school effectively instead of having lots of free time.

Cheers.

If he hates you now then he’ll probably appreciate the discipline when he’s 25. It’s his fault. Not yours.

Flounder wrote:

If he hates you now then he’ll probably appreciate the discipline when he’s 25. It’s his fault. Not yours.

I think he still won't enjoy someone smashing his things with a hammer, and it was his dad who did it.

hahaha what does this have to do with running?

uhhh wrote:

hahaha what does this have to do with running?

When the dad smashed the xBox, the kid was playing EA Sports Meb Keflezighi Boston Marathon 2014.

If he hasn't wised up, just go in his room and smash more of his possessions with a hammer. That will learn him.

OP - I am a 33 year-old male. I don't play any video games...and even I think you over-reached in your punishment.

Your son can never again trust that you won't just destroy physical things, or possibly cause irreparable physical harm to people, when you don't like something.

It's also possible that he 'learns' from this in a different way -- that it's okay to cause physical damage when you don't like something. You have set a dangerous precedent.

I'd have suggested a different punishment that fit the 'crime' better -- such as take away his smartphone and given him just a flip-phone that can't take pictures instead. He'd have been forced to either get a job to pay for a new smartphone of his own or suffer with the lame antiquated technology.

You've taught him that you're a jerk, and that you can't be trusted.

The best thing that he can do is to get far, far away from you.

trollrater1 wrote:

0/10

Nah. It is actually pretty well written and kept my attention. Total troll, but at least entertaining. 5/10.

It seems pretty predictable that he'll try to get back at you using such emotional tactics. I think you're mistake is probably that you've given him too much over the years without making him earn it. To be honest, I'd probably never allow my children to have an X-Box or similar device, but I would allow them the privilege to play a single computer game for a fixed period of time if they do a significant amount of work to earn it. Perhaps you should purchase an X-Box for yourself and start playing it in the evenings. Find out what his most longed-for games are. Then offer for him to join you at times when he earns it by accomplishing certain milestones.

For milestones: make him do things to improve himself that make him feel better about himself afterwards. Give him a weight lifting set, take him running, give him books and quiz him on their contents, etc.

intenserunner wrote:

It seems pretty predictable that he'll try to get back at you using such emotional tactics. I think you're mistake is probably that you've given him too much over the years without making him earn it. To be honest, I'd probably never allow my children to have an X-Box or similar device, but I would allow them the privilege to play a single computer game for a fixed period of time if they do a significant amount of work to earn it. Perhaps you should purchase an X-Box for yourself and start playing it in the evenings. Find out what his most longed-for games are. Then offer for him to join you at times when he earns it by accomplishing certain milestones.

I have no sympathy for morons like you.

0/10