You will scar your kids for life and they will never, ever forgive you. Your decision to abandon them will eat you alive every second of every day and you will die filled with shame and regret.
You will scar your kids for life and they will never, ever forgive you. Your decision to abandon them will eat you alive every second of every day and you will die filled with shame and regret.
I'd suggest try making your wife and kids happy.
- Plan nice date night that your wife will enjoy.
- Plan exciting events to do with your kids individually.
- Plan time as a family. Involve them in making the plans so that you know they'll enjoy it.
- Spend time asking your wife what she wants and then do those things for her.
- Just get more involved with your family. Spend time doing homework with the kids, putting them to bed and reading to them etc. Ensure you're doing your part around the house - not leaving it all to your wife.
- Spend some time writing down what you appreciate about your wife and why you married her in the first place. Don't scrimp on the praise, appreciate her if it's only because she irons your shirt. Focus on what you have, not what's missing.
Give it a good honest try for at least six months. No bailing or half measures. If doing stuff for them doesn't make you happier, and/or they're all still pissing you off then it'll be time to bail.
But bail when you know you've explored every possible avenue with your wife and family.
As a kid who had something similar to this happen to me, my advice to you would be this:
Evaluate how much your kids mean to you. Period. If they mean anything to you at all, you should stay. I haven't heard from or even seen my mom's in almost 11 years now and I'm only 16. Every now and then, when things get slow she creeps into my mind and I am torn as to whether or not I was the issue, if she even remembers she had me, if she ever thinks bout me, if she ever regrets not at least keeping contact with me, etc. It sucks. It was something that bothers me (slightly and only every so often, but does none the less) and it wasn't even something I could control. I guess my point is this, all it's going to do is hurt your kids in the end. I am by no means derailed by this or anything like this, I am normal and consider myself strong emotionally and stuff like that, but it will hurt them and their image of you none the less. I don't even know if I would want to meet my birth mom if I got the opportunity to, so think about how that would make you feel if it got to that point with your kids.
Do it for your kids man, because in the end, they are what matter the most, they will be what you miss out on.
Take the new job and get a house big enough for your family and the new woman.
Don't be taken in by all these apologist-style posts on here - fact is most of them probably wish they'd had the balls to many years ago but didn't...
Fact is you'll feel exactly the same, what 5 / 10 years down the line, but you'll have sold out your life for some inconsequential feelings of guilt. You only live once - go for it!
plusser of 1 wrote:
Gravy wrote:
Oh, c'mon. Pics?
+1 of wife and new woman.
Also - what are your PRs and what's the running/race situation in both cities?
Lastly, you better get into the gory details if you want a helpful detailed response
Yup, we need details.
Salary, location, and stability of the new job?
Any prenups signed?
How old is everyone involved?
Midway on our life’s journey, I found myself
In dark woods, the right road lost.
Look up Dante's Inferno, Second Circle of Hell. Study it well.
Pride wrote:
plusser of 1 wrote:
+1 of wife and new woman.
Also - what are your PRs and what's the running/race situation in both cities?
Lastly, you better get into the gory details if you want a helpful detailed response
Yup, we need details.
Salary, location, and stability of the new job?
Any prenups signed?
How old is everyone involved?
I'm early 40s, wife is mid-20s. Kids are 4, 6, and 9.
Current location: Midwest, large city (Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Minneapolis)
New location: Sun belt
Current salary: 105k
New salary: 200k+
deadbeat wrote:
Not getting into the gory details. Unhappy in my marriage and job a dream job offer waiting in a new city with a new woman. It's far away (not within driving distance). Love my kids but feel trapped by everything and getting more depressed by the day. I've been married for 9 years, 3 kids. Talk me off the ledge.
0/10.
You have a wife and...a "new woman?" What are complaining about? I've got no wife (passed away) and no woman (I'm too damn ugly & old). So, quit your complaining - you've got two women in your life! ☝️
deadbeat wrote:
I'm early 40s, wife is mid-20s. Kids are 4, 6, and 9.
So you got your wife pregnant when she was 16-17 and you were in your 30s?
That is disgusting!
Yikes! wrote:
deadbeat wrote:
I'm early 40s, wife is mid-20s. Kids are 4, 6, and 9.
So you got your wife pregnant when she was 16-17 and you were in your 30s?
That is disgusting!
Sorry, typo (or wishful thinking). Meant to write "mid 30s"
deadbeat wrote:
I'm early 40s, wife is mid-20s. Kids are 4, 6, and 9.
So your wife was a teen mom? Isn't that illegal?
I would guess that the OP is asking about going from wife no. 2 to wife no. 3. Also, remember that a bump from $105k to $200k needs to be reduced by @$30k for alimony, $20-30k for plane tickets for your kids to come visit you a couple of times a year and however much of your community property you will lose in a divorce proceeding. Yes, 10-20 years down the road, you may end up doing well despite the divorce as most men usually do. But, I would bet that wife no. 3 bails and this all repeats in 10-15 years.
deadbeat wrote:
The Ghost of Ann Landers wrote:
Sit down with your three kids and tell them exactly what you've posted here.
What would that accomplish?
They would get confirmation that their dad is a loser and they should boot him out.
TWR wrote:
Every husband-father feels this from time to time. Three kids and married 23 years so I know. But how could you do something so selfish and abandon your kids? It's the wrong thing to do. Plain and simple.
No. Every husband-father does not feel this from time to time. And all this BS about how the kids WILL be 'scarred for life' by a divorce is just that ... BS. So long as you remain (if you are or ever were) a good father they'll be just fine. All I can say is do right by the young ones.
elviejo wrote:
TWR wrote:
Every husband-father feels this from time to time. Three kids and married 23 years so I know. But how could you do something so selfish and abandon your kids? It's the wrong thing to do. Plain and simple.
No. Every husband-father does not feel this from time to time. And all this BS about how the kids WILL be 'scarred for life' by a divorce is just that ... BS. So long as you remain (if you are or ever were) a good father they'll be just fine. All I can say is do right by the young ones.
I used to counsel high school kids for a living. You want to know what the number 1 thing that all the messed up kids have in common, divorced parents. It's better for kids to have bad parents than divorced parents any day. Sad thing is, most of the divorced parents are completely oblivious to this fact.
A Counselor wrote:
Sad thing is, most of the divorced parents are completely oblivious to this fact.
Why's that - are you saying this thing called "divorce" is an entirely new concept?
Or maybe your logic is that children of divorced parents don't get divorced themselves?
Firstly, end it with the new woman.
If you choose to end end your marriage and leave your family, you have to be taking a lot crap straight into that new relationship. And your kids are likely to ever accept the woman you left Mom for anyway. That new relationship seems doomed, and you may be equally depressed in in it once the excitement wears off.
If you make a big step like leaving a marriage, at least end simply because you tried and still wanted to end it. Not because you thought there was something better to jump into. Spend a bit of time getting your head straight by yourself, work out how you're going to still be there for your kids. Then you'd have to be in a better place to start a new relationship that can last.
Early 40s ... sounds like you've hit the classic midlife crisis. It's a time when you're no longer young but you're not old either. You're questioning where your life is going , what it means and how to adapt to the demands being 40-something brings.
Go and buy a motorcycle or a Porsche 911, become a MAMIL, buy some more powertools or take up golf. Get the MLC out of your system by doing anything that just wastes money and is temporary rather than ripping apart the whole fabric of your life with a divorce.
If your wife is a complete harridan and always has been then it's likely time to move on from her. If you're just unhappy that you're both ageing and life isn't as fun, then reassess how to make it fun.
Getting divorced will be financially expensive. As another poster wrote that $200K salary will shrink to be less than the $125K you're earning now because of alimony.
There's no guarantees with the new woman - if she likes you when you're married then she may well turn out to be disinterested when you start making plans to be with her. Take a look at what happened to Ewan McGregor recently when he left his wife of 20+ years. She'll likely want kids and that's going to be a costly chunk of the remaining salary you do have. If you can't provide for her, she'll always be moaning about it. If you want to spend time with your kids or have them come to stay, she may start to get bitchy and make it difficult for you.
Also once you leave your wife, you have no guarantees about who she will hook up with and the man she selects as a stepdad to your kids. She may be bitter and resent you, she may poison your kids towards you, she may always be demanding money or taking you to court.
Just because your marriage ends, when you have kids - the relationship doesn't. When your kids get married/ have birthdays/celebrations/college graduations, you are going to have to face her every time.
Consider this:
I'm in my early/mid 40s, live in the Sun Belt, have a wife and two kids, and make well over $200,000 a year. And I literally have no money (for discretionary spending). Every dollar I make goes to my house, schools, food, travel, etc. My wife and I probably have to talk about every spending decision that's going to involve more than $300 or so. And that's with no alimony or child support payments!
The extra money will mean nothing -- you will never see it. Don't even let that be a factor in your decision-making process.
Also, be honest with yourself: you don't terribly love your kids if you're willing to consider this. I could never leave my kids. Like, never. Under no circumstances. My wife could cheat on me with every guy in the neighborhood and I'd just move next door. And I know plenty of dads just like me. If you haven't been honest with yourself on this point, it might be worth talking to a professional or someone you trust.