Yoooo wrote:
You can be faithful!! If your going to bother getting married
And if you can't it doesn't have to be the end of a marriage. Everybody is different and what two people work out that makes them both happy is not for me or anyone else to judge. That's different than cheating. Cheating is a crisis in a marriage, for a good reason.
Marriage lesson #1: people change.
Yoooo wrote:
I had been married for over 20 years and the love of my life decided to take a hard left turn and did everything unimaginable but it was easy for me to keep the idea of being faithful because that's what you do in a marriage and to this day I have still been faithful to my marriage vows even though I am divorced I'm definitely not ready to go down that road again :-)
You can do it
You can be faithful!! If your going to bother getting married
Then make it special
Keepit at home!!!!
I am struggling with speed goggles. It hasn't been satisfying
Whiite Trash wrote:
Marriage only works, really works, when both are truly committed, no matter what, short of gross infidelity or abuse, until death. If both aren't fully in, it cannot work. I'm amazed at how many I know who are not genuinely committed, keep separate finances, hedge in other ways, even in discussion make it known that "people drift apart", etc. If you are married but believe that people drift apart, or aren't prepared to stay with your partner, no matter what, until one of you is gone, if you maintain separate finances, you are not truly married. You can't win it until you are in it, no holds barred. I believe that the magic to be found in marriage comes through that complete submission to the other, to the relationship, the 100% commitment to making it work. It simply doesn't work otherwise.
While I agree that both have to be 100% committed, I don't think this has to mean completely sharing finances. My husband and I would do anything to benefit our marriage, but I think having separate bank accounts actually makes our relationship stronger. That way we never have to question the spending habits of each other. I know he'll spend and budget his money, and he trusts me to do the same. I judge him less than if his spending was encroaching on my spending. It's not because we don't trust each other, but rather because we trust each other. It's just an easy way of fairly dividing things (we earn roughly the same amount).
I respectfully disagree Millie. Full and complete co-mingling of all funds forces transparency and negotiation/cooperation regarding income and spending. Co-mingling acknowledges that your partner could utterly destroy you financially, but it provides equality in opportunity for both partners to be fully "in" the game, fully together, to make it work. Think about it this way; if you are truly and fully committed, you are vulnerable, as is your partner, but that also creates an incredible strength of knowing that you will always be there for each other. The submission I spoke of earlier, part of that is the vulnerability that comes with being fully "in this thing" in every aspect. My wife could take every penny and could devastate me, tomorrow, if she wanted. I am willing to submit myself to the point that I fully understand that could happen. You have to be so confident in yourself, and in your love of that other person, that you can accept that they could destroy you. Likewise, my wife could suffer a crushing injury or sudden illness tomorrow and I am prepared to take care of her for the rest of my days. I believe and hope that she feels the same way. That's where these things become real. Are you prepared to physically take care of your partner for the rest of your lives if need be? Long term commitment can really only work if both are at that level of submission and commitment.
MillieK wrote:
Whiite Trash wrote:Marriage only works, really works, when both are truly committed, no matter what, short of gross infidelity or abuse, until death. If both aren't fully in, it cannot work. I'm amazed at how many I know who are not genuinely committed, keep separate finances, hedge in other ways, even in discussion make it known that "people drift apart", etc. If you are married but believe that people drift apart, or aren't prepared to stay with your partner, no matter what, until one of you is gone, if you maintain separate finances, you are not truly married. You can't win it until you are in it, no holds barred. I believe that the magic to be found in marriage comes through that complete submission to the other, to the relationship, the 100% commitment to making it work. It simply doesn't work otherwise.
While I agree that both have to be 100% committed, I don't think this has to mean completely sharing finances. My husband and I would do anything to benefit our marriage, but I think having separate bank accounts actually makes our relationship stronger. That way we never have to question the spending habits of each other. I know he'll spend and budget his money, and he trusts me to do the same. I judge him less than if his spending was encroaching on my spending. It's not because we don't trust each other, but rather because we trust each other. It's just an easy way of fairly dividing things (we earn roughly the same amount).
I whole heartedly agree with your statement about sharing/open/joint accounts, it allows trust in the finance area but doesn't stop a couple from splitting or ending the marriage. We had joint accounts and I paid our bills. During our divorce process he still had trust in me in regards to finances therefore he didn't try to screw me over. Everything was fairly transparent. But then again he could have hid some money in a Swiss bank or so but I think we both trusted each other when it came to splitting the assets.
I know couples where only one spouse/partner knew/did the finance and the other one got screwed over...
We have separate accounts and a joint account that we contribute to for all shared expenses. I contribute 75% more than my wife does so that we have the same amount of savings/personal spending money. That gives us total freedom to spend as we like, gamble, shop, donate to our favorite causes, etc, without having to feel guilty or judgmental. It also acknowledges that we are independent human beings. Neither of us would have it any other way. And neither of us feel that the marriage is anything less than rock solid.
I don't get the comments about trust. Our arrangement doesn't require any more or less trust. One could still "destroy" the other, but we know each other well enough not to worry about that.
"Submission," has no place in a respectful relationship, IMO. I'm sure it's not too you, but to be that sounds utterly creepy.
webby wrote:
"Submission," has no place in a respectful relationship, IMO. I'm sure it's not too you, but to be that sounds utterly creepy.
...said the man who isn't fully committed. Oh, and thanks for the mansplaining of the fact that you put more money into your shared account than your wife. She would surely appreciate you advertising that. Dick. Hopefully she's already banging the mailman and stashing cash.
Hmmmm... wrote:
webby wrote:"Submission," has no place in a respectful relationship, IMO. I'm sure it's not too you, but to be that sounds utterly creepy.
...said the man who isn't fully committed. Oh, and thanks for the mansplaining of the fact that you put more money into your shared account than your wife. She would surely appreciate you advertising that. Dick. Hopefully she's already banging the mailman and stashing cash.
1. Why would she care if you knew that I contribute more because I makes more? Do you believe that the higher earner is a better person?
2. This is an anonymous message board. We are not actually the Webby family.
You have a sad outlook on life if you equate commitment with submission.
So true and yet.... wrote:
I know couples where only one spouse/partner knew/did the finance and the other one got screwed over...
Supposedly in certain states the courts can overturn these tricks, Swiss bank accounts, etc.
And you are a stupid Phhuuuuk if you cannot comprehend what the other poster meant. Learn a little nuance in your language. Oh, and yes, your wife is banging the mailman and tag teaming with your best friend while you're way, douchhe bag.
webby wrote:
Hmmmm... wrote:...said the man who isn't fully committed. Oh, and thanks for the mansplaining of the fact that you put more money into your shared account than your wife. She would surely appreciate you advertising that. Dick. Hopefully she's already banging the mailman and stashing cash.
1. Why would she care if you knew that I contribute more because I makes more? Do you believe that the higher earner is a better person?
2. This is an anonymous message board. We are not actually the Webby family.
You have a sad outlook on life if you equate commitment with submission.