Divorced Folks: Did you ever believe that divorce/infidelity was absolutely impossible for you?

When I was in my 30s I never ever considered my marriage would run its course before one of us died. But as you get older things indeed change. We had no flashpoint such as infidelity, just a slow realization that living together was holding each us of us back. Change is a constant. You can fight it or embrace it. Too many people stay married because even a tired old relationship can feel safe. But what a trade off.

Dad getting divorced... again wrote:I cannot imagine ever cheating on my bride or leaving her.

What happens when she cheats on you? Women cheat, just like men.

Per the other post, people change. Hopefully, you change together.

50s guy here. Not divorced, but might be soon. Never considered cheating on my wife or leaving her or divorce. And she had said through the years that she greatly admired the fact that I was trustworthy. Just found out a few months ago that she was cheating on me. It's ruined my life. It's sucked the joy out of everything I do. Everything.

0a9we8jang-9aub wrote:

50s guy here. Not divorced, but might be soon. Never considered cheating on my wife or leaving her or divorce. And she had said through the years that she greatly admired the fact that I was trustworthy. Just found out a few months ago that she was cheating on me. It's ruined my life. It's sucked the joy out of everything I do. Everything.

Damn thats pretty tough man. Did you already have an idea that she was or at least think of her as the type of person who might? Or was it completely out of the blue when you found out? My gf is a good person but at the same time she is kind of weak willed so I've wondered if its something she would ever do.

Eggshell white wrote:

0a9we8jang-9aub wrote:

50s guy here. Not divorced, but might be soon. Never considered cheating on my wife or leaving her or divorce. And she had said through the years that she greatly admired the fact that I was trustworthy. Just found out a few months ago that she was cheating on me. It's ruined my life. It's sucked the joy out of everything I do. Everything.

Damn thats pretty tough man. Did you already have an idea that she was or at least think of her as the type of person who might? Or was it completely out of the blue when you found out? My gf is a good person but at the same time she is kind of weak willed so I've wondered if its something she would ever do.

I too had some sour romance full of cheating. It made me angry, emotional, competitive and turned me into a nymphomaniac.

I generally enjoy being around my wife and don't think about divorce. I also don't think it will never happen.

Things change. I can see why people cheat. I haven't flirted with anyone or had anyone flirt with me in 15 years. I miss that initial physical desire. I wouldn't even know how to date or care to put in all the effort I once did into dating. Really I don't have the time to cheat or the desire.

Cheating aside or some other bomb people do drift apart.

Trust & communication before marriage and after was the problem, then change of life style from starting out barely making it to too much success. Going from down to earth to superficial was not in the cards for me. I stayed the same and he changed. I'm not bitter nor angry about it, I'm just sorry that it didn't work out for the kids. But then again I wasn't happy and neither was he because we both wanted something different. I wanted to be marry to someone who wanted to be part of a family first rather than spend so much time with his buddies. I felt they were more important than me at times. I'm ready to move on now. I've learned a lot about myself, the marriage and now the divorce. Divorce was amicable and I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life and if in the near future I find someone that's great but if I don't then I'm ok with it too. I want to think I have a lot to offer. I will be more picky and not just settle...

Dad getting divorced... again wrote:

My dad is about to go through his 3rd divorce. I once thought that because of his infidelity, I should not get married. (Maybe infidelity is genetic? Lol). I finally understood that I can choose to not be an @$$hole, and have been very happily married for twelvish years. I cannot imagine ever cheating on my bride or leaving her.

So, divorced folks: did you ever feel the same way I do? Like you could/would never divorce your wife? Or, in the back of your head, did you always consider divorce as an "out" if things got tough?

PS- after rereading my intro, I am not saying that because my dad happens to have been an @$$hole in the past, everyone who is divorced is an @$$hole. Apologies if it came out that way.

Since I am a virgin I think it's very probable that I would be true to someone I married.

Seriously. You should talk to your father about this rather than a bunch of anonymous strangers.

Flounder wrote:

Seriously. You should talk to your father about this rather than a bunch of anonymous strangers.

I have considered it... and I still might. It just seems like a sh!tty thing to ask him, lol.

Holding us back from what?

Tcpip_Runfree wrote:

turned me into a nymphomaniac.

Tell me more....

Doclove wrote:

Holding us back from what?

The pursuit of our aspirations.

E. Bonix wrote:

Doclove wrote:

Holding us back from what?

The pursuit of our aspirations.

Both of my parents re-married, and re-divorced, twice. So when I got married I assumed it would be a five or ten year deal. Twelve so far... can't say marriage has messed with pursuit of my aspirations, but kids certainly have. Can't divorce from them!

E. Bonix wrote:

When I was in my 30s I never ever considered my marriage would run its course before one of us died. But as you get older things indeed change. We had no flashpoint such as infidelity, just a slow realization that living together was holding each us of us back. Change is a constant. You can fight it or embrace it. Too many people stay married because even a tired old relationship can feel safe. But what a trade off.

Too many people don't understand what a commitment marriage is. That's the whole point, not to change. You know - for better or worse, thick and thin, good times and bad times, sickness and in health.

Sure, abuse or infidelity are deal breakers but not much else.

John Utah wrote:

E. Bonix wrote:

When I was in my 30s I never ever considered my marriage would run its course before one of us died. But as you get older things indeed change. We had no flashpoint such as infidelity, just a slow realization that living together was holding each us of us back. Change is a constant. You can fight it or embrace it. Too many people stay married because even a tired old relationship can feel safe. But what a trade off.

Too many people don't understand what a commitment marriage is. That's the whole point, not to change. You know - for better or worse, thick and thin, good times and bad times, sickness and in health.

Sure, abuse or infidelity are deal breakers but not much else.

You Mormons are cute.

John Utah wrote:

E. Bonix wrote:

When I was in my 30s I never ever considered my marriage would run its course before one of us died. But as you get older things indeed change. We had no flashpoint such as infidelity, just a slow realization that living together was holding each us of us back. Change is a constant. You can fight it or embrace it. Too many people stay married because even a tired old relationship can feel safe. But what a trade off.

Too many people don't understand what a commitment marriage is. That's the whole point, not to change. You know - for better or worse, thick and thin, good times and bad times, sickness and in health.

Sure, abuse or infidelity are deal breakers but not much else.

Objectively why is infidelity such a big deal breaker? I cheated on my girlfriend and it actually has made our relationship way better. Look up the science - cheating doesn't always mean you don't love the people you're with. It's just hard for people to get over the jealousy, but honestly in terms of being unfaithful there are much worse things like being financially unfaithful or emotionally unfaithful? My girlfriend cheated on her ex and it did bother me a little until I did it and realized it's not that big of a deal, and I actually love her more because of it. It may sound complicated to you folks but the science shows I'm right. What say you?

*Note: I was a super conservative Christian that was very anal about everything from drinking to smoking to sex, and it was ruining us. My girlfriend helped me relax about those things and now I'm much kinder and empathetic overall to people. And cheating has actually made me more understanding of people - in a way it humbles you and I think that has made me a better boyfriend/person. I'm not recommending it, but I think it's not all black and white.

Dad getting divorced... again wrote:

My dad is about to go through his 3rd divorce. I once thought that because of his infidelity, I should not get married. (Maybe infidelity is genetic? Lol). I finally understood that I can choose to not be an @$$hole, and have been very happily married for twelvish years. I cannot imagine ever cheating on my bride or leaving her.

So, divorced folks: did you ever feel the same way I do? Like you could/would never divorce your wife? Or, in the back of your head, did you always consider divorce as an "out" if things got tough?

PS- after rereading my intro, I am not saying that because my dad happens to have been an @$$hole in the past, everyone who is divorced is an @$$hole. Apologies if it came out that way.

You are married. Your wife wants to cheat but can't. Do you:

a) Let her cheat and you guys are then happy

b) Don't let her cheat and slowly let her rot

Most people pick b for some weird reason and I don't understand why. Like seriously people change and if you had to pick what would it be?

ThoughtXperiment wrote:

You are married. Your wife wants to cheat but can't. Do you:

a) Let her cheat and you guys are then happy

b) Don't let her cheat and slowly let her rot

Although some people -- I would bet a vast minority -- could handle that situation, in most cases it would lead to extreme jealousy and would end up destroying the marriage in any case. Even if both people are openly "cheating," i.e. in an open marriage.

I would argue that for the institution to work it has to be all or nothing. I think the proper question, therefore, is whether the institution makes sense. It's a religious thing that we've turned into a societal norm for no reason other than the fact that it was an established religious thing. And it does seem to go against basic human nature.