Steven Wright. Unique material, unique delivery, and a musician as well.
[Bored-to-death voice, long pauses]:
I have a really great seashell collection.
I keep it scattered on the beaches of the world.
Maybe you've seen it.
________________________________________________
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect." So I stopped practicing.
________________________________________________
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.