Sister is an alcoholic. Have reluctantly cut her out of my life.

Ok, walk away, nice wrote:

My wife is an addictions counsellor. You go ahead and believe family members walking away is the right path and doesn't make you the dick. Relationships aren't always easy, especially with family. But, if your family is not there for you, who is? Well, people like my wife who helps the abandoned. Again, while you prefer to walk away from your loved ones, in terms of successful rehab, a positive supper network can absolutely makes a difference. It's nice that you'll only be three for your family if it's easy. But, I'm the dick. Right.

Trying to help can detract from the helper's ability to do the other things that they should be doing in life. If helping a sibling means that I'm exposing my kids to things they shouldn't be exposed to and that I am too emotionally and physically exhausted to be the best parent I can be, then I'm cutting ties with that sibling without hesitation.

Your wife sees the addict's side, which is reasonable given her profession. She's not directly exposed to the rest of the cost-benefit analysis, though. When she expects a family member to be present, she doesn't have to consider the cost to that family member and to the people who the family member is directly responsible for. Sure, it could help the sister for the brother to be around. But if the cost to the brother and everyone he's responsible for exceeds the benefit to the sister, then there's no reason for him to stick around.

[quote]another woman wrote:

Encourage her to get professional counseling, and tell her you are very leery of visiting with her unless she is sober. Also tell her you have reached the point at which you must consider cutting her off entirely if she cannot be sober in your presence.

[quote]

Or... Encourage your sister to get help -- could be counseling, AA, books, online support. Tell her that you are not willing to be around her when she is drunk and that if she's constantly drunk in your presence, then she is choosing this habit over a relationship with you. Be firm but fair. See what happens. No threats, no "if you/then I" ultimatums or manipulations. Tell her that you will support her efforts to change in any way you can. Then let go and leave it in her hands.

I made this very same choice with my brother. I'd visit. If he was drunk, I'd head for the door. Years went by with minimal contact but I didn't cut him out unless he was actively using in my presence. And then after being sober for some time --you saw this coming --he kicked ME out of his life for things that he "remembered" I had done. Things that were so outlandish/weird that the rest of the family laughs. Everyone thinks it's funny/pathetic except for me. I'm livid!

You never know how this will roll out. I say, step back with kindness. Leave things in HER hands, but be prepared for levels of weird going forward. My experience is that people who are out of control with drugs/alcohol are often way more unstable in other realms and anything can happen.

Good luck to you. This is not an easy one.

Sorry for the bold....

Wow, i would listen to this advice.

Aside from providing you with conversation that doesn't interest you, I am not sure how your sisters drinking is really negatively affecting you. Seems to extreme to cut her out of your life simply because you don't want to hear about her roomates.

another woman wrote:

Yes it does. That is a lot of damn beer. If you are casually drinking eight beers at a go you are an alcoholic and don't want to admit it.

Encourage her to get professional counseling, and tell her you are very leery of visiting with her unless she is sober. Also tell her you have reached the point at which you must consider cutting her off entirely if she cannot be sober in your presence.

Hillary 2016 wrote:

Drinking 8 beers on one night doesn't make someone an alcoholic. Are you sure that's the real problem here, or is it your need to be treated like the special person that you are.

Don't interject your style of drinking into the conversation. The op didn't say anything about casual drinking, just that she drank 8 beers one night and wouldn't listen to him winge about himself as a high maintenance individual. She's probably glad to be tied of him.

The op has yet to offer definitive proof of her alcoholism.

another woman wrote:

Yes it does. That is a lot of damn beer. If you are casually drinking eight beers at a go you are an alcoholic and don't want to admit it.

Encourage her to get professional counseling, and tell her you are very leery of visiting with her unless she is sober. Also tell her you have reached the point at which you must consider cutting her off entirely if she cannot be sober in your presence.

Hillary 2016 wrote:

Drinking 8 beers on one night doesn't make someone an alcoholic. Are you sure that's the real problem here, or is it your need to be treated like the special person that you are.

I could do this today and never had another drop of beer for months to years. This is binge drinking. If you do this on a regular basis then yes you are an alcoholic. A large male who weighs 200 pounds and watches 3 football games on a Saturday or Sunday can easily do this and barely be over the legal limit if they space out the beers.

its your choice but wrote:

I cut my sister out of my life because of her drug addiction. She did a lot of things to prompt this but, the biggest thing was she couldn't stay sober. She was hooked on booze and pills. I didn't see her for two years and then she overdosed.

The amount of grief I felt over losing my sister and the remorse I felt for cutting her out of my life was huge.

Unfortunately, I can directly relate to this. Lost my oldest brother last year and the "what ifs" are nonstop. I'm not sure I really could have done anything to prevent the inevitable, but the thought is constantly on my mind.

another woman wrote:

Yes it does. That is a lot of damn beer. If you are casually drinking eight beers at a go you are an alcoholic and don't want to admit it.

Encourage her to get professional counseling, and tell her you are very leery of visiting with her unless she is sober. Also tell her you have reached the point at which you must consider cutting her off entirely if she cannot be sober in your presence.

Hillary 2016 wrote:

Drinking 8 beers on one night doesn't make someone an alcoholic. Are you sure that's the real problem here, or is it your need to be treated like the special person that you are.

Stereotypical. Why do you feel the need to interject your personal opinion and sheltered life experiences as facts? I'm not going to go into it anymore as others have said, but learn when to zip it. You're wrong.

My brother is addicted to k2. He's 55 yrs old. I just picked him up today from a detox stay at a hospital. He was hospitalized after my Dad and I took him to the ER. we've tried to help so many times. He would seriously be homeless if we didn't care about him. We bought him a mobile home to live in, I bought him a used car and he blew up the engine. My Dad then bought him another used car and he blew up the engine in that one. -- both times the water leaked out and he never checked the water levels. After being without a car for a few months my 96 yr old grandmother bought him another used car. we've helped him find doctors, taken him to doctor appts, bought things that he needs, taken him to lunches and dinners to get him out of the house, suggested great volunteer opportunities, and bought him 2 rescue dogs for companionship. He still gets high on K2 and it will one day kill him.

Hillary 2016 wrote:

another woman wrote:

Yes it does. That is a lot of damn beer. If you are casually drinking eight beers at a go you are an alcoholic and don't want to admit it.

Encourage her to get professional counseling, and tell her you are very leery of visiting with her unless she is sober. Also tell her you have reached the point at which you must consider cutting her off entirely if she cannot be sober in your presence.

Don't interject your style of drinking into the conversation. The op didn't say anything about casual drinking, just that she drank 8 beers one night and wouldn't listen to him winge about himself as a high maintenance individual. She's probably glad to be tied of him.

The op has yet to offer definitive proof of her alcoholism.

The point of my post was not to offer definitive proof of her alcoholism. This may come as a shock to you, but I have a bit more information about the whole thing than you do. My short story about a single occasion was not meant to be definitive proof, just an example of what our relationship has been like for the past 5 or 6 years. She gets sht-faced multiple times per week every week and doesn't seem to be able to stop drinking once she starts. Going out to the bars is all she ever wants to do.

What you and many others don't seem to get even though I stated it in my OP is that she does not even think she has a problem, so any suggestion to help her get treatment doesn't make any sense. How do you help someone get treatment when they have no desire to get treatment? You cannot force another adult to do things unless it's court-ordered. If she does not think she has a problem, she will not seek treatment. Multiple people have told her she's an alcoholic. She finds these accusations bizarre and ridiculous. She thinks she's totally normal.

I encourage you to be thankful for your easy life as you've made it clear you have no experience with such things. Generally it's best not to weigh in too heavily on matters you don't understand. Just a tip for future reference.

Wouldn't it click in that this guy can't own a car. Just buy him a bicycle or a motor scooter. Anybody that is abusing narcotics shouldn't have a valid license anyway, they are a menace to themselves and others with 2000 pound vehicle.

I would try and speak to her about it, maybe by sending an email or a letter so she can read it by herself and digest it and has less potential to go wrong than a confrontation. Put in the bits about how she was a great sister growing up and that you miss how your relationship was (if you do) and how you'd like to be close again. I would try to explain how you felt like she didn't care to hear your news and stuff like that but keep it positive and focus on how you'd like things to be.

I don't think you can stop her drinking if she thinks it's totally normal and not a problem but I think you could ask if you spend time together that she doesn't get shitfaced around you but I don't know how that will work out. Does she drink every day or is it binge drinking on those occasions?

I have a dear friend whose behaviour last year when she was shitfaced was so bad we aren't friends any more. She is an alcoholic though. The sweetest person when she's sober and then frightening when drunk. I feel bad I walked away and after reading this thread am going to try to mend things. I've got to say she scared the shit out of me though (I almost had to call the police).

This opinion is going to be unpopular based on previous responses, but it's my take.

In a situation like this, I think you're doing exactly what you should. She is a grown adult, as are you. Her decision to live her life in a reckless manner, is her decision. What obligation do you have to go out of your way to "help" her with something she deems not be a problem? What obligation do you have to put up with someone that doesn't reciprocate anything in the relationship? The fact that she's family? Please. Everyone sitting here blaming the OP for being a dick must have pretty awesome families. I've been burned by my family members before, seen my girlfriend of 10 years (I say this to vet the seriousness of our relationship) get burned by her piece of shit family during her mothers fatal fight with cancer. Family can be pieces of shit. It's just the way it is. Because they share genetics with you doesn't in-debt them to our good will for the rest of our lives. Screw that.

As far as I'm concerned. We all are entitled to live our own lives, good or bad. Family or otherwise. But those decisions have repercussions. Make them at your own peril. It's childish for anyone to think one adult owes another adult person for anything in this life.

To me, you're sister deserves whatever relationship you want to have with her. When/if she changes her lifestyle to that of a functioning adult/caring sister, I'm sure you'd be happy to reciprocate at that point. Makes perfect sense to me. Carry on OP.

Getting rid of the cancer is smart.

Ok, walk away, nice wrote:

My wife is an addictions counsellor.

How nice for you. Maybe she can tell you about the lying, stealing, 'borrowing', bailing them out of jail, the chaos and damage to their kids. Not one bit of reflection or "hey, this is really messed up. I better change things.." until they burn through all their non-addict relations.

You clearly have no addiction experience.

This is the right answer. Most of the other suggestions in this thread fall under the heading of "enabling", and that hurts rather than helps the alcoholic's chances of recovery. She's an adult. Let her live with the consequences of her actions, as we all do. Maybe she'll hit rock bottom, come to her senses, and make the necessary changes. To be honest with you, that's unlikely, as most alcoholics die drunk. Certainly not all, but most. Meanwhile, you might look into Al-Anon. Best wishes to you.

Chiming in on the debate about alcoholism, not the OP's situation. (Though, I agree you should try to help your sister but be prepared to withdraw your presence.) OK, so in high school and college, I used to go out with my friends pretty regularly and get way too drunk. That was the culture I was a part of, and, even though I periodically did things I regret, I continued. Everyone else I knew did the same. After college, I mainly drank a couple beers on my own with a few binges per year. Maybe more like 7 or 8 the first year out, where I blacked out and acted like an ass, then reduced down to probably once per year the last two years. I'm 30. I do go out to bars maybe once every two weeks and have maybe 5 or 6 but I usually feel only a little tipsy and wake up feeling fresh. I drink one or two glasses of wine most nights. Anyways, last week, I went out with grad school buddies (they literally go out pretty hard 3-5 times a week) and, without meaning to, got totally wrecked. I forgot to eat dinner, got talked into tequila shots, completely lost control, and woke up in the ERnwith an IV in. The overwhelming shame and embarrassing made it difficult to go out in public for a couple days. But then a few nights after it happened, I had 3 glasses of wine. Obviously didn't get drunk, but...serious question...should I be worried?

Yes, binge drinking is bad for your health and can lead to eventual alcoholism. Sometimes it takes years before you become a lush but there is a time when the behaviour blurs. I had this too(not the passing out part). Hey I drink hard on Fridays then Saturdays, then Thursdays and then I had to check myself as it would have been most of the week and probably the early stages of alcoholism.