Did anyone here grow up with a psychopath in the family?

I can relate wrote:

Good luck. I don't think therapists help that much. I think distance does.

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Aside from the last line, which I can sympathize with but think is too cynical and myopic, this is a great post for a number of reasons:

1. Apropos personal story that clearly rings true

2. Detailed, accurate assessment of the unchangeability and madness of the other person/situation

3. Offers some real-life examples of how to cope (i. move away, do not contact, and take care of yourself, ii. protect yourself and wife by being realistic about the madness of the situation, iii. hold down employment if possible)

As someone who suffers with a very difficult sibling who has, among many behaviors, threatened to kill me and who is basically "enabled" by my parents despite their knowing about his behavior and how it affects me, I will say that therapy CAN help.

"I can relate" has been able to cope well. But if he wasn't able to distance himself and support himself, where should he turn? Therapy can help. Ideally it's a supplement to a manageable practical life. But complex PTSD, a condition that often renders life's practicalities unmanageable, is probably a pretty generally accurate way of describing what we're talking about here. Many of the best therapeutic clinicians and theorists nowadays say that PTSD caused by subtle and chronic "abuse"/manipulation is provably more likely to be difficult to deal with than PTSD from a single explosion or event. In other words: if we have the technology to treat trauma (which we do, in the form of a good practitioner and a reliable and researched practice, such as EMDR and maybe even therapeutic use of psychedelics), then single-event major traumas are often much easier and simpler to treat than more deeply-rooted, pervasive abuse patterns.

Look into EMDR, used in conjunction with a therapy that has some sort of orientation with the body, such as CBT or DBT, which teach you to systematically monitor thoughts and body sensations and imagery. In this way, you may be able to train yourself away from debilitating patterns that are harbored both in your mind and in your body/nervous system.

It's amazing how these boards can transform into very understanding and wise places, when someone is sincere and in need of help (as long as you can ignore the Clinton conspiratist trolls). If you have posted here multiple times, then I also say: keep going if it helps! You're getting a lot of good feedback here. But, yes, as others have said, seek counseling too!!

not a sibling but my mother.

Get counseling. It doesn't mean you are weak. It actually requires quite a bit of strength to say "I need someone to help me develop the skills to be able to help myself".

Just my opinion. You are not damaged from life. You are not damaged at all. You are wounded. You have to heal. You can't do it by yourself. Because your wounded(or damaged) you can't address the situation as skillfully because what you would use to address the situation is damaged. It's like trying to bite your own teeth. Which is why I recommend counseling.

I have had a bunch of suicides in my family. Not happy. I'm not suicidal though.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds a lot like mine. I appreciate everyone's replies.

To expand on my story a bit, my brother also has schizophrenia or bipolar... He has never been formally evaluated so I don't know which it is as he has exhibits traits from both conditions. He started drinking and smoking weed pretty heavily around the age of 16, and things kept progressing and progressing until he became a meth addict and would compulsively consume any drug in front of him. He showed up at my sister's boyfriend's house one time, went to the bathroom and downed half a bottle of NyQuil. Another time he showed up at my sister's place, found a six pack of beer, and consumed them all in under 45 minutes while she was busy with other things. Now his brain is fried, so he'e able to dress himself and wipe himself but not a whole lot else. He's still violent, angry, and enjoys harming other people, and this combined with his fried brain makes me think it's only a matter of time before he actually does kill someone. Luckily for the world he apparently isn't a very good fighter because out of the 50 or so fights he's started in his life, he's almost always been on the losing end, getting bottles broken across his face and smashed in the head with rocks. Apparently the other people involved felt pretty threatened.

My sister experienced a major mental breakdown in her late 20s and has had severe bipolar disorder ever since. She is a functional alcoholic but seems to have been on a gradual downward spiral ever since her first breakdown... I'm not sure she'll be able to support herself much longer as she has not been able to hold down even minimum wage jobs the last 2 years. I used to think it was just bad genetic luck, but the more I think about it, the more I talk to her and listen to her and read therapy books, the more I think my brother and parents had to do with her losing her mind. She talks about our childhood a lot, the abuse from my brother and the unfairness and apathy exhibited by my parents.

Over the last year I have recognized that I have a very tough time bonding to anyone. Even people that I'm supposed to love I feel mostly indifferent too. This really bothers me because somewhere inside I know I care about them, but I just don't experience the emotions I should. I will date girls, but they always complain that I'm too distant, unaffectionate, and hard to get to know. Even though I have friends, I really consider myself a loner and a wanderer. I want to eventually have a wife and kids, but I'm not sure if it will ever happen as I need a ton of alone time and just being around others wears me out. I also really struggle with confrontation, and I think it's because any perceived confrontation I had with my brother growing up lead to him beating me, so I learned to just be silent, keep to myself, and be a pleaser.

One of the positive things from all of this is that I am very independent and self-sufficient. I became this way because I had to be. My brother was out of his mind and threatened to kill me on multiple occasions when I was in high school, and my parents never did anything about it. These were the years where I think my ability to love kind of got destroyed because my parents were putting me in harms way and weren't listening to me or protecting me at all, and my sibling in the house who I was supposed to love was instead a constant source of either fear or uneasiness. My parents actually blamed me any time I was the victim of my brother because I should have known he was going to do X, Y, or Z. I was 16. I had nowhere else to go. There was no escape.

After leaving home my life got better, but even now in my late 20s I find that what I think in relationships and the emotions (or lack of) I experience in relationships are very different than most people, and this has really hindered me in some parts of my life. I also get very depressed around major holidays because it just brings up all the memories of trauma and the reality that I don't have a family. I actually think being an orphan would be better because at least then family was just absent rather than destructive and abusive.

Thank you all for the replies... Sorry if this post was pretty wordy. Obviously I never talk about this stuff to anyone, so there's kind of a lot to get out, which is probably why I post about it every once in awhile on here.

I can relate. I just had to call the cops today because I had to put a stop to bullying from my older brother who I'm living with. I've had such pressures all my life and like you, they shaped, me too, into someone who has hypercompensated by thinking and planning deeply, being sensitive to injustice and bad behavior and phoniness and having a desire for deep social relationships which are just not easy to come by under most circumstances, in our fast paced competitive society that divides and in which resources are not all in one place. Getting therapy is not easy. Some people made some good very specific suggestions. I have seen a few therapists about my current situation, abuse, financial exploitation, poverty, etc. and they haven't been doing a good job (just doing a good job taking the money for the services). Many people will simply say, here are some numbers to call, which I've already called. When I get rich, I'll provide funding for more shelters and support for people in yours and mine situation, but the reality is they don't really exist, except maybe for a select few women in severe domestic abuse cases, in good markets. First, one has to have backup plans and financial independence. And that is easier said than done since our free enterprise system is full of challenges, unfairness in letting people apply and develop their skills and cutthroat competition and exploitation, as well. Spiritual and religious study can also help, since organized religion and adherents and communities, although at their best can be socially supportive, are in my opinion, failing and perpetuating negative lifestyles and institutions. What I'm saying, do some spiritual and religious study on your own and find admirable characters throughout history to increase your morale and hope. Most therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists should be on this Saintly level, I might add, but they are far from it.

I've always felt insecure, not on a social petty level but on a very serious existential level, because of my struggles and trauma and abuse and misdiagnoses and people who weren't supportive but added insult to injury. I too have had trouble in romantic relationships, because what really pushes my buttons and what I want is a woman who is strong, free thinking, powerful, noble as well as tender and wholesome, who can love me like a mother and child and bring me back to the happiness I saw in society when I was in childhood. These types of folk are hard to come by and hard to win. A person who would be caring enough to traumatized soul warriors like ourselves, probably has their own struggles and issues that made them tender and strong in the first place. There are a good number of people who can be ideal candidates, but few are so successful as to overcome personal interest. Even as I've been working on financial success and long term financial planning, and on being a social gentleman, it is easier said than done to bring these things together to satisfy a high calibur woman, even while I am struggling with so many other things. Oh well!

In my case the bully was my 250 pound ex football player dad.

Don't waste your time with therapy; it is useless and can set you way back.

Counseling can be good, provided you find the right kind that can help.

Better than counseling is sharing with friends, in relationships, and with anyone, in different ways depending on who it is and the circumstances. This thread and ones like it are good examples of sharing that is helpful.

J.R. wrote:

In my case the bully was my 250 pound ex football player dad.

Don't waste your time with therapy; it is useless and can set you way back.

Counseling can be good, provided you find the right kind that can help.

Better than counseling is sharing with friends, in relationships, and with anyone, in different ways depending on who it is and the circumstances. This thread and ones like it are good examples of sharing that is helpful.

Ok, let's clarify. Sharing with friends and relations in little bits that are appropriate is good. "This happened to me. and I'm effed-up as a result" is an example of good. Good boundaries are key here.

The point of therapy to have goals like "I want to be able to sustain an intimate relationship" in therapy and find someone that is "good." That's not easy to identify. I wish it were easier than that. Generally, shop around for 6 or so sessions.

Later, bringing powerful emotional issues into a room is important work. The idea is to get to a place where: "This is my first response, but since my relationship radar is broken, I'm taking a few days/hours to sort out what's happening today vs. what happened in my past." Along the way is messy, emotional times if you have a decent therapist/counselor.

I'm not an expert, only have limited experience and at the "other end" such that lots of years have passed and there's distance between the events and who I am now.

Good luck.

If you're effed-up, then go to a therapist and they'll mess you up more.

If you're somewhat normal, talk about the issues with helpful people and move on.

I think the OP and I have talked on here before about our very similar families. I used to think my meth addict brother was a psychopath because he had many characteristics of one: he lied constantly, never thought about anything beyond the short-term, and was indifferent to the severe harm and suffering he caused everyone around him. He once kicked a small dog, and an another occasion, assaulted my mother when she was terminally ill with cancer. The only reason I no longer think he is one is because he was extremely emotional and would break down bawling and crying uncontrollably. whereas psychopaths are supposedly cold and unemotional. He was irrational, dishonest, parasitical, psychotic from years of meth abuse, and a product of severe parental enabling, but not a psychopath. I no longer speak to him, but my dad tells me he is doing better now that my mom is dead and no longer able to give him hundreds of dollars for meth and pay some sleazebag lawyer to get him off every time he gets arrested. My dad is an enabler too, but nowhere near as bad. I couldn't care less, he caused me so much agony in those years I never want to see him again.

My father caused a great deal of pain. I am not sure he was a psychopath, but he is in the ballpark. He is a very successful business guy - boundaries which I would typically observe don't faze him a bit.

My brother and I were serious high school runners, 4:07 and 4:09 milers. We both went to school on athletic scholarship, with only modest success in college. We were entirely on our own at age 18 -financially, emotionally - everything, and did not eat well, live well, or balance academics well (we were very good students), but made it through, focusing on somehow too taking care of our mother, a really abused and fragile person.

My father, a man once well known in track circles before he went into business, would beat us bloody if we did not run well. I think his motivation went beyond living vicariously through his sons (although a part) - he really didn't want to pay college tuition or expenses - he didn't see the value in paying tuition and doing so would have infringed on his philandering, always a priority with him. He was and is very well off, but cannot control his spending, and is really self-centered. Rolex watches for him, for his girlfriends, the Mercedes, the expensive country clubs, they are objects of desperate, maniacal desire, to the point where he is often angry and irrational in his pursuit of such things. I likely make as much money now as he ever did, but poured my dough into Ivy League educations for my daughters and in spoiling them. It simply made me happy. (By the way, my father was an excellent athlete in his college days, but got thrown out of two schools for criminal behavior, finally finishing somehow with a PE degree at a mediocre state school).

The violence was significant - I am certain I was the only 9:24 9th grader two miler running with a big gash in the back of my head after it was beaten against the basement wall. I thought my times were pretty good until I learned of Eric Hulst's exploits. When Hulst died way too young, the descriptions of him as a kind, gentle and courageous soul really hit me hard - ok - maybe the 9:04 freshman two miler was what I somewhat wanted to be - but I really wanted to be the kind and gentle and humble soul. It has been a lifetime of work, and I have a long way to go still.

My father abused and beat my mother too - who reacted throughout my early teen and teen years by being in a constant stupor through severe drug and alcohol addiction. One of my teammate's parents essentially fed me throughout my high school years. My mother never left for our safety, although she should have. I reluctantly have let her off the hook over the years because she was so frightened by the abuse. My brother has not let her off the hook - he rightly sees it as child and teen abuse but the situation was just too daunting for her. She has cried herself to sleep at night for years over her parenting and drug and alcohol problems - I don't want her to feel pain, and no matter what, my mother is worthy of love.

My father hated me far more than my brother because I would not submit easily, and I spent my youth being called dumb, fat and lazy. Oddly, it made it easier for me to disengage. I never really communicated with my father past age 16, and well, I did not see poverty as poverty but freedom from abuse and opportunity. Accordingly, I don't hate him at this point, I just stay away. He actually likes it that way, as he thinks that given my academic achievements at the nation's best schools, I am a weak kneed elitist snob (my guess is that I intimidate him, really).

My brother was favored and had more trouble breaking away. He and I both became very successful, doing better academically and professionally (both grad and undergrad) than with running. And yes, we paid for it all - a blessing in disguise because it made us both feel really confident. My brother does spend every day hating my father - no doubt an immense motivating factor for him - he is a world renowned Phd economist and investor - but it makes me worry for his health, which is somewhat precarious.

I am no expert on therapy or counseling. My brother has gone through a lot more than I have, even though he was less abused (although still subject to a horrific experience). Abuse damages you. So if you start off behind, whether in terms of development, confidence, sense of self, creation of a moral center, or whatever, whatever assistance gets you to a state where you can obtain the humility to say, look, i am behind through no fault of my own, but I will work on catching up and develop a sense of self which happy people obtain, well, that is a start. During my worst moments I was in a small group counseling setting. One of the women in the group was a young widow who lost her husband in a fighter pilot accident. She was inconsolable. Over time, she repeatedly was simply nice to me - no sexual overtones - just nice - a pat on the back type of thing, a smile, which from her in her grief, made my heart sing. I never knew more than her first name, by design. Her kindness really turned the corner for me - simple kindness made me have enough humility to start really working at being happy. I just needed to be around kind, nice people. So whether serendipitous or not, I think counseling with an open mind can help. You still have to own it - counselors or therapists are only advisers.

I will say to the original poster there is something more pernicious about having a sibling be the problem. Once past infancy and toddler stage, we generally are conditioned to take care of our siblings. Intellectually we can distance ourselves from toxic siblings, but getting rid of the emotional burdens in terms of feeling somehow responsible to fix their awful behavior I think is more difficult. I say this in kindness and hope - I hope you too (and others in a similar situation) find happiness - and remember, runners are more disciplined than most - you likely can find a way.

Summing up wrote:

If you're effed-up, then go to a therapist and they'll mess you up more.

If you're somewhat normal, talk about the issues with helpful people and move on.

Do Scientologists troll regularly?

Thank you for sharing your experience. I would never give in to my dad, and as far as I know was the only one physically abused. My younger brother was probably abused in other ways though we've never talked about it. My mom was probably afraid of him, and didn't know what to do. I was finally able to tell her of things a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't sure if she knew. She cried the entire hour that we talked, kept saying she didn't know and would have made sure such things didn't happen if she had.

This made me feel much better about her and closer, a vital thing for both of us especially as she's in her 90's. I had put off telling her anything due to age, but felt this was the best thing to do and it was, as the past makes sense now and we are closer than we were.

Being around really kind, nice people, especially the women in my life has made all the difference to me, and I carry them with me.

This thread was very helpful to read. Runners are some of the smartest and most compassionate people I know.

Good show.

My family did...

My mother and brother are both psychopaths. I had no hope growing up. Since my mother is a narcissist psychopath, she gave my brother all the education he needed mainly, "How to manipulate and deceive and frame your sister for your acts." My childhood is filled with one trauma after another. My brother has tried to kill me in every way possible, the reason why I have PTSD. My mother tried to end my life in other ways. I'm surprised I even survived. On top of the trauma I received, I've also been the victim of blame. Every single act of aggression they've done in both their lives have been put on my shoulders. Ive been blamed and framed for their wrong doings. Since I'm the youngest in the family I grew up as a child living with PTSD. Society will happily cast away problem children and believe all the crap they've been blamed for. I now don't know if I will ever get through any of this. I don't know where to turn for help. I've been blamed for their mishaps my entire life and people believe everything they hear. It's amazing how a psychopath can ruin your life forever. I'm still trying to heal.

I can relate to this.

My older brother is a complete nutjob, he is 6 years older then me, he used to beat me alot, he used to use me for sex when i was 3yo and yes he was 9yo, 9 year olds can be nuts, he then held me over a bridge in broad daylight threating to kill me if i told anyone he was having sex with me.

He beat me alot, I had alot of bruises in school, so much so the teachers brought up the bruising but because it was my older brother and not my parents beating me the state could not do anything.

I still had alot of fun as a kid, and i dont let me define my life, but he was a complete jerk.

Hes probably a wife beater today, I simply dont know.

I cut off all contact with my family and am changing my surname, my parents were also too blame they did nothing, and yeah the state did nothning.

Its funny, if i said i was being molested as a kid *which i was by several people' they would have put me in a foster home, but weirdly, violence against boys, even extreme violence is kind of allowed.

They even allow coroporal punishment in schools in the USA. its funny though, its completely legal for a 17yo dude to beat the hell out of his 12yo brother repeatedy.

But its illegal for an employer to hit an employee for turning up late etc.

I think anyone who beats children are worst then child sex offenders. Its funny, you see so much hyperbole in the press about child sex offenders but never child beaters, we live in a strange world.

What made me feel better is no contact with my family in anyway whatsoever. My advice too anyone who was beaten up as a kid by an older brother, parent, school, treat them like child sex offenders and have no contact, its the same thing, beating a child is the same as having sex with one.

Oh Michael, what happened to you was so awful and your brother got away with it. Though it's amazing how strong you are and have left that awful past behind you.

My brother is a psychopath too. He has always been selfish all his life but never this bad until our father fell ill and frail this year. He took advantage of him and keeps trying to scam him money. My father can afford to have the best care but my brother denies it. He also uses violence to stop me from caring for our father. Basically he wants him dead asap in the cheapest possible way. I try to plead with him but to no avail. To make matter worse, my evil brother-in-law takes advantage of the situation and has been scamming my father a lot of money too as my father has been in a confused state due to the steroid medication. They have now moved him to a place where I can't even visit him. They are cruel beyond belief. Heartbreaking.

I hope these pychopaths get burned in Hell soon.

It is just so sad that the law does not protect us.

I wished I were as strong as you.

My dad was never officially diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure he was a narcissistic psychopath. He bullied me mentally and physically, and often times, he didn't allow me to speak of have emotions. This type of control has had lasting effects on my mind, body, and soul. I was never able to see just the smallest amount of care or conscious in him. It was all about him and required that others basically worship him. I'm around 50 now and just now feeling like my true self and having moments of brief happiness/joy. Counseling helped me tremendously and the application of boundaries with my dad. When I originally applied some healthy boundaries with him, he would threaten to track me down and shoot me. I have PTSD and often feel anti-people because of what he has done. My prayers go out to all of you that have been abused and bullied by family members.

Did your dad hurt you, too?