Asked to be the best man for a wedding I don't agree with. Best way to handle this situation?

Northwest Runner wrote:I was put on the spot at dinner, I said yes.

The fiancée was too.

for what its worth- My best friend years ago married a woman on a rebound who was emotionally abusive to him. Every time I visited them after the wedding she was worse. They had kids and and she would call him vile names in front of them. I asked her once not to curse out my best friend in front of me and was banned from their home and haven't seen them or heard from the since. I have heard thru the grapevine that they are still together. I still miss my friend.

I was married to a woman who everyone told me was the sweetest most beautiful woman in the world who walked out on me without explanation after 7 years. 3 years later I married a woman who everyone told me was too mean.We've been together 10 years and life is very very good.

You just don't know what it is that attracts people and keeps them together, what needs must be gratified and what drives people apart.

Use your speech at the wedding to bring up your misgivings in a passive aggressive sort of way.

I vote tell him your feelings and don't be best man. If you can't support his decision(for very good reasons) then don't pretend to.

It would be best for you to remain safely ensconced within the confines of your subterranean dwelling rather than venturing out again.

tell him your thoughts, otherwise you are doing him a disservice as his friend!

infidelity and money problems lead to divorce in a majority of couples. you are doing the right thing

voice your concerns to him, one on one, but in the end, he is a man who is responsible for making his own decisions.

Though, being his best man, does show he holds your opinion high. Maybe you can talk him out of a bad decision.

If he decides to go along with the wedding anyway after being put down & abused by his girlfriend, then not much you an do. Some guys like being a beta. Still honor him by being his best man.

I just think it's important that you emphasize nothing will change once they get married. She's not marrying him because she will get better about it. She's marrying him because he's the guy who accepts her the way she is -- as an often unfaithful and abusive woman.

Straw M Thoroughman wrote:

Use your speech at the wedding to bring up your misgivings in a passive aggressive sort of way.

Clear win. Make alls sorts of references to the fact that she is now married but still available.

Or be an adult and a good friend instead of a self absorbed person. Nobody cares if you think the marriage is going to fail.

asfdadsfd wrote:

...be an adult and a good friend instead of a self absorbed person. Nobody cares if you think the marriage is going to fail.

I do. I care very much.

At the risk of alienating him (probably short term or possibly forever) you tell him, 'look, you are my buddy. And I will support you no matter what and I am honored to be your best man but I gotta ask, why now? This lady cheated on you, is in debt, kicked your dog etc. You're my buddy and this stuff still bothers me... Help me understand what it is about this woman and why now rather than next year when she can pull herself out of debt etc?'

Have a few drinks first, so he is more willing to open up. Marriage does not suddenly make everything better. And kids make everything worse if they were bad before. If you are his friend, go to bat for him and see what he is thinking about this girl.

Be his best man. It is not your wedding to agree with. Not going is acting like a 2nd grade girl. Your only valid reason to not be his best man is a destination wedding in another country that you couldn't afford to go to. Other than that, you are being petty. You are not marrying her. You not being his best man is not going to stop him from marrying her. You have nothing to gain by not doing it and a lot to lose if you don't.If I asked a friend to be my best man in my wedding and he said no I would think, "ok, fvck you then".

Northwest Runner wrote:

No. I don't know if listing my reasons for disagreeing with the wedding is all that important in regards to my question about handling the situation with my friend. But for those who must know, I do not think the wedding is a good idea because his fiancee is emotionally abusive, has cheated on him at least 5 times, and has a mountain of debt. Those are the three big things.

For the debt issue, you could just ask the groom if he was considering doing a pre-nup to control the risk? Leave the rest alone as he already knows about that stuff. Don't tell him you have concerns, etc but asking him about a prenup for the debt could at least get him to take steps that could help him. Just raise it as part of a wedding prep discussion in a low key, non-confrontational way. Don't press him, he is a grown up and make mistakes if he wants. Your role as a friend is to help him up if he does.

See, none of this is the OP's business. I am sure his friend is a big boy capable of dealing with his own life. His job is to be the groom's friend.

If you truly are his best friend and best man, then you need to tell him that you think it is a mistake. Weddings are expensive and divorce even more so. Be a man and tell him your honest feelings because sometimes the hard path needs to be trodden. Then back out of it. Do it sooner than later. Your friend will be pissed, but deep down he will be begin to wonder. I have told friends the truth, to lose their friendship for quite some time, only to be told that later they appreciated my candor.

The priest/officiator of the wedding has an even greater responsibility than you to ensure the couple is making the right decision. Have a frank discussion with the officiator and ask for his/her guidance on your ethical obligations as the best man.

"I hope your relationship continues to be as loving and open as it has been during your engagement".

true best friend wrote:

If you truly are his best friend and best man, then you need to tell him that you think it is a mistake. Weddings are expensive and divorce even more so. Be a man and tell him your honest feelings because sometimes the hard path needs to be trodden. Then back out of it. Do it sooner than later. Your friend will be pissed, but deep down he will be begin to wonder. I have told friends the truth, to lose their friendship for quite some time, only to be told that later they appreciated my candor.

I completely agree. I'm amazed by how many people think that the OP should take on a ceremonial role that implicitly and explicitly (in the toast) involves blessing the marriage, when he's completely against the marriage.

Tell your friend that you're immensely honored at his request. Tell him that you consider him a dear friend. But tell him that you are unable, in your heart, to bless this particular marriage, and that, as a result, you aren't able to be his best man. Tell him that you'll be happy to be a groomsman, if he'll have you as that. But not best man.

Then leave it be. If he demands to know why you're unable to bless the marriage, you may, as far as I'm concerned, tell him the truth.

Look, it's possible that your friendship may end--if your buddy chooses to end it. You can't control that. But your own integrity is important, too. You do NOT want to go along and then end up, half-drunk, trying to give a best man's speech and just not feeling it. You're liable to say something that you and every other attendee regrets. Neither you nor your friend wants that.

So reaffirm your friendship, and bow out gracefully.

Disagree. He doesn't have to bless the marriage. That is not his job. The groom wants the OP to stand with him on the biggest day of his life. He doesn't have to bless the marriage with the toast as you or someone else has said. He just has to give his best wishes. And why wouldn't he? Their personal finances and whether or not the groom has forgiven the bride and is able to commit to her is really none of the OP's business. This isn't grade school. The only adult decision is to stand with your friend on the altar.