I am really glad that you posted this. I was a footlocker qualifier in high school and an all-american in college. By the time I was done with my career I was so disillusioned. I remember setting what would turn out to be my all time 10k PR and getting berated afterwards in front of my family who had come to Stanford to see me race. At the time I thought I deserved it. Looking back I realize how crazy it was.
I am 6'2" and I am only now beginning to feel proud of just how fast as I was for my body weight. During college I felt like a failure. All that self-loathing was a complete and utter waste of time.
The biggest thing I ever accomplished was being all-american and I asked my coaches for a year and a half to give me the calligraphied certificate. I wanted to give it to my mom because she likes hanging it up. For two years they put off giving it to me. On the last day I was at my school, I went to pick it up and they told me they didn't have it. I said goodbye to my coaches and cried like baby. For some reason it felt like the five years of work the 110 mile weeks were all meaningless because I never became an NCAA champion or qualified for the olympic trials.
They eventually mailed me the certificate but it was not protected so it of course got destroyed in the mailing process. My mom (who lived for this stuff) called them to complain. Two weeks later a giant box arrived with DO NOT BEND, FRAGILE written all over it. I felt completely mocked by the writing I knew it was a dig at how much I cared about this dumb certificate. In the box were peanuts, packing bubbles, more mocking. When I finally pulled out the certificate it was sandwiched between pieces of cardboard that were smaller than it was and was of course wrinkled. So I possess two essentially destroyed all-american certificates.
That moment came to symbolize a feeling that I was a failure. And I feel like I've learned a lot of lessons that aren't really relevant but I am so grateful for the chance to share. Some things to keep in mind.
1) Running is a Fantasy World- It may be the purest sport but it is still just a sport. The lessons you get out of it and the personal growth you experience are the most important things. The next time you run a crappy time or get guilted by your coaches or teammates remind yourself what you've learned from running. How it's taught you discipline and the ability to endure pain. For every person the answer is different but ask yourself - "What has running taught me that will be relevant for the rest of my life?"
2) A Lot of Coaches Have No Perspective- This is a percentage but I have seen and heard about a tremendous amount of shameful behavior by coaches. There is a sort of militaristic attitude that reigns with a lot of coaches that people should dedicate their entire lives to the sport. But what that dedication actually means can get iffy. I've known coaches calling girls at night to make sure they are in bed.I just have innumerable stories to this effect.
There is no running ethical code, there is only your own. Do not ever let anyone make you feel like there was some moral transgression because you didn't do X,Y or Z. You need to decide what an honorable life is to you. It might be quitting running so you spend more time with your friends.
My high school coach has a tremendous track record. I asked him once why he didn't move on to coach college. He said because it college being a coach is only about running, in high school its about helping people." I have found this to be true in the vast majority of cases.
3) Make Sure You Are Becoming the Person You Want to Look Back At- I became a professional cyclist after running and I also got a chance to meet and train with a ton of olympians and champions in both sports even though I myself was not that good. I remember the people who were kind.
I remember Frankie Andreu going out of his way to help me when it was of no benefit to him. Shortly after that he came clean and it killed his career temporarily. Is it a coincidence that the kindest person was also the one who chose to come out and tell the truth? I don't think it is. I know that I would personally rather have Frankie's career than Lance's. It's a personal choice and I'm not trying to pass judgment but just make sure that you are making the choices that you can be proud of.
I missed an extremely friends wedding for an important race. It was a race that wound up cementing my next years contract. But looking back I am not proud of my decision. For me personally it was wrong and I wish I could go back and undo it. Don't let people tell you what's right for you.
I remember the kind people- Frankie Andreu and Meb Kelflezghi stand out as two incredible human beings I had the privilege of spending some time with briefly. At the top levels, in my humble experience, the jerks are extremely numerous. I remember getting to make a national team and seeing someone I had really admired engage in some morally questionable behavior and have known people who took PEDs etc. Just stay focused on what matters. A lot of people, including myself, are single minded to a fault. The Mebs and Frankies can be rare. In any case just stay focused on what matters to you.
4) It Never Ends- THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE FASTER. ALWAYS. I have seen disillusioned and jaded olympic medalists that wake up feeling terrible about themselves. It will never end. No PR will ever be the finish line. Keep your eye on what really matters. How you deal with failure will ultimately determine who you are. Alan Webb should be running down the street screaming "Im an American Record Holder B****" But he probably is feeling bad about not meeting his potential. (Or maybe he isnt) But I have seen top athlete after top athlete beat themselves up over things they should be tremendously proud of.
I literally just read an article about Daniel Komen's failed running career. I wanted to scream at that article. Apparently Daniel Komen is overweight and happy and this is a problem. The man set a world record. Would it be better if he were like Lance?
People will see David Rudisha win the olympics and their first reaction will be "maybe he can break 1:40!" That's all fine but not if it gets to the point where a David Rudisha type feels like a failure.
Running ends for every one. Make sure you take away the lessons that matter.
5) Failure is a Gift - How you respond to these injury will help shape who you are. Have the courage to look at all the possibilities. Unquestioned devotion to anything is childish. Moving on and fighting through an injury both take courage. Don't let short sighted people tell you what's what.
6) Running is a Gift - My best memory from college is getting up at 6 AM to do my morning and getting to run on fresh snow. The world was remade. The cold breath in my lungs was renewing. I got in touch with my passion for running. I wish I had offered myself that experience more often.
My advice- Take off your watch, put your heart rate monitor in the drawer, and go for a run. Focus on presence, put everyone else out of your mind. You'll know what's right and you'll know what to do. Just like you need to listen to your body when you're injured you need to listen to your heart during these times. I find a run is a great way to do this as long as its a run for nobody else but you.
Good luck!
(ps. Im not going to reread this, I am sorry for the inevitably innumerable grammar errors)