Here's to breaking 20 for 5k (à la EddyLee)

the cancer guy wrote:

2.5 walk + 1 walk to get kids to school.

Go CG! Damn impressive. I woke up this morning, walked out of the house on my way to work and the humidity was at 95% when I checked it. I decided not to go running tonight. After reading what you did, thank you for giving me the motivation to go.

the cancer guy wrote:

2.5 walk + 1 walk to get kids to school. A few years ago I did not think I would live long enough to see my youngest walk through those doors. Glad I was wrong. Quite a momentous feeling.

:)

Praying for you and your family, CG. Hope your kids have a great first day back at school.

Sprintgeezer wrote:

Do you still pay any attention to things on which the media reports, to which you have paid attention in the past? Be it election coverage, weather, law/crime, whatever. You know, all those very pressing social issues.

Ah gotcha. We cut cable out of our lives a few years ago. So, we don't have regular news and I don't pay much attention to world events. If anything, my news consists of NPR commentary, plus, an occasional spin through the headlines of a couple of different new sources to get a few different angle on things. But, beyond that, I don't bother much with the world. I can't change anything, so, why worry about it.

DwightSchrute wrote:

the cancer guy wrote:

2.5 walk + 1 walk to get kids to school.

Go CG! Damn impressive. I woke up this morning, walked out of the house on my way to work and the humidity was at 95% when I checked it. I decided not to go running tonight. After reading what you did, thank you for giving me the motivation to go.

Glad it may have motivated you. I am hoping, if I can get some regular exercise, it may stimulate some re cell production. Unlikely, but, I can hope. I have to readjust to the new schedule as I was kind of lazy all summer with regards to hours. Hope you have a great run this evening. Enjoy one for me.

2 miles this am. Man, I am so tired. As I work I find myself temporarily dozing off. I'll come to and have 150 spaces on my email. It's kind of scary. Makes me reluctant to work. I don't want to screw up something serious and cause a real problem at work. We are going to talk about getting some amphetamines and ADHD medications into my pain management routine to see if that gives me some energy, but, I am starting to get scared at my lack of energy. I've never heard of anyone dying of a lack of energy, but, I have to believe there is some correlation with my fatigue and my marrow failure. I've searched around but could not really find any studies on low energy levels and prognosis. My wife's aunt works with hospice population a lot and says maybe 1-2 months. I was thinking maybe 2-3, but, give or take, either could be right. If that's the case, I really need to go on disability and start working on my kid's books. Anyone out there with any advice?

Advice on getting onto disability or on the kids' books? General advice? Not sure what you're looking for. Disablilty should be a slam dunk for you. I'm amazed that you're still working. I would suggest that you not mention any of the runs you take when you're applying for disablility as they may decide "If he can run he can work."

I've gone through the application process with a number of my clients from my days of working at a community mental health center. Twenty years ago the SSDI people could be pretty heartless.

Beyond that, and I really have thought about whether I should write this, I'll tell you that my dad, who had colon cancer, essnetially got progressively weaker and more tired and spent less and less time being awake. He just slept himself away. It was pretty peaceful from what I could tell. He was lucid in the increasingly rare times he was awake but eventually could only speak in a whisper.

I'm having a hard time htting the "post" button because I'm really caught between thinking some of this may answer a bit of what you're asking and because, well, it's a bit on the uncheery side. I deeply apologize if it's too uncheery.

Thanks for the reply HRE. Honestly, I struggle with the diagnosis...again. I mean, I do not feel like a man ready to die. I feel like my doctors have run out of ideas, and, because of that I am supposed to concede death. Yet, every fiber of my being resents that prospect. Now, I don't have anything to which I can turn, short of God giving me a miracle, which would give me reason to think "Oh, I'm going to just show the doctors and overcome their skepticism." It's just now that I'm on hospice it's like the prevalent attitude is, "Well, you have no medical hope, so, get really comfortable, and, sit back with your feet up and get as stoned as you can." Man, what kind of defeatist attitude is that?! I know, I don't have an alternative, I just don't know how to be okay with "just go off and die." Such a weird place to be. For a competitive personality who succeeded not off of talent but off of will power and sheer determination, giving up, to me, is tantamount to sin. But, at what point is giving up just being honest and "hoping" delusion? Damn, even the best philosophy courses don't prepare you for this.

I suppose the philosophy professors who could rpepare people for this are all dead themselves.

None of us know how long we have, though certainly some people get pretty good indications. My dad really fought his cancer for a bit over three years. Then a day or two after Labor Day in 2003 he had a check up of some kind. I wasn't there but my mum told me he was walking back to the house from the car afterward and said he was too tired to finish. He sat down on a little stone bench in the yard for what she told me was a really long time. Finally she more or less propped him up and dragged him in the hiuse and to bed. He never went downatairs again or walked farther than to the bathroom.

I think something he heard during that check up pretty much told him it was all over and for the first time it was real to him. He was gone a month later.

CG, first off, please check your email. Sorry, but I need you to confirm if you've gotten some funds.

Second off, why do you not want to die? Why do you prefer for God to heal you? Don't get me wrong, I want you to live and prosper, and I have my reasons, but what are yours?

Christians make a very big mistake in their thinking about eternal life. We always put the emphasis on eternal, but that makes no sense. The emphasis should be on life. Those who are condemned exist eternally also: eternal death. I agree with you. To quit life because you know you are probably going to be going through death's door sooner rather than later is definitely the wrong answer. Also, however, to not acknowledge all parts of your life, including taking into account the fact of the condition of your body, the feelings and needs of your family, etc., would be wrong. I think you are in the same position as everyone else on this planet in that you are to LIVE in the midst of all of the conditions in which you find yourself.

I'm terrible at life, and so feel hypocritical telling you this, but I think there is some truth here that may help you think more clearly on how to live now.

I wanted to say more here, but am suddenly being beckoned out the door. I have to go live somewhere else for a while :)

CG--

From what I've seen, death that people knew to be coming has been a decision they made. As soon as they gave themselves over to the absolute inevitability of death, they ceased to live, even if their biological functions continued for a time.

If you haven't really yet given yourself over, you are still living. And living is about struggling and fighting, always in some measure to remain living. So if you're not there yet, keep fighting. Rage against the dying of the light.

You are a f'ing hero, CG, even if you don't know it. IMHO, the fight to remain living is the toughest battle that can be enjoined, and everybody fighting that battle has my deepest respect and admiration.

It's not about "delusion", it's not about any sort of "objective reality"--it is about life, will, it's about you as a person--and the odds, whatever they are, be damned.

+1 to Sprintgeezer's post & fwiw am thinking of you tonite.

Double +1!!

Hope you're staying strong

Cancer is horrible. My mom has it and luckily the doctors think she can be cured but I feel horrible for anyone who has it..Bad stuff it is. Not good!!!!

Best of luck to your mom and may the doctors be right.

I'm sure that CG knows we're thinking about him, even though we don't post all the time.

As therapeutic as posting here may be for him, he obviously has other important things to do.

I'd really like to thank him for posting here and sharing this massive experience with us.

Sprintgeezer wrote:

I'm sure that CG knows we're thinking about him, even though we don't post all the time.

As therapeutic as posting here may be for him, he obviously has other important things to do.

I'd really like to thank him for posting here and sharing this massive experience with us.

If things go as badly for him as he's predicted they could I am going to suggest that this thread be locked out of respect to a guy who in my opinion, has embodied all the qualities we'd attribute to a genuine distance runner. And I hope with all my heart there will be no need for asking for that.

+infinity (childish but damned if it isn't true!)

HRE wrote:

Sprintgeezer wrote:

I'm sure that CG knows we're thinking about him, even though we don't post all the time.

As therapeutic as posting here may be for him, he obviously has other important things to do.

I'd really like to thank him for posting here and sharing this massive experience with us.

If things go as badly for him as he's predicted they could I am going to suggest that this thread be locked out of respect to a guy who in my opinion, has embodied all the qualities we'd attribute to a genuine distance runner. And I hope with all my heart there will be no need for asking for that.

Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts folks. To add another wrinkle to the story we found out last week my wife has a 5mm mass pressing on her pituitary gland. We are meeting with a neurosurgeon today to get more information. Based on MRI it is small and does not, yet, appear to be causing anything other than headaches. Upon learning about it I totally freaked out and shut down. She has been much better about holding it together. After a couple of days of going to the "dark place" I am choosing to wait and see. Our research suggests that most such masses are benign and can be removed fairly easily. We are desperately praying this is the case. I don't even want to think about how we would handle both of us with cancer. Needless to say, brain tumors kind of put a downer on the week last week. I had gotten into a pretty deep funk about 3-4 weeks ago and was on my way out when we got this news. I have been hyperactive in some computer/user group stuff to stay distracted from thinking too much. I'll post an update later.

Oh yeah, I walked two miles today. The legs and joints are really sore/painful lately. I am upping my dose of steroids and pain meds to see if I can dull it out again without getting totally catatonic from just downing tons of opium (which is basically what dilaudid is). Ok, back to reality...

Praying for you and your wife!