Considering Divorce

Norman B. wrote:

all the way out wrote:

Been there, but not anymore.

You are not all the way out. Not when you are ruminating on how hard it is and what she is doing. You are idealizing her based on the partial info you have about her new BF. You lived the reality and THAT was worth getting away from.

Got to just let it go. And that means ACTION, not thought. Do cool stuff with your life; hang out with cool people and beautiful, fun women. Run just to run. You'll be over it in a heartbeat.

Thanks.

I heard it takes awhile to get over a divorce but I'm throwing myself out there and my life actually has been pretty full since it all was finalized last November.

I've taken several vacations, gained some weight, met a new girl (things are good there - we just got back from a weekend in Chicago and did a boating trip earlier this summer), started hobby jogging (I got fed up pounding intervals), and joined a soccer team. Just little changes to make my life more interesting and speed up the healing process.

Sorry, but it's just hard to forget someone you loved and spent almost all of your time with for several years. I don't think that type of love disappears over night, but I'm hoping things fade soon.

As for the new guy, she'll likely do the same things to him that she did to me. I just need to remember all the terrible things she said to me, and realize that he'll be in my place in a matter of time. I wish him the best, he's in for a tough ride.

Norman B. wrote:

I feel the need to update this thread.

My wife and I separated in March of 2012 and our divorce was finalized in November 2012.

I stuck it out as long as I could.

Over Christmas 2011, my wife and I stayed at my parent’s house and one evening she picked a fight with my mother over something very trivial. My wife was very much in the wrong in the argument and was completely disrespectful. My father stepped in to protect my mother and it was resulted in a massive blowup in which we ended up leaving and cutting our holiday trip short. It was an absolute disaster and a major setback in our relationship.

Cut to March 2012, and my wife is picking fights with me almost every other day and I’m constantly pacifying her and walking on eggshells. One night, she goes full tilt on me and I completely lost my cool and we got into a screaming match. Later that night, I tell her that I want to get a divorce.

We weren’t able to sell our house until August of 2012, so we lived together during that time but just in separate rooms. Things were civil. In September 2012, I moved out of our house and into an apartment on the other side of town. As I carried the last box out to my car, she started crying – as did I – and we hugged and kissed for the last time. I texted her and told her that I will love her always, no matter what.

At our divorce proceeding in November, after not seeing her for two months, my wife had miraculously lost all of her weight. She is also very cold and b!tchy when I had to correspond with her that day and she treats me like a total stranger.

From August 2012 to March 2013, I trained like a madman, running 80mpw in a brutal winter. I had no social life. All I did was run, work, and eat. I was doing 3 track workouts a week indoors and running myself into the ground. It sucked, and I raced poorly.

In March 2013 we had to meet to discuss taxes. My wife is now back to her wedding weight and looks beautiful again. As the meeting ended, I pulled her aside to talk with her to see how she was coping. Trying merely to be friendly and cordial. She took it as opportunity to bash the living crap out of me. She said the following:

1. I ask her if she moved back in the area (she lived with a friend out of town for a few months). "I do live in the area now but I don't need to tell you where I live."

2. "This is the last time we ever have to meet, I don't need to see you anymore. I moved on."

3. "I am seeing someone now" I ask her if I know him. She looks at me for a long time with a blank stare and says "no."

I have a friend that works with my wife – and she told me all the dirt. Turns out, I do remember the guy because my wife and I worked for the same company before I left the place and got a new job while we were married. I remember the guy walking by my cubicle.

Turns out that after a mere three months after our divorce, she began sleeping with this guy who is a department director of the company that she still works for. The guy is ugly, fat, and short, but makes more money than me. She wasted no time getting back into a serious relationship, which left me very depressed. I don’t believe she ever cheated on me. I’m fairly certain by what I heard from others that she never did that. She simply jumped at the first guy available and never bothered to look outside the office.

My depression over the divorce and my wife moving on so fast left me virtually lifeless. Let me tell you, the visual of my ex-wife screwing someone new drove me to some very bad places. It’s also complicated by the fact that I desperately wanted intimacy with her during marriage…and she was just too depressed. So, she made all the changes for the new guy, but not her own husband. As a result, I lost even more weight, quit running, and spent literally 4 months in hell. I also sought counseling.

My wife has thoroughly integrated herself into this guy’s family already. The guy also attended her brother’s destination wedding. It is all very sad and hurtful because even though she was terrible to me, I did really love her a lot. I made a vow to do so…it just became too much.

I would say she will probably try to marry this guy. He’s 33 and has never been married before. She’s 31 and wants to have kids NOW. You can put the rest of it together…

After a bit of research into her character, it turns out she most likely has Borderline Personal Disorder. She has virtually all the traits, took all the meds, etc. So it will only be a matter of time before she implodes again and drags this guy down to the levels I was at two years into my marriage.

So, where am I at now? Well, I’m trying to get back into running but the fire is gone. I met this beautiful girl in June and we are casually dating/screwing but I’m taking things very slowly. I dated a few girls in April, no sparks. I’m not 100% still – not completely recovered – but I’m fighting.

I have no interest in getting married again.

I just want to say thanks, Letsrun, for offering advice nearly two years ago. People normally don’t bump these threads, but I just thought about it the other day and decided to update it.

Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing. Try to avoid it.

218er wrote:

I hear your pain brother. Wife left after five years of marriage and three years in college pre marriage. Met a guy, got knocked up. It tore me apart (bad), but I was able to become the runner I always wanted to be (good). We got divorced and I went back to school and just ran! But I was still very hurt and blamed her, was a mess personally. It took 3-5 years to accept it and feel good about things.

It wasn't till many years later that I realized I was so obsessed with MY running and goals that I completely neglected her and she left and went to get what she wanted. I don't blame her today at all.

So I met my future wife five years later. Same pattern, I'm focused on my stuff, she is pulling away, house & kids all come, good career, but major issues between us. Counseling ensues and I realize its not her, its me. Being selfish, self focused - to some extent it gave us the good life/made me a good runner; but it was hard on her and was tearing us apart. Counseling got us to a place where I was able to admit my faults and blame, she did the same...we started over. 25 years next month. Last 10 years have been great, we don't fight, look forward to doing things together (walking), helping out and being with the kids (grown up now), not running much but staying fit and as flagpole put it, "boning the sunday chicken" a couple times a week.

Get yourself in a good place, and as was said before, we can't control the other person, just ourselves. But take a good look and make sure your ready and healthy to move forward. It takes a couple years to get over someone, live with the hurt/loss/ but you can do it!

no wonder you're divorced wrote:

Norman B. wrote:

I feel the need to update this thread.

My wife and I separated in March of 2012 and our divorce was finalized in November 2012.

I stuck it out as long as I could.

Over Christmas 2011, my wife and I stayed at my parent’s house and one evening she picked a fight with my mother over something very trivial. My wife was very much in the wrong in the argument and was completely disrespectful. My father stepped in to protect my mother and it was resulted in a massive blowup in which we ended up leaving and cutting our holiday trip short. It was an absolute disaster and a major setback in our relationship.

Cut to March 2012, and my wife is picking fights with me almost every other day and I’m constantly pacifying her and walking on eggshells. One night, she goes full tilt on me and I completely lost my cool and we got into a screaming match. Later that night, I tell her that I want to get a divorce.

We weren’t able to sell our house until August of 2012, so we lived together during that time but just in separate rooms. Things were civil. In September 2012, I moved out of our house and into an apartment on the other side of town. As I carried the last box out to my car, she started crying – as did I – and we hugged and kissed for the last time. I texted her and told her that I will love her always, no matter what.

At our divorce proceeding in November, after not seeing her for two months, my wife had miraculously lost all of her weight. She is also very cold and b!tchy when I had to correspond with her that day and she treats me like a total stranger.

From August 2012 to March 2013, I trained like a madman, running 80mpw in a brutal winter. I had no social life. All I did was run, work, and eat. I was doing 3 track workouts a week indoors and running myself into the ground. It sucked, and I raced poorly.

In March 2013 we had to meet to discuss taxes. My wife is now back to her wedding weight and looks beautiful again. As the meeting ended, I pulled her aside to talk with her to see how she was coping. Trying merely to be friendly and cordial. She took it as opportunity to bash the living crap out of me. She said the following:

1. I ask her if she moved back in the area (she lived with a friend out of town for a few months). "I do live in the area now but I don't need to tell you where I live."

2. "This is the last time we ever have to meet, I don't need to see you anymore. I moved on."

3. "I am seeing someone now" I ask her if I know him. She looks at me for a long time with a blank stare and says "no."

I have a friend that works with my wife – and she told me all the dirt. Turns out, I do remember the guy because my wife and I worked for the same company before I left the place and got a new job while we were married. I remember the guy walking by my cubicle.

Turns out that after a mere three months after our divorce, she began sleeping with this guy who is a department director of the company that she still works for. The guy is ugly, fat, and short, but makes more money than me. She wasted no time getting back into a serious relationship, which left me very depressed. I don’t believe she ever cheated on me. I’m fairly certain by what I heard from others that she never did that. She simply jumped at the first guy available and never bothered to look outside the office.

My depression over the divorce and my wife moving on so fast left me virtually lifeless. Let me tell you, the visual of my ex-wife screwing someone new drove me to some very bad places. It’s also complicated by the fact that I desperately wanted intimacy with her during marriage…and she was just too depressed. So, she made all the changes for the new guy, but not her own husband. As a result, I lost even more weight, quit running, and spent literally 4 months in hell. I also sought counseling.

My wife has thoroughly integrated herself into this guy’s family already. The guy also attended her brother’s destination wedding. It is all very sad and hurtful because even though she was terrible to me, I did really love her a lot. I made a vow to do so…it just became too much.

I would say she will probably try to marry this guy. He’s 33 and has never been married before. She’s 31 and wants to have kids NOW. You can put the rest of it together…

After a bit of research into her character, it turns out she most likely has Borderline Personal Disorder. She has virtually all the traits, took all the meds, etc. So it will only be a matter of time before she implodes again and drags this guy down to the levels I was at two years into my marriage.

So, where am I at now? Well, I’m trying to get back into running but the fire is gone. I met this beautiful girl in June and we are casually dating/screwing but I’m taking things very slowly. I dated a few girls in April, no sparks. I’m not 100% still – not completely recovered – but I’m fighting.

I have no interest in getting married again.

I just want to say thanks, Letsrun, for offering advice nearly two years ago. People normally don’t bump these threads, but I just thought about it the other day and decided to update it.

Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing. Try to avoid it.

Honestly, after reading this, I can see why your wife was depressed and overweight. She was miserable being married to you. Now that you have divorced, she is happy and moved on. She is right. You didn't have children together - you are divorced - so there is no reason to have contact.

You are self diagnosing her as having Borderline Personal (think you mean "personality") disorder???? Seriously??? You might want to try diagnosing yourself. The woman wasn't happy with you and now she has found happiness. Good for her. Time for you to move on. Perhaps being a little more romantic rather than describing casually "screwing' beautiful girls might help. However, I completely agree - save another woman from having to deal with you and do not marry again.