Survey: How many of you married men or women have/ had affairs?

not me no way. wrote:

...nothing could be worth losing the innocence and private garden we have built and guarded.

whoa, whoa, whoa there boy. hold up. are you sure you're not just gay?

Hey, good to hear from someone with very little brain. One of my favorite attributes in an LRC poster. Makes for good laughs.

So, where to begin:

"So we can assume you totally honest about everything you do and think with your spouse?"

Ummm. Yes.

I have to admit that the fact that you appear to find that hard to believe is quite amazing to me. Being honest in general comes more naturally to me than being dishonest. Not that I have never been dishonest with anyone about anything - but those instances are pretty few and far between.

Then, when I factor in that my wife is my best friend, my confidant, the love of my life, and (truth in advertising here) the most beautiful woman that I have ever laid eyes on, the notion of being dishonest to her seems preposterous. I would betray my best friend's trust in order to get laid? Weird.

Now for:

"Or is sex the only thing you need to be honest about? You again fall victim to attributing a ridiculous importance on sex and pretend the areas you choose to lie about (by omission perhaps) are not as important. You're a victim of a culture that id fixated by sex."

As for sex being the only thing that I am honest about? No, I am honest about everything with my wife. It really isn't that difficult.

As for "You again fall victim to attributing a ridiculous importance on sex..."

Nope. Try reading my first post. Hint: It is the one you responded to.

I think that I stated fairly clearly that sex (and puritanical or other attitudes toward sex) were NOT the crux of the matter. Do you need to have that spelled out for you? Oh wait, I forgot, this is a message board so all of this is spelled out. I'm not sure how to make it any clearer. Again, go read my earlier post again. It is all about honesty and integrity.

Now perhaps instead of posting meaningless drivel with unfounded assumptions about the person you are addressing you might want to actually try to refute the very simple ideas that I posted.

Come back soon my small brained friend.

People can voluntarily take an action and, if they're honest with themselves, regret that action. Even multiple times.

I understand one side wants to justify cheating and the other side wants to paint all cheaters are categorically evil. It's more simple that way, but it's not how the world works.

Been married 14 years..early in the marriage I was very focused on training trying to qualify for the trials..raced and traveled a lot..never cheated when I was on the road..but all my traveling was hard on my wife and probably for obivious reasons bad for the marriage..so apparently "something" happened while I was away..I have asked multiple times what this "something" was and never gotten the real answer..the whole story..she just says that all my racing and focus on training was difficult.. should have included my wife more probably in the trips but when a race director is paying then it is hard to accomodate a spouse etc..well 14 years later still don't have the answer and have always felt that she is hiding something and has always held back..but now there is a kid..which changes the deal..so about 3 years ago I drifted into the "hobby" and don't feel guilty but oddly want to..upon reflection the sex really is not all that good to be honest with other hobbists..and I think it is kind of dipraved and pathetic..the ironic life..

Couple of thoughts:

Female; married 12 years. Never cheated. I intend never to do it.

Pretty sure my spouse hasn`t either. I am psychic when it comes to that sort of thing. I also chose my husband partly based on this. He was never the kind of man that oogled other women, like a lot of guys I know. Of course, I know he notices other women but somehow it seems more innocent than it does with other men. For the people that feel bad for the happily married`s wife, well, I don`t. I`m sure she knows. She knows that they are not happy, even if he thinks they are. Women **know** these things. They may not want to, however.

Of course women want sex as much as men and if you are not getting it from your wife you are either being punished conciously or uncounsciously. Or you are not paying attention to what she wants. (This will fall on deaf ears, I`m sure and we will hear more `Women just don`t like sex` I guess it`s easier to believe women don`t like sex than your woman doesn`t like sex with YOU...) Anyway, I can understand why people cheat, both male and female.

Had some strong mutual attractions with other men, but have never had any real opportunities. Most men, even single men, have values that include not messing with other people`s relationships. The men I`ve known anyway.

Sometimes things happen. I don`t think a person is a horrible person if they have an affair. But I also think that if you CONTINUE to do it and want to, than you should just get a divorce.

I have a friend (female) that believes in open relationships. Her bf doesn`t, so she doesn`t cheat. But I can`t imagine being open about cheating can happen in a successful relationship. She says they work...

Ramble over...

My father and his two brothers both had affairs and ended up divorcing their wives and starting a new life with these women. When my parents divorced I would spend every weekend over at my father's and step mom's house and come back to my mother's house and one of the first things she would ask me was "How was the weekend with your father and that whore?" First hearing this when I was eleven years old was very hard for me and it didn't take me long to realize that my mother was obviously very hurt by my father's actions. A few years later when I would start dating girls I never was able to remain faithful to my girlfriends and always rationalized that infidelity was in my genetics. At age thirty I met a girl and after a few months of dating she got pregnant so we ended up getting married. She is the best mother and wife I could ever ask for. I always felt that what my father and uncles did was wrong for having affairs and starting new lives with different women. At the same time I do have urges and because of this I relate to Happily Married. I work in sales and occasionally travel to Europe. Twice when in Amsterdam I went to the red light district and paid for a b****** with a condom on. That was it. Nothing emotional like kissing or whatever. Then when I came home I honestly told my wife how much I missed her and we had passionate sex.

in general I tend to agree with a lot of the views you've expressed relating to the importance of sex per se in a relationship, HOWEVER I will say that I think if a person has entered into an agreement (marriage or unwritten promise of sexual exclusivity) with a partner that they should honor whatever the mutually agreed upon conditions of that agreement are. To change the rules and rationalize your actions after the fact robs the other person of their choice.

If nothing else people should be able to choose the person they want to be with and under what conditions they choose to be with them. If one does not adhere to those conditions (no matter how justified such a departure may be) then that is fundamentally unfair to the other person.

So while I wouldn't judge another person for wanting to or actually having more than one sexual partner while in a relationship with another, I do think that such actions should be agreed to by both partners in the relationship.

Also, I personally don't think that women are less libidinous than man, just that they have been culturally brow beaten into supressing their sexuality and expression thereof. With that said, I don't think that female sexuality is the same as male sexuality, but I don't think that means that one is more and the other is less.

A Different Perspective wrote:

Sometimes by trying for "more" you end up with less. The relationship equivalent of overtraining, I suppose.

Post of the day. I never thought I'd see cheating on a marriage compared to overtraining but it made sense. Great post.

Precious Roy your the man!!! my boyfriend thinks the same way u do. He's a boney frame runner socially werided out. and he managed to get a kim kardashian latina. good for u

Just trying to inject some facts here:

"The most consistent data on infidelity come from the General Social Survey, sponsored by the National Science Foundation and based at the University of Chicago, which has used a national representative sample to track the opinions and social behaviors of Americans since 1972. The survey data show that in any given year, about 10 percent of married people — 12 percent of men and 7 percent of women — say they have had sex outside their marriage."

...

"But it is the apparent change in women’s fidelity that has sparked the most interest among relationship researchers. It is not entirely clear if the historical gap between men and women is real or if women have just been more likely to lie about it."

...

"Dr. Fisher notes that infidelity is common across cultures, and that in hunting and gathering societies, there is no evidence that women are any less adulterous than men. The fidelity gap may be explained more by cultural pressures than any real difference in sex drives between men and women."

Source:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/28/health/28well.html

That study seems to limit it to just sex, other posters have quoted percentages that include lesser sexual acts as high as 60%

secret of restraint wrote:

If you feel like cheating, you aren't running enough miles

10/10

X-Runner wrote:

I think that it is funny that this thread specifically requested feedback from those that have had affairs and the vast majority of those who posted have not had affairs.

I intentionally didn't respond initially because I wasn't qualified on the subject, but I figured that that didn't stop the others.

I am not here to judge either, which is what everyone seems to want to do.

But I will offer one tip:

Expect to be caught and be prepared for the consequences.

Once you have that understood, proceed as you may.

Exactly!!

Numbers Game wrote:

1) Rough count of posts here show nearly 2-1 in favor of no affairs/affairs are NOT ok. So, I don't see how some are complaining about "everyone having affairs", "losing faith in men"...

2) For those who express surprise that just as many women "cheat" as men I have one question - Who the hell do you think the men are cheating with? Get a clue - the numbers are nearly guaranteed to be pretty close.

Carry on.

1) You're suggesting that since 66% of men are not okay with affairs and 33% are (assuming the posters here are representative), everything's just fine. From where I stand, 33% is way higher than I expected it to be, and yes, I stand by my losing faith in men comment if 33% of men cheat. (Although the Chicago numbers are different.)

2) Not quite right. That's assuming that for every one man that cheats, one woman is cheating. The reality is it's more than one man to one woman (i.e. one woman cheats with more than one cheater man). So no, the numbers are not guaranteed to be pretty close.

I'm totally fine with it if everyone is open about it and agrees to that kind of relationship, and I would not consider that cheating.

It is not so much the ones who have cheated and feel guilty about it that bothers me -- it's the ones who feel no guilt.

I used to think that almost every human with the exception of serial killers and rapists had the same set of built-in morals when they were born, much like everyone has the same physical structure. As I get older, I'm realizing this isn't really the case and the only thing that becomes law is what the majority rules. What a strange world I live in.

Never had an affair. Funny thing is I never really want to, I do look at other women, but I would never do that. I like to know that if my wife asked if i was loyal I could say yes without any guilt. It's a small way to prove that I love her, even if I'm the only one who would know for sure if I "got some on the side".

Except, you didn't take a vow to like your spouse's family members.

47 wrote:

It is not so much the ones who have cheated and feel guilty about it that bothers me -- it's the ones who feel no guilt.

I used to think that almost every human with the exception of serial killers and rapists had the same set of built-in morals when they were born, much like everyone has the same physical structure. As I get older, I'm realizing this isn't really the case and the only thing that becomes law is what the majority rules. What a strange world I live in.

There were several studies done after WW2 by people wondering why German citizens went along with the atrocities committed by the Nazis; you should look some of those up. It's a real eye opener.

Someone mentioned that if you're married and your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it's your fault because you aren't doing enough to make her want to have sex. I can tell you from experience that this really may not be true.

I'm a female in my 30's. I was with the love of my life for 2 years and we had an amazing sex life. For the first several months we did it at least once a day, and even by the end of the two years, still a few times per week. Then we broke up for 4 years. Now we're back together, but I have changed. A lot. I am completely in love with this man, but I have no sexual desire or urges, AT ALL. EVER. I used to all the time, and now I never do. I am completely in love with my boyfriend; he's smart and funny and spoils me rotten, but the odd time we have sex, (not often) I'm only doing it for him, and I can't wait until it's over. I went to the doctor and she told me that she hears this from women of a certain age ALL THE TIME. Other than going off the birth control pill (which didn't help), there wasn't much she could do for me. I am thinking about going on some kind of testosterone therapy or something because my boyfriend is a typical horny guy and he deserves a g/f who wants sex. But I live with a lot of guilt, believe me, and if he was getting b*******s from a stripper, in a way, I wouldn't blame him.

The Judge is spot on. My husband cheated and it completely ruined any trust or faith I had in him. I knew he was up to something even though I had no proof. It broke my heart and ruined my self-esteem. I eventually found proof. I tried to forgive him, and believe him that it was just one person. But honestly, our marriage was ruined. I lost all respect for him. I couldn't trust him. We didn't argue well, becuase I had no respect and trust left. If you want to ruin your marriage and lose the respect of your kids if you have them, go on and cheat. Don't think that your wife doesn't know and you won't get caught...it will catch up with you in the end.

And as for Mr. Happily Married, just because you are doing it with hookers and strippers does not make it any better. You are sick man paying into a sick, abusive industry. Do you have daughters? How would you feel if when they grew up they turned tricks giving dirty old men like you hand jobs and BJs. Shameful.