My father in law wants to be the first to hold my newborn son... should I let him?

Do you know what would be a really gutsy move? After the troll has run its course (which this one has)to come clean and maybe even tell everyone how or why you came up with the idea.

Bear of Bad News wrote:

I agree with those who are saying that this is a crazy thing for him to ask in the first place. This is like watching your son win the state championship and meeting him at the finish line to ask, "hey, mind if I wear the medal first? I'll give it to you when I'm done, but I'd like them to give the thing to me at the podium."

I will tell you that at our state meet they have the head coach of the first place athlete award the medals to the top 8 competitors. In my 23 years of coaching, I have relinquished that task to two dads who were my assistant coaches when their kid won the state championship gold medal. They were both pretty touching moments.

Did either of those two dads have granddads that wanted to give the medals first instead of the dads?

I really don't care who thinks I'm a troll. Call me a troll all you want. This thread is intended for advice/input for those who believe me.

Well, at breakfast I told my FIL that I can't and will not let him make the decision of holding my son, and if he insists, I don't want him anywhere near my family, and that I will talk to a lawyer if I have to. He just basically said the same things, he will arrange w/ the obstetrician to let him hold the baby first, etc.

My plan for now is to just not tell him when my wife goes into labor. The main problem w/ that is that she wants everyone to be there when she gives birth, so I think I'm just going to tell them right after she is in the delivery room. Hopefully everything works out. After all of this, I hope my FIL changes his ways of thinking and apologizes to me.

Thanks for everyone who gave advice. I will let you guys know if any other circumstances occur.

So what does your wife say about all this?

It's one thing to have a controlling FIL, but if your wife lets him, then you you have WAY bigger problems than your FIL.

OK I want to play this troll thread too

Your problem is not your father-in-law. Let me repeat its not your father-in-law. Yes he IS a total jerk but the big problem is your wife who has terribly disrespected you by not telling her dad no way in hell would she ever let her husband not hold the baby first.

You have a huge problem. Your wife is neither wife nor mother material. Your kid is doomed unless his mom grows a pair! (Well, females have a different pair)

I think you should 1st call the boyfriend who is the biological father. Does she know who the father is ?

not who you think wrote:

I really want to be the first person to hold my son, but my father in law insists that he be the first to hold him. I don't have a problem with him or anything, it just bothers me that he would want to take that away from me. Am I being selfish? If not, should I tell him I want to be the first without hurting his feelings?

Tell him: "I'll make you a deal, who ever holds the kid first, gets to pay for his college."

Problem solved.

Had that baby yet?

Wanting to be the first to hold newborn is a sign of Satanism.

Seriously, do some googling and reading up.

Your FIL is a troubled man. You've certainly established that. He's trouble. Doesn't matter what he does for a living, how much money and prestige he has. You've escalated it, obviously, and now it becomes very hard to save face (for either of you) or avoid a further escalation.

One option is for you to try and make peace by asking him to join you for a drink somewhere and telling you a little more about his dream. He's had this dream of holding his grandson first? What's that about? Where did it come from? It would be good to know.

What you've wisely figured out, quickly, is that this demand is merely the first of many. What I find astonishing is the man's selfishness. It's as though he doesn't quite understand the meaning of "giving his daughter away"--which is what the wedding ritual is about--and doesn't really value YOUR presence in the family, and in his daughter's life. That's chilling. Standing in your shoes, I'd be astonished and shocked.

I think you're making a mistake not to get your wife involved. She may be the only one who has the power to shift this in your direction. What does she think about her father's demand? Does she think it's justified? Is she willing to speak on your behalf?

If you've got a loving partnership with her, it's important that you bring her into the discussion. Otherwise you're actually doing what your FIL is doing: you're treating her, and your future son, like an object to be struggled for, and you're acting as though this grievous struggle is something she should have no voice in. You're wrong about that.

But here's the problem: What if you raise the issue with her, and she sides with her father? Where does that leave you?

Some spiritual traditions might urge you to calm your troubled heart, breathe in some good loving feelings, and bless your troubled FIL with the moment he so richly desires. That's a tough row to hoe, but it's there for you.

I think you're better off bringing your wife into the equation and seeing how she feels. You need to know the truth about THAT right now. That's the manly thing to do, in fact.

As for threats of lawyers: what a mess!

Talk to your wife, man. Your FIL is engaged in some very severe triangulation right now, leaving you feeling excluded at the very moment you should be feeling wonderful.

What's obvious, the moment I put it that way, is that your FIL isn't just egocentric: he's scared. He's terribly scared that his daughter and you are creating a family that feels somehow apart from him.

So what's the prelude to all this? You're not telling us something here. Surely your future FIL gave off some warning signs quite a bit before this incoming diaster. Do tell.

This thread saddens me. Once many moons ago the Alpha Males roamed free across America butting heads as rivals to mate with the alpha femals and a few beta females as well. Now, the beta males squabble with each other and everyone comes a running.

When my child was born, the doctor held then the nurse then my wife. My child held my finger first. My child was already in my heart, and vice versa, so it did not matter to me who first held physically.

If your father in law pulls this stuff, you take him outside and you beat him down. There is no need for discussion or to insult. Mark your turf.

Good luck. P.S. Get a paternity test asap.

Yeah, I agree with yetanotherchick, you do sound creepy.

"...my wife and all her other Home Birthian compatriots were incredibly empowered..." WTF? And what was that nonsense about male obstetricians and major abdominal surgery and fighting for c-sections?

If you want to give birth at home with midwives, sure that's your choice. Your hyperbole goes overboard though.