Terrible Guilt

Some will respond with callous and hurting remarks. Ignore them.

Nothing can be done now my friend, except to put yourself in your father's shoes and ask, "If I were dying and my son was attending to important business, would I expect him to cancel everything to be by my side?" If you answer "No", I imagine that's how he felt, too. You are both cut from the same cloth.

In my last year of college, my mom was in her last months of life due to cancer. I couldn't make it home often that year, and I felt terrible about it after she died. Some months later, she was in a dream of mine, assuring me that everything was OK. I woke feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I took that as a message from her.

Talk to someone, a professional would be best, to deal with your guilt. It's unecessary to feel that bad. Don't quit your job, that's not the problem.

Good luck, bro.

Listen to the song "In the Living Years" 100 times.

Then move on.

Quitting your job is not the answer. Learning to forgive yourself and moving on is. If you can\'t do that yourself, seek some counceling to help.

Good luck and God Bless.

my family and I live on the west coast, my parents and relatives live in KC (yes), a coincidence. My dad had been having heart problems for years and was always in and out of the hospital with various operations, etc. I went back to visit him in Oct after he had one and he was 'ok', as best as could be expected; he went back in for another one in December. I knew about it, but was told 'not to worry'. It turns out that this operation had a 60% chance or more that he would not survive it. I was not told this and did not come home to visit BEFORE he went in for the last time. My mom said that he was worried about my job and did not want me to miss work or make a big fuss about him....if you can believe that. I then went for the funeral. There is nothing you can do, but hold his memory close to you and carry on, like he would want you to.

Thank you for the good words.

I've thought of this too. As a coach, my responsibilities during the season are pretty big. I can't get to my sister's graduation, and I've missed events that I'd otherwise gotten back for. But my family understands I'm doing what I love, what I WANT to do.

You wouldn't have felt so bad if there was a car accident, or something more sudden. But in a certain respect, your father's turn for the worse was just as unexpected. It could have come a week earlier, or a few later.

You doing your job. Life will always happen around you.

I agree that quitting your current job isn't the best idea, and that some professional counsel might really help, but then again, none of us are in your shoes.

Good luck though.

Really good advice!

Worst-case guilt scenario: suppose you accept that it would have been better to go and be with your father. Even so, you can't change what's already happened. Did your dad make his share of mistakes, have regrets, wish he'd done some things differently? Unless he's God, I'm betting the answer is yes. I don't think we're ever without guilt, but that's the very reason we need to accept forgiveness, need to recognize our humanness, our incompleteness--not b/c that's all we have, but that's part of the package. We also have the potential to move forward and learn from mistakes and misjudgments, to not define ourselves or our lives by the regrets but also by our hopes.

Also, I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost my mom four years ago, and sometimes feel the same regrets about things I wish I'd done. But just as the other poster says, I remember and hold onto all the positive qualities of my mom, her generosity, her ability to forgive. And I try to make her proud. I don't always succeed, but it's all I can do.

my mom had cancer and ended up dying at age 57. over the three years she was ill, i visited maybe a handful or two times, i was a mess, broke, all the way across the country trying to put myself through college, etc., etc. plenty of excuses.

my mom made it a point during her life to say she was proud of me, no matter what. when she died, i forgot that for a few years. i still regret that i didn't clean up my act in time for her to see me sucessful, but that's me assiging my worth to her as i would see it, not how she saw it. being beside them as they die really means nothing, its that last thought they take with them; who i was, in her mind, as she died. i believe she loved me and knew i would turn it around and died with a peace of mind i couldn't understand for a few years on. it didn't matter if i was by her side, it mattered what was in her mind.

my mom has visited me once since she died. i felt her warmth and knew it was her, and that the above is true.

don't confuse grief with regret. i miss my mother very much, and will grieve for her for the rest of my life. but, i can't allow myself to rehash regret. circumstances were what they were and she still loved me.

forgive yourself.

fogiveness isn't about forgetting, it's about freedom.

My dad passed away on April 13 after a short but very difficult bout with a brain tumor (he was diagnosed just 18 days earlier). I was there when he died. I was very close to my dad and I respect him more than any other man I have ever known.

There is a lot that I don't know, but here's what I DO know: You can "what if" yourself crazy in these situations. Don't do that to yourself. No human being knows when their own hour will arrive, let alone someone elses. Had you known when your father was going to die, you undoubtedly would have done things different. But here's the key: You DIDN'T know. Yes, you knew he was bad, and you did what you thought was prudent at the time.

We don't get "do-overs" sometimes. But we do get "do-betters" with those who are left behind. The old cliches about living life like you'll die tomorrow are all true. My dad's death hit me like a ton of bricks; the Enlish language is insufficient to convey the emotions of that event for me.

But I do know that I will live differently. I now truly get how precious and short life is. I don't get any more time with Dad, but I can honor him by living as he did, and making the most of the time that is left with those who I still have in my life. A picture of Dad that I snapped at a family birthday party is now the wallpaper on the computer I am writing this from. It reminds me every morning to live as he did.

Do the same. Your father is gone; there is no bringing him back, there is no going back in time and changing the decision. Trying to do so is unfair to you and those around you. Instead, live your life in a manner that would make your dad proud, and help take of the people he was close to that he left behind. That's all you can do.

I have to say that my faith in LetsRun posters has been renewed. I was fully expecting some cruel immature crap but have read all the posts and actually feel a bit better about things --just reading the posts helped by knowing that it's a price we pay for being alive and loving others. I've tried very hard to "man up" and let it go, but it continues to linger, so I think that professional counseling will be a benefit. Thanks for all of the stories and well-wishes that have been posted.

Saying goodbye isn't the capper on a loving relationship between a parent a child. If you knew he loved you and he knew you loved him, the lifetime and admiration of that relationship will always be on a pedistal a million times higher than saying goodbye... in essence saying goodbye doesn't define how you and your father felt about one another, your love does... feel better and accept my sympathies.

Until my Father passed away, I never had the sense he was around, unless I was with him in person. It's different now. I think he sees the good things I do for my Mother, who he asked me to look after years before he died. I also think he sees me doing some of the same good things with my kids that he did with me. I'm not overly religious or spiritual, but doing things the way he would have wanted them done, with care and consideration for others, honors him. I think, somehow, that he knows I have picked up where he left off. Sure, I could have done more with and for him while he was alive. Everyone could have done more in life before any one day, especially one that comes without a schedule. The task that remains is to do one more good thing from time to time, just as he would have appreciated and been proud of you for.

Kansas City wrote:

I have to say that my faith in LetsRun posters has been renewed. I was fully expecting some cruel immature crap but have read all the posts and actually feel a bit better about things --just reading the posts helped by knowing that it's a price we pay for being alive and loving others. I've tried very hard to "man up" and let it go, but it continues to linger, so I think that professional counseling will be a benefit. Thanks for all of the stories and well-wishes that have been posted.

Sometimes it takes more courage to reach out and ask for help than to "man up and let it go." It's the willingness to trust, amid a broken world, that there can be wholeness.

I too have had dreams about my parents (both passed on, my father when I was quite young), and feel at times they are there for me in difficult moments. Once, in the med tent after a marathon, I was beginning to worry I'd damaged myself in some serious way--and experienced my father's presence (he was a doctor), just a sense of very deep calm and knowing I was going to be fine. Or there was the dream of my mother about six weeks after--telling me about the things she'd learned, the things she came to accept. A couple of years before her passing, she had suffered a heart attack. I said to her once, "it wasn't your time, Mom." She said, "even if it were, you'd have been okay." I think in many respects, she is still telling me that.

go see a counselor, the bad memories will not fade if you quit your job. all they will do is follow you to your next position. good luck.

Did you love him and make him proud while he lived?

That's the only question that really matters. The other stuff doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

Now go spend money on counseling if you must. If the therapist is any good, he'll bring you to exactly the conclusion I just gave you. Not trying to be flippant, but therapy isn't gonna turn back time. So before you waste your money on it, ask yourself if you really need it, or if you're just doing it so you can prove to someone else - like your relatives - how guilty you feel. You gotta ask yourself the tough questions, mate.

It's okay to have some guilt and shame. Some of the emotions you have came from the very place that caused them. Know that deep down in your DNA your parents really never leave you. Time will prove this correct.

While she passed this earthly life when I was 22; not a day goes by that I don't feel my mothers presence. This saintly woman was a marathoner in her own right....she gave life to 12 children. I'm sure at 5' tall and weighing 80 lbs she would have made a great runner. She worked hard....very hard. Not only did she keep house, feed, provide clothing and shelter, she also had a job working OUTSIDE the house about 6 hrs a day. Never did I ever hear a complaint from her. Many times I would come home from school and a stranger would be at the table joining us as my mother knew of his or her need. Never did I miss a day of school, not because we were trying to win some perfect attendance award, but because Mom insisted we go to school or the doctor if we were sick. Despite living in abject poverty, struggling for food and shelter she had a way of making you feel like the wealthiest person on the planet. She was a beautiful woman with movie star looks and a personality to match.

Embrace all that was good about your father and carry his good character onwards in your day to day living.

My mom died of complications from breast cancer 11 years ago and I still have some regret being 2 hours away when she died as my wife and I were in transit trying to get down to see her when she took a turn for the worse.

I did manage to get down to visit her a lot in the year before she died, which is a huge consolation.

My advice to you would be to now focus on the family that is left now that your dad is gone. Assuming your mom is alive, take 10 minutes every day to call her and say hi and ask her how her day was. The person who used to do that for her is gone now. It won't cost you any time at all but it will mean a lot to her. Someone gave me this advice about calling my dad after my mom passed- and I know my dad appreciates it.

Don't beat yourself up now, no good will come of that.

Kansas City wrote:

I have to say that my faith in LetsRun posters has been renewed.

Ditto.

Kansas City,

Often even when the cards are laid out in front of us, it is hard to imagine that a parent is about to die. Very possible that you honestly didn't believe he was that close to death. Hindsight is 20/20. Mourn your father's death, but to feel guilty that you didn't get to see him one last time before he died is not constructive at all. I agree with other comments that you should not have to quit your job. If your family members are generally decent people, I think it would be beneficial to talk to them about this. They can probably make you feel better about it. Death often comes at inopportune times. That's just what happened here. Sorry for your loss.