Baked Beans - This is hilarious! AND it's told by a female.
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car
broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I
called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to
walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked
beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, figured that I
would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped
at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my
arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me
and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he
was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise
not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
Pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and
fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled thee end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!