Why do guys do these kinds of things to girls?

Your situation is no good.

Continue on your current path and you will end up hurting her and, more importantly, torturing yourself.

Just cut it off and move on. The End.

If my ex was asking letsrun.com why I broke up with her, then I know I made the right choice!

This Guy is a Black Box wrote:

But are reasons too much to ask for? Honestly, if most guys complain about girls being illogical, shouldn't they be willing to provide reasons for the decisions that they make?

When you've been together that long, and put that much effort into the relationship, then it's tough to be completely honest and say "I just don't see myself getting married to you." Especially when he knows how into the relationship you are. It's easier for him to try and say nice things without being brutally honest... ESPECIALLY since you guys see each other 4 times a week. I'm sure he wants to keep things civil. Bottom line- if he ended things after all of that work, ESPECIALLY when everything seemed to be going well, then I think you need to accept the fact that is just isn't going to happen. Maybe I'm wrong and in 6 months time he will want to try again, but I don't see it happening. Who knows, though- I am only privy to the small amount of info. that you have presented us with. I know it sucks, but you'll get over it eventually.

I Love Peeps: as I said, this kid's a black box, and every single one of his friends and family that I've met has trouble getting him to open up. The only "peeps" that he seems close with are his XC buddies from college. My only hope in starting this thread was to try and see things from his point of view, through the eyes of the people that he's closest to. Trust me, my expectations weren't that high (though I've been pleasantly surprised by YAC and others).

It's time to re-read your copy of "He's Just Not That Into You."

Seriously though. Is there any possible answer anyone could give you that will make you say "Oh, that must be it. I feel so much better now!" Of course not. Why doesn't matter, it's the what that's important. He broke up with you. The "Let's be friends" is a bunch of BS too.Tell him you want no contact at all for six months. Then stick to it. That will make you feel better than anything anyone here can tell you. That and a good long run.

Just followed some links to the Behrendt website "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" -- very nice. In general, the "you go, girl!" strategy or the ever-cheesy Cosmo articles along the lines of "Be the Fabulous New You After Mr. Wrong Leaves!" tend to leave me rather cold; they seem pretty callous to the idea of mourning in general, as if what happened wasn't life-shattering, and as if what ended wasn't the world as you know it. Clearly, it's not earth-shattering; no one else cares. But it is *your* emotional life that was shattered, and it's important to let that sink in, and not let people blow sunshine up your rear end when you're not ready for it, since you, not them, are the one that's stuck dealing with it.

In any case, "HJNTIY" seems to be for pre-breakup people, whereas "ICBBIB" is learning how to deal with the aftermath of an unexpected ending -- more up my alley. Thanks in any case for the reference; I'm headed out of town for a long weekend to run a marathon -- some small little thing, in Boston somewhere ;-) -- so I'm hoping that'll be a healthy dose of healing elixir.

BTW, the Behrendt recommended time apart is 2 months, not 6. (I've also heard just one month, but that was from someone who bounces back fairly quickly -- lots of experience.) He says total detachment, but for the reasons mentioned above, unfortunately this isn't possible. And anyway, it's kind of empowering to refuse to restructure my life around avoiding him -- after all, isn't that just making him the center of my life again, albeit by his absence rather than his presence?

You appear to have very smart, have good communication skills, and you obviously are chock full 'o pride in yourself and your accomplishments. Good for you, because it's very likely that you've worked quite hard to become so.

But after reading your posts you come across as a controlling shrew. This can work in a relationship for a while, especially with a partner with limited social skills, but eventually the guy's going to read something like that long thread about the post-marriage cutoff, or one of his buddies is going to bust his balls about how he's going to lose poker night at some point, and suddenly a light turns on to illuminate his darkness.

He loves you, but he has no interest in being your bitch anymore. As a friend he can still get all of the positives you offer, but he doesn't have to capitulate any longer.

The good news is that Amanda Peet will be playing you in the movie version of this tale of woe. Best wishes.

This Guy is a Black Box wrote:

So, there was a reason that the last five months of the relationship were mentioned above -- they were qualitatively different then the previous 2.5 years. By "hitting their stride," they were able to work through the things that had caused girl to break up in the first place. (This, btw, included several very detailed strategy discussions of what to do differently, in which guy was an active participant.) This also included a week long vacation that went flawlessly -- no fighting at all, despite some very difficult travel conditions. So, given the above details, I honestly don't think that the previous two breakups were a factor at all -- but perhaps I'm wrong?

Your problem is right here in the words you've typed and you can't even see it. Any relationship that needs a "strategy session" is doomed. Where did you pick that up? Some pop psychology relationship manual pitched on The View?

A good, loving relationship between a man and a woman doesn't hit its stride. It is either right or it's not. Of course relationships have their ups and downs, but they can't be viewed as some sort of skill set that two people figure out and get to work like a well oiled machine.

I think you're over-analyzing love, Missy.

Well, it certainly is unrealistic to expect that you'll be able to just bounce back like it didn't happen. And it sure makes it tougher if you have to see him frequently. But because you choose to act or "pretend," if you have to, that you are getting on with your life instead of shrinking down and suffering does NOT invalidate all the feelings you had or have. It just acknowledges that the reality today is different. And eventually, you won't have to pretend anymore.

Congratulations and good luck at Boston!

Thanks, LTHW et al. -- the advice on this thread (both well-meaning, and otherwise) has shed some helpful testosterone light on an emotionally opaque situation, and I'm grateful for the good wishes for this weekend! I will definitely conquer Heartbreak Hill (and hopefully feel damn good while I'm doing it!).

lookingforavehicle wrote:

He has found a hotter piece of ass, and would like to put you on the back burner so he can tap it guilt free. If he realizes she isn't the one for him, you're back in play.

You're welcome.

Yep this is it. Seen this situation play out 10000 times over and thats basically the end result. New piece of ass. You say wrong becasue you dont want to admit it. The guy is probably keeping it secret if you dont know anything about it.

This Guy is a Black Box wrote:

Apologies, JI, I misspoke. I didn't mean all MR posters -- just you.

Touche!!!!