Why do guys do these kinds of things to girls?

He has found a hotter piece of ass, and would like to put you on the back burner so he can tap it guilt free. If he realizes she isn't the one for him, you're back in play.

You're welcome.

Wrong. I forgot to articulate a few parameters:

(1) He's not that kind of guy. Unlike most of the assholes on this message board, he actually has a conscience. When he said he won't cheat, he didn't, and guy also has the decency to wait until the "mourning period" is appropriately over before he starts skirt-chasing again. (And honestly, he never really was much of a skirt-chaser anyway -- more of a loner. Think Chris McCandless, that guy that died alone in Alaska.)

(2) Corollary to (1) is that he still cares deeply about girl's well-being, wants to stay close friends with her, and is doing his best not to hurt her more than absolutely necessary.

(3) Because of training, work, and other social commitments, guy and girl still have to see each other regularly (at least, say, 4x/week).

(4) Both girl and guy were extremely gunshy about marriage, though they realized (and agreed) at the beginning that the relationship was going to be going in the direction of long term (even if it was going very slowly).

Commitment averse ("phobic" is too a pejorative term, especially for a guy who isn't even 30 yet). When things are going "too well" the scary "next step" is just around the corner. He's not ready to settle down. You just have to cut him slack. Any sign of neediness on your part will shoo him off for good. You might start shopping around for someone who has the same need to settle-in as you, and not just theoretically. Guys are either ready or they aren't, no matter how "ideal" the girl or situation.

he's gay or asexual and loves you, just doesn't want the sex anymore

Glad you think we're all assholes.

I think this is a boring thread.

SO your saying you had trouble trusing him and moving forward for years (you even break up with him now and then) and then wounder why he feels the relationship is going no where... ok.

This seems like it could turn into another thread about women and why they do the things they do:

How's this? You broke up with him twice in order to get him to change so that he was a better 'prospect' He did, and has probably now decided he didn't want to go the rest of his life pretending to be someone he's not.

I'm guessing he can't see himself ever marrying you. So he's breaking up with you now, before it pushes too far & you get hurt worse. I''m sure it isn't easy, but just move on & stop seeing eachother 4x/ week because it will make things more difficult.

So, there was a reason that the last five months of the relationship were mentioned above -- they were qualitatively different then the previous 2.5 years. By "hitting their stride," they were able to work through the things that had caused girl to break up in the first place. (This, btw, included several very detailed strategy discussions of what to do differently, in which guy was an active participant.) This also included a week long vacation that went flawlessly -- no fighting at all, despite some very difficult travel conditions. So, given the above details, I honestly don't think that the previous two breakups were a factor at all -- but perhaps I'm wrong?

Apologies, JI, I misspoke. I didn't mean all MR posters -- just you.

If he's a loner, like you say, he probably realizes that the next logical step in this relationship is marriage and it freaks him out.

I agree with the hotter piece of tail theory, regardless of what was said in the middle of a heartfelt breakup speech. Guys will say anything not to offend anyone, most of which they regret later if they actually are nice guys. A less decent guy would just cheat as that's significantly easier in the short term. It takes some moral character to break up prior to pursuing other options, even if only emotionally and not physically for the time being. All guys are "skirt chasers" by nature, even the homosexual ones. Some just aren't very good at it so they don't APPEAR that way overtly.

I also like sigmund's comments about not liking who he is when around this girl. I've been there.

Not sure about the commitment phobia since it doesn't sound like that really exists here. Guys aren't gunshy around relationships where there's no pressure, they relish it. Not sure about Dr. Love's theory that he can't envision long term and so wants to cut it off because guys seldom think that way. For a male if its working now, its ok for now, regardless of long term. Women DO think that way, but you mentioned this guy is different so maybe the guys aren't going to be able to offer insight. Maybe the ladies will be more help.

Actually guys pretty much speak their mind. I had a good laugh if you think guys try not to offend people.

To the OP did you ever consider that "in stride" for you might have not been what he wanted. You breaking up and complaining about the person he is may have had him chage to where you were in stride but he realized he didn't want to play pretend the rest of his life.

Takes One, Sig, Dean: all possibilities that have already been considered. But in any of these cases, why doesn't guy just be honest? It would be much, MUCH better for guy to say, "I'm tired of being someone that I'm not," or "I can't be with you for the long term, AND HERE'S THE REASON(S) WHY (which were never provided)," or even "I'm bored. I need to explore other options," than to say "I still love you, I still want to spend time with you, you were an amazing girlfriend, and you did everything just right, gave me enough space, 100% supportive, etc." and THEN end it. Maybe he is lying, so as to prevent further hurt? The problem, though, is that unless he gives actual reasons that make sense, the breakup appears totally unnecessary.

Dr. Love: it would be great the if 4x/week could be minimized, but unfortunately it's locked into the schedule. The only way to minimize would be to completely upend the girl's life, which adds insult to injury.

He's probably sick of this chick being over-analytical and trying to label everything in its proper little box.

But are reasons too much to ask for? Honestly, if most guys complain about girls being illogical, shouldn't they be willing to provide reasons for the decisions that they make?

This Guy is a Black Box wrote:

...mid-to-late twenties, date exclusively for over three years.

...does he actually know what he wants? What sort of feeling does he expect to have in order to feel okay about continuing to date this girl? Does he want to feel totally intoxicated and in love every minute that he's with her? Is that the standard for long-term commitment?

There seem to be two main mindsets about dating/relationships and neither of them are "right" or "wrong" IMO. Some people date to have a good time and get to know someone without expecting a longterm committment, and other people date to find a potential husband/wife and wouldn't stay with someone if they didn't see a future with them.

There are a couple important variables to these mindsets. Age/maturity is one- a high schooler is probably better off dating to have a good time, but someone in their late 20's is more likely to be considering marriage. Another variable is length of the relationship. Once you've been with someone for three years, it's time to shit or get off the pot. Either the relationship is going to move to a new level, or it's time to move on, because more than three years is a long time to spend with someone who you have no intention of becoming more committed to.

You're not fooling him by telling him that there's no need to think about the longterm for right now. From what you said, it's obvious that you were thinking about the longterm from the beginning.

Sorry if this is harsh, but he does know what he wants- or at least what he doesn't want- and he doesn't want to marry you. The feeling that he expects to have in order to keep dating you is that you're the person he wants to spend his life with. It's not necessarily your fault or his that he doesn't feel that way about you, there's not a checklist for love. If you can't see yourself waking up next to someone after 50 years and loving them and being happy you married them, you just can't, and nothing you can do can force that. And he is doing the right thing by letting you know this now so you can both move on, instead of stringing you along.

YAC, this is actually the only explanation that I'm left with that makes a modicum of sense to me, and I'm glad you've put it out there. The only thing that doesn't fit with it is the last five months: no hint of discontentment (and girl was looking!), no warning, nothing.

Also, there would have been a much more natural "break up point" coming up in about a year and a half (one or the other moves away) -- why not wait until then? What was the big rush in "figuring things out now"? At least then, the transition would be easier; now, what's left is this extremely sticky, very awkward situation where both still really want to spend time with each other (though for different reasons, obviously), but are being told by everyone they know to detach, despite being forced to see each other regularly.

This Guy is a Black Box wrote:

Takes One, Sig, Dean: all possibilities that have already been considered. But in any of these cases, why doesn't guy just be honest? It would be much, MUCH better for guy to say, "I'm tired of being someone that I'm not," or "I can't be with you for the long term, AND HERE'S THE REASON(S) WHY (which were never provided)," or even "I'm bored. I need to explore other options," than to say "I still love you, I still want to spend time with you, you were an amazing girlfriend, and you did everything just right, gave me enough space, 100% supportive, etc." and THEN end it. Maybe he is lying, so as to prevent further hurt? The problem, though, is that unless he gives actual reasons that make sense, the breakup appears totally unnecessary.

Just think of all the useless carnage that could be avoided if guys (myself included) employed this simple philosophy. Every time I stay with a girl to long and then go with some form of "its not you, its me" I regret it. Then I end up there again in another couple of years. I know there's a better way, but that doesn't mean I always take it.