If she can negotiate an in-office 3 days a week job, they don't have to move. She can commute the 90 miles to/from work 3 times a week and nothing else changes with their life. If she really wants the job and the money and loves her family, she'll do it. If not, she's being uber-selfish and controlling and the marriage is doomed anyway.
Bullet the Blue Sky wrote:
Dual Income / With Kid wrote:
1. I can't stand her hometown. I lived there once and I don't want to move back. She is very passionate about getting this job.
Everything else in this scenario is noise. This is the part you both need to focus on. You need to dig deeper on the whys for both of you.
100% agree with this.
This needs to be unpacked by the two of you. You need to solve this before you make any other decision.
Lay this out to your wife and talk about it. I know my girlfriend (10+ years now) would never ask me to move to a location I hated b/c that would cause more burnout than working a crap job.
Financially things look similar enough on either end. The questions are: 1. How happy will each of you be living in each location? 2. How happy will each of you be in the prospective jobs in each location? 3. How happy will kid be? 4. Will either of you resent the other if you do/don’t move?
prefan wrote:
If she can negotiate an in-office 3 days a week job, they don't have to move. She can commute the 90 miles to/from work 3 times a week and nothing else changes with their life. If she really wants the job and the money and loves her family, she'll do it. If not, she's being uber-selfish and controlling and the marriage is doomed anyway.
This. What kind of antiquated, archaic company does she work for? The days of being in office all day are about over as companies are moving to hybrid. Her getting an apartment next to the office is a more than enough in terms of a commitment for someone who has been with the company for only 3 years. With 15+ she should be able to call some shots.
OP - have her go to her employer and explain the situation. Have her tell her boss that this is what needs to happen and I’ll do A, B, and C to make the arrangement worth it. With the great resignation, employers should be doing what it takes to keep skilled, proven employees.
You have to stay. There is literally no benefit to you moving. Your net worth as a couple goes up by $10k in two years if you move. By that time you will have gotten another promotion probably and will be making more than she will at her new job by then. Sit down with her and tell her how much you hate her hometown. Also, the school situation for your son is a big no no at the new town. Your sons education should be more important than either of your careers. Also, in my experience, you don't want to go live in redneckville with a bunch of racist Trump supporters.
Dual Income / With Kid wrote:
highhoppingworm wrote:
Post more data. Current salaries, prospective salaries, how much cheaper is COL, school quality etc. hard to have an opinion based on what you provided.
My salary: $135K and will be moving to $165K beginning in March.
Her salary: $125K. It will be $170K in late 2023 when the regional VP leaves. But she keep the $125K until 2023.
Cost of living (just calculated it): 35% cheaper in her hometown.
Current School: #1 Catholic School in the state, best All-Boys school in the state, A+ through Niche.com
New School: B- through Niche.com, otherwise it's unranked in all categories.
These are some 1st world problems huh? Maybe talk to your wife instead of LRC. Sounds like you'll be fine either way unless you're not communicating with your wife & are taking your advice from an alt-right website that doesn't really value women.
professional jogger wrote:
Stoppit Smith II wrote:
If you love money. You'll stay.
If you love your wife, you'll move.
This is a direct challenge to what your ego can take.
Take care of one or be a family man.
You left off the bit about the Kid's future.
Personally it seems like your wife is being a bit selfish. Sounds like you guys do fine financially. What's the reason she wants the promotion? Why would she ask you to uproot your career to help hers knowing you might hate your new job? There's a middle ground here somewhere.
Not worried about the 6 year old. They'll find new friends. School quality is a weird system of ranking and I would worry more about the demographics and see if those align with the types of people you want to live around and your kid to live around.
I'd love it if my wife wanted us to move to a smaller town. We're both from the big city and she's really into me in the 'chase'. I'd take a quieter lifestyle, bigger house, more time and better running any day.
Plus if she has fam nearby they can help baby sit.
And maybe she has really bored good looking friends from back home. Who knows.
You'll resent her, or she'll resent you. That's called a lose-lose proposition. Not to get all anthropological, but it is more important that the human male is proud of his profession. If you move to her town where you'll have no friends and a far less prestigious job, you'll hate your life and make your marriage miserable. Your kid will notice and suffer. Why would you do all that for her to make a measly $45k more?? Who cares. At your combined salaries, that's a relatively trivial amount of money, especially after taxes. Stay where you are. Explore ways she might be down there a couple days a week.
Bad advice. He says, "I hate that town x1,000,000". She says, "I need that promotion x2,000,000". Both have expressed how much they want thing thing, but neither understands why the other feels the way they do, so there can never be a compromised, only resentment.
Colin6_9_ wrote:
Sit down with her and tell her how much you hate her hometown.
Does not sound like Boston at all. For one, no one really bothers with the Catholic schools here unless they're really religious. The public schools in nice suburbs are better, and the non-Catholic private schools are much better. And it doesn't sound like a major metro area if the wife doesn't have any other job prospects. And Springfield-Hartford area is not exactly rural, plenty of jobs out there.
dummies wrote:
RuningManJumpSuit wrote:
Really want to know where you live.
If it's a Boston burb inside of 128 and you're moving to like southern NH or Springfield then you're being a baby. Pick a place in the middle.
I was reading this an thinking exactly the same thing. It has to be Metro West and moving to Springfield and the wife works for Mass Mutual. That is a complete and total non-starter for me. Move to Shrewsbury and she has an hour commute. Done.
Forgot to include the quote.
Good guess though wrote:
Does not sound like Boston at all. For one, no one really bothers with the Catholic schools here unless they're really religious. The public schools in nice suburbs are better, and the non-Catholic private schools are much better. And it doesn't sound like a major metro area if the wife doesn't have any other job prospects. And Springfield-Hartford area is not exactly rural, plenty of jobs out there.
Plenty of good local Catholic schools. Public is great too.
The 90 minutes to an HQ really made me think of Mass Mutual and Springfield. And if you live in Boston, Springfield is the boonies and there are not great job prospects. Could easily see him needing to take a 40% pay cut. My guess is Westfield is the hometown.
Dual Income / With Kid wrote:
highhoppingworm wrote:
Post more data. Current salaries, prospective salaries, how much cheaper is COL, school quality etc. hard to have an opinion based on what you provided.
My salary: $135K and will be moving to $165K beginning in March.
Her salary: $125K. It will be $170K in late 2023 when the regional VP leaves. But she keep the $125K until 2023.
Cost of living (just calculated it): 35% cheaper in her hometown.
Current School: #1 Catholic School in the state, best All-Boys school in the state, A+ through Niche.com
New School: B- through Niche.com, otherwise it's unranked in all categories.
This is the red flag here. Your wife MAY get a salary increase and promotion IF the regional VP leaves in a year.
Nothing is guaranteed. What if you move to this rural area, and the company decides in a year to hire someone else to be the regional VP. What if the regional VP decides to stay on? What if it simply doesn't work out when she moves to this new office (wife doesn't jive with new team and they choose not to promote her in 2023).
You are assuming this is 100% certain, but having been around the block in corporate american myself, NOTHING IS CERTAIN.
Your wife's salary is what she is currently being paid, or what's stated in an offer letter.
I would be very wary making large decisions about moving kids and quitting jobs over something you THINK will happen in 2023 (that frankly is not certain).
You also need to consider the risks of having a higher income job in a small rural area.
What happens when the company goes through a corporate merger/restructuring and your wife's division is dissolved and she's laid off. How easy is it to find another comparable paid job in this new town vs staying in current area where there are tons of companies nearby that you could easily hop over to after a lay off.
Something you need to consider when taking a unique high paid job in a small area.
youawarebrah wrote:
Dual Income / With Kid wrote:
My salary: $135K and will be moving to $165K beginning in March.
Her salary: $125K. It will be $170K in late 2023 when the regional VP leaves. But she keep the $125K until 2023.
Cost of living (just calculated it): 35% cheaper in her hometown.
Current School: #1 Catholic School in the state, best All-Boys school in the state, A+ through Niche.com
New School: B- through Niche.com, otherwise it's unranked in all categories.
This is the red flag here. Your wife MAY get a salary increase and promotion IF the regional VP leaves in a year.
Nothing is guaranteed. What if you move to this rural area, and the company decides in a year to hire someone else to be the regional VP. What if the regional VP decides to stay on? What if it simply doesn't work out when she moves to this new office (wife doesn't jive with new team and they choose not to promote her in 2023).
You are assuming this is 100% certain, but having been around the block in corporate american myself, NOTHING IS CERTAIN.
Your wife's salary is what she is currently being paid, or what's stated in an offer letter.
I would be very wary making large decisions about moving kids and quitting jobs over something you THINK will happen in 2023 (that frankly is not certain).
Agree. Very weird to make such a major life decision on the presumption of a promotion more than a year off. Financially and school wise it make zero sense to move. I understand there is lower cost of living but factoring in your likely pay cut it is probably a wash.
Honestly, it sounds like the only rational reason to do this is to make your wife happy. That is a very rational reason but nobody here can make that decision for you.
Also... this thread is disturbing to read. I didn't realize just how messed up this place was.
Your six year old kid leaving his friends is an absolute non-issue. Also, it appears you send your kid to private school anyways so how good can your local district possibly be? Are there any good private schools in your wife's town if you go that route?
Tinny 2 Shoes wrote:
These type of thread are so lame. Dudes just post this so they can flex their salaries and pretend as if they have real issues. Get off Lets Run, seek advise from real life friends and family, pray on it, actually talk with your wife. You're a big boy, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
I doubt he's flexing those mediocre salaries. They may go a long way in backwoods or farm country but not in the cities.
areusure? wrote:
Tinny 2 Shoes wrote:
These type of thread are so lame. Dudes just post this so they can flex their salaries and pretend as if they have real issues. Get off Lets Run, seek advise from real life friends and family, pray on it, actually talk with your wife. You're a big boy, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
I doubt he's flexing those mediocre salaries. They may go a long way in backwoods or farm country but not in the cities.
OP here. We are in the midwest. Not NYC/SF/Seattle/LA. People in my role at my company are paid much, much higher at our SF office and LA office.
Thanks for all of the input. Imagine my surprise waking up to 4 pages of responses. I feel like my wife needs to really speak with her employer to see what kind of hybrid set up would work for her (and them) and us. I'm totally game to get her an apartment near the headquarters so she can pursue the role.
But I don't believe it's in our best interest to leave my job or put him in a school we are not excited about sending him to. As an example, I went to a poor rural high school and had a less than stellar experience and I just don't want that for him. No two situations are the same, but culture/diversity and the teachers matter to us.
Also to add, there are schools near the all-boys school that have great reputations. We just have had good rapport with the administration and teachers at the private school.